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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how you got a social life?

39 replies

NewMum152 · 19/01/2022 19:06

I’m always either at work or at home with my kids (5 and 2). My social life is just myself, kids and husband going places. I feel a little sad seeing groups of girls out on their girly nights. I’ve never been good at making friends. I do talk to mums when I take my kids swimming or other activities but it doesn’t lead anywhere and most seem to not want to chat . How can I get a social circle?

OP posts:
Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 20/01/2022 01:08

Volunteering
Inviting people over
Wine.......

Twinkleylight · 20/01/2022 02:36

I've met people through PTA, volunteering, play dates, work and hobbies.

Siameasy · 20/01/2022 06:07

I started to feel isolated during lockdown so I made an effort once restrictions eased. I found I made friends at the local park and even saying hello to people in the street. I also have young DC so this was a way in. Then there are people at the school (ours was heavily disrupted by Covid so I initially missed out there).
Be brave and open to anyone. You can always filter people out later. Having kids really helps find an excuse to chat.

RampantIvy · 20/01/2022 06:32

@Envoitrevisage

I second the other people in rural areas. Ask! It’s very common around here.

Also, mumsnet makes a big deal about not wanting to answer your door, not letting people in your home, hating having people drop by,

In all honesty, that’s not the life I lead. Or that which those I socialise with, lead.

We invite people for tea, we call in on people, we offer invitations freely and often.

I don’t know how half the people here ever ever make friends, given that they hate talking on the phone, ignore the doorbell and spend a lot of the day not dressed.

I often wonder as well Grin
pollypokcet · 20/01/2022 08:04

@Envoitrevisage

I second the other people in rural areas. Ask! It’s very common around here.

Also, mumsnet makes a big deal about not wanting to answer your door, not letting people in your home, hating having people drop by,

In all honesty, that’s not the life I lead. Or that which those I socialise with, lead.

We invite people for tea, we call in on people, we offer invitations freely and often.

I don’t know how half the people here ever ever make friends, given that they hate talking on the phone, ignore the doorbell and spend a lot of the day not dressed.

That's nice that you're so open, but not wanting people dropping by unexpectedly is perfectly reasonable. There is zero correlation between that and popularity or whatever. It's down to culture and lifestyles.

If you're home all day maybe you don't mind compared to someone who works a lot, has children and just wants peace and quiet sometimes.

Not everyone likes phone calls, there's other ways to communicate (text, FaceTime)

RampantIvy · 20/01/2022 08:07

Isn't FaceTime (not all of us have iPhones BTW) more intrusive than a phone call?

Lyricallie · 20/01/2022 08:14

Tbh most of my friends are from school so maybe not much help for you and the rest of my friends are who I met on my graduate scheme.

However the one that might be helpful is I volunteer and I'm going to a gym class with another volunteer which is nice. Also the gym class I go to has a Christmas night out and then people make friends at that as it's outwith the gym setting.

Envoitrevisage · 20/01/2022 08:15

@RampantIvy it definitely is to me!! FaceTime means actually stopping to talk. Chatting means I keep doing something else.

@pollypokcet my point is that sometimes I see people saying they have no friends on here, but then they have also posted about not wanting to socialise etc.

This may not be the OP- I don’t advance search- but there is definitely a correlation between not wanting to speak to someone, not wanting to get dressed and have someone visit, not wanting to drive 40 mins to visit someone, and then not having many friends.

And as for your “at home” thing. Another symbol of mumsnet, people with no ability to just be politely honest.

“It would be lovely to chat but I’m afraid I’m just off out/about to join a meeting/got to bath the dog”.

RampantIvy · 20/01/2022 08:22

Another symbol of mumsnet, people with no ability to just be politely honest.

I agree.

hivemindneeded · 20/01/2022 08:26

I made SO many efforts with local mums. Only one of those became a proper friendship. But while I was making the effort, there was a massive amount of socialising - weekends away in Uk and abroad, loads of parties, girls' nights out. It must have looked like we had the greatest social life, but I didn't really feel that connected to any of them in the end. That social life came from doing everything possible when DC were small. I volunteered at playgroup, church creche, after school and holiday clubs, school PTA. Looking back, I should have done less and relaxed more and would probably have found real friends more quickly.

Think of three things you genuinely love to do or are interested in - that you'd do anyway, even if you made no friends from it. Sports, dance or fitness, gardening or craft, choir, acting, book club or creative writing, political or environmental campaginging etc. Look for lively groups in your area and join a couple then relax. Don't try to 'make friends' for at least a year. Just turn up and enjoy doing what you are doing. But stay open to invitations. If there's an aspect of a project you or someone else needs help on, suggest chatting about it over a walk or a coffee. I found that was how good friendships started, away from the crowd.

Most of my closest friends are from a specific semi-pro hobby that is work related. I met them first online in a specialist forum, locally through a weekly group and also through work which overlaps with the hobby. Then some of them are friends of friends who became my own closest friends.

Apart from them, after eighteen months of fitness classes, we are starting to meet for coffees and drinks outside of class (could have been extra-slow due to Covid) and getting to know each other. I have discovered lots of lovely women who I would never have otherwise met. They may not be best-friend, soul mate material but we have a great coffee catch up after class and chat about our kids, holidays etc.

Alysskea · 20/01/2022 08:30

I am not really able to provide suggestions but we are in the same boat. I have autism as well and it's very isolating.

Pinkyantelope · 20/01/2022 08:30

Have you tried MeetUp? It will probably have walking groups in your area. Also, if you have a particular interest it can link you up with other existing groups of people with similar interests. For example, yoga, music, film groups, running or even just socialising.

jackstini · 20/01/2022 09:14

Walking groups, craft groups or WI are sometimes advertised in local shop, church or post office windows

Community center or village hall - check what's on?

Mary46 · 20/01/2022 12:45

If you not on Facebook maybe say to a few mums Im thinking of a coffee/walk/night out. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there. Great re netball skippy

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