Having access to 13 yo sons devices

[Magicalunicornsandthings]

13 yo has phone and computer. Should parents have access to these? Not to constantly check but perhaps random spot checks or in case of strange behaviour, and all the unthinkable. For context, this is a young 13 yo with not many friends, spends all hours God sends in his bedroom and no other interests.

I think it’s the responsible thing to do but AIBU? And can anyone provide context, your experiences?

It's not just that you should check, you must check. Regularly and often. You have to know what he's getting up to, who he's contacting, who is contacting him, what he is accessing or attempting to access. Internet enabled devices are not toys.

I think you need to check … I don’t really think parental controls help though … the Microsoft ones actually blocked my sons school website so he couldn’t get on their system ! I tend to check search history / what’s app etc … the one that I worry about is Snapchat I’ve not really figured out how to keep an eye on that one … no substitute for talking about what they are posting and viewing

I check my 12 y olds frequently.
I no longer check my 14.5 y olds, although I would if I was concerned.
I do think some privacy is important as they get older and you think you can trust them.

I don't know anyone with Qustodio but this thread reads like an advert for it. It's odd

You can't rely on an app OP. Tech-savvy teens share tips on how to get round them. There's no substitute for open communication and open access to what they're doing. We also limit access to apps like WhatsApp, insta, Snapchat etc.

Not an advert. Something I use for my child and glad I do. Children need to be kept safe when using tech

Yes I check 12yr old DS's phone. It's also set up so that he can't change his passcode to prevent me getting into it. It's a good job I do check as well, as some of the Whatsapp messages I saw between his group of so called 'friends' made my eyes bleed.

Yes absolutely. And have parental software installed too.

You should check internet use regularly at this age. Just as you would expect to know where your child was and who they are with. The internet is a way of contacting random strangers from anywhere in the world. You cannot keep your child safe if you do not know who they are talking to.

That said, I'd only employ limited checking of messages to "known" contacts. They should be entitled to a degree of privacy when texting a friend from school, for example, in the same way that you wouldn't eavesdrop on their face-to-face conversations without a good reason. A friend of mine used to read her DD's messages to her exDH (the DD's father) just because she was nosy. That was, IMO, completely unreasonable.

Yes, I have access to ds 14 computer etc through Qustodio - it's great and easy to use. Can also block it if necessary. I don't snoop, but I know what apps etc he has used if I look, and get a notification if he uses something or downloads something new, so I can just keep an eye. The internet is not a safe place for a young teen to have open unsupervised access to.

@Theunamedcat how do you link WhatsApp messages?

[quote AnOldCynic]@Theunamedcat how do you link WhatsApp messages?[/quote]
I want to know too

100% yes. Until sometime when he was 16, my teenager knew to expect no internet privacy. If he had social media, it was logged in on my devices too. The checks got less and less frequent as he got older and it was obvious he was okay and not at risk of anything, and I don't check at all now (he's 17).

You can check, but that shouldn’t replace an open dialogue from you about online safety and having trust from your child that if they’ve made a mistake, you’re a person who they can go to and be honest with. When you check a child’s phone, short of a full forensic interrogation of the device, it’s just a surface level scan

This

Don't rely just on spot checks or the threat of spot checks. Make sure you're having conversations about internet safety - and that these change as they get older. As they get older they will see porn, violence and stuff you don't approve of, equally the vast majority will use language and behaviours you might not approve of (just as they may do in person). All of that is part of growing up and many teenagers are more digitally adept than their parents so the apps and the spot checks work to a degree but aren't fool proof

You should check but need to be aware of all the tricks he could use to get around your supervision, for instance on a PC he could use a bootable USB stick to load a live OS like TAILS into the RAM, and there would be no trace of this if you later checked his internet history in Windows.

this. or as simple as a second phone.

It would concern me that he has disabled controls and changed passwords. That would be a device removing consequence in my house.
I am also of the approach to have a certain degree of trust in my child - but her devices are partly linked to ours and we have the passcodes too.
As it your SC do you know how the child's Mum approaches this? It's in her house after all, not yours.