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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My SIL

19 replies

PollyPerkins87 · 20/01/2022 09:13

Back in 2019, my SIL's husband announced that he wanted a divorce. They had been married for 7 years.

Ex-BIL had a very good job, they had a lovely house and SIL didn't need to work etc. They sold the house, divorced and he has moved on and has bought a new home.

SIL is currently living with in-laws and despite the break up being nearly 3 years ago now, she is completely depressed and negative about absolutely everything. Christmas we invited the in-laws to come and spend it with us and SIL joined them. It was a depressing Christmas with SIL announcing at every opportunity that everybody had a much better life than her and she had nothing to look forward to. She moaned about living with in-laws. She got a huge amount of money from the divorce settlement and she could easily buy a home, yet makes every excuse as to why she's not yet found one. She has also found a job for 2 days a week, has around the clock childcare, doesn't have to worry about school runs etc, needing a babysitter so she can go out, which is lots.

3 years on I am fed up of having to walk on eggshells around her. Everybody is poor X and she has had a tough time. Yes, I get that, but it's been 3 years and anybody else in the family who is going through a tough time is told by the in-laws to get a grip. I had a very close family bereavement last year and after a couple of months was essentially told by the in-laws that I needed to put it into perspective (I do have a bit of negative relationship with them due to comments that have been made in the past).

They want to come and stay with us again at Easter with SIL and her DC, but after Christmas I just don't want to have to put up with all of the negativity that SIL brings. I have tried to be supportive, I have reached out, I have sat with her for hours and hours listening etc. AIBU??

OP posts:

nicelyneurotic · 20/01/2022 09:17

I feel bad for her. She is obviously struggling with moving on and being alone. I suspect she lives with the in-laws as is scared of living as a lone parent.

I can see why you've had enough of her negativity though. She needs therapy

DaffodilPot · 20/01/2022 09:23

It sounds as though she may need some medical input. Not everyone is as resilient as others. She clearly needs some support

Catflapkitkat · 20/01/2022 09:35

People like this are quite hard to be around, especially as their mood dictates every event and they are the barometer of 'hard times'. It's sad when your grief becomes a games of Top Trumps for them.

Three years is plenty of time to be licking ones wounds. It's sounds as if she is in a rut. Has she had any counselling? Has she seen her GP about possible depression? I know someone who saw a Life Coach - I was a bit sceptical but the coach set her small tasks for building her self esteem. Perhaps get your DH to suggest the above to your in-laws. But it all boils down to - does she want to change?

I would say 'No' to Easter. You will dread it looming.

saraclara · 20/01/2022 09:40

Does your DH want them to come? It's not just up to you, is it?

DeeplyMovingExperience · 20/01/2022 09:44

Swerve the Easter visit. You've clearly come to the end of your tether with her and have exhausted your reserves of tea and sympathy. There's just no helping some people while they continue to refuse to help themselves. They just sound like broken records and drive you nuts.

She could definitely do with finding a good therapist and counsellor who can help her unpack her feelings and hopefully get her on the road to recovery. Divorce is bloody awful. Some people never get over it.

Best to speak up now to put a stop to the IL's Easter plan. Tell your DH that you're done setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your SIL is welcome to continue spreading her doom and gloom at your IL's for so long as they're prepared to put up with her, but you don't want that in your home.

I hope your SIL will find a route out of her misery and make a better future for herself.

SafeMove · 20/01/2022 09:53

I can't believe you IL told you to get some perspective on a bereavement and the get a grip comments. That is awful, I would leave the SIL completely out of it and just say you don't want to do Easter because of this. It's awful! I am so sorry for your loss and that experience

As for your SIL - people have different levels of resilience. I was removed from the marital home, injured, with 3 scared children and left homeless. I kind of just got my head down, dealt with it and created a much better life within a year. People have different timelines, nobody is right or wrong. but it is your choice if you choose to engage with that or not.

3scape · 20/01/2022 09:54

She sounds trapped by depression. If her husband just announced he was off I guess she d'idnt see it coming.

Make different plans, focus on what you are doing. Keep yourself positive. It's difficult to keep giving out support to others. I'd also be dropping the sake advice to the in laws, 'make sure you're 'ooking after yourselves too, you do so much for sil' type thing.

3scape · 20/01/2022 09:55

Sorry they told you to move on. That was utterly crap of them.

billy1966 · 20/01/2022 10:08

Just say No.

Anyone telling me to get perspective for a close family bereavement would NOT be staying in my home and I would be putting distance between us.

Stand up for yourself.

If your husband pushes it, tell him you will head off for a mini break and leave him to it.

I would not be tolerating this for a moment.

Sorry for your loss.

MrsWinters · 20/01/2022 10:17

I think your negative relationship with your IL is colouring your attitude of SIL. It’s not a competition, and because you were told to get over the bereavement before your were ready by your PIL you are now expecting her to do the same.
Sounds like you think you’ve checked the boxes of being ‘supportive’ and now are done with it. Fine, but not very nice.

SmudgeButt · 20/01/2022 10:18

Maybe this behaviour explains why her husband wanted a divorce? I wouldn't want to be an a family that was always so negative.

NorthSouthcatlady · 20/01/2022 10:20

No way. Sounds like her pity party ways put a dampener on Christmas, don’t let her do the same at Easter. Decline the visit idea. She needs to move on, the wrapping her up in cotton wool etc doesn’t seem to be helping. Sorry for your loss, them being so dismissive of you and lack of understanding

TrashyPanda · 20/01/2022 10:30

Your ILs are two-faced and you are never going to change them or SIL.
They are enabling her.

Yes, divorce is really, really crap. In many ways, it feels like a bereavement. But she has tons of support.

Just change the subject every time she moans. You don’t have to listen to her.
My ExH walked out when I needed an emergency hysterectomy. And then I found out I had another condition, with a 20% change of living 5 years. And that made me realise I could have a miserable time or I could have as good a life as possible. People don’t want to be around someone who is relentlessly negative. So that was my impetus. And a year or so down the line, I went into spontaneous remission.

It wasn’t easy at all. I have severe depression and anxiety. But I try my best to manage them.

Ellavoday · 20/01/2022 11:59

Why do they stay so often?

Could you not take a step back from both PIL and SIL?

None of them sound very nice.

Totalwasteofpaper · 20/01/2022 13:43

God... distance yourself. Its all very codependent and enabling. After 3 years she needs to get a grip.

If you must , send your DH over with the kids at Easter for the day but don't join.

You are at the end of your rope and need distance

Sedai · 20/01/2022 16:02

Your SiL sounds a bit like my BiL! I love him to bits but he is hard work.
Sounds like the in laws are enabling her a bit by going on about poor SiL instead of helping her get on her feet and make changes. If she's depressed, she needs encouraged to reach out for medical help. If she's unhappy with her living situation, she needs to change that by renting (or buying as you say she has money).
I think you definitely need to assert your boundaries here. Will them coming for Easter ruin it? Then don't have them. Spend time doing what you want to do.

StoneofDestiny · 20/01/2022 16:18

I agree she probably needs to see someone, but visiting you isn't 'the someone she needs to see'.
Several options

Be honest and say you found Christmas too draining and need a family break to yourself.

2 Just say you are not having guests this holiday break

Say you are going away at Easter somewhere, but suddenly change your plans at last minute due to illness. Then enjoy Easter alone.

IamnotSethRogan · 20/01/2022 16:51

It is OK that you find her draining to be around.

But 3 years, and 2 of them being a pandemic is not the longest amount of time to grieve for the life you feel you've lost.

girafferafferaffe · 20/01/2022 17:01

I have one of these. When any tiny thing happens, she will sigh and say 'it's just my luck, nothing good ever happens to me'. She says it in front of her kids and so now they also do it. It is excruciating to be around.

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