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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

i have changed my mind and no longer want a third dc

17 replies

dumdumdum · 27/12/2007 18:46

dh and i have been married 8 years, we have 2 dd's who mean the world to us, we are so lucky to have them and (i think) they are really lucky to have us as well.

problem is dh and myself have always wanted 3 children, i was hoping to have all 3 close together but after dd2 was born dh thought we should wait a while, he was working away a lot at this time and did not want me to be pregnant and alone with 2 young children.

fast forward to now and dd2 is nearly 4, i have just started a good job (which i love) and there is a good chance that i could go far. i love being a family of 4 everything is so easy and because the girls are close in age they are best friends, i really think that having a 3rd one would upset my "perfect" balance to much.

i have talked all this over with dh and i can tell he is not pleased, i am not saying we will never have a 3rd child but just now does not seem like a good time.

i would have to give up work (because of my job i WOULD have to give it up) and as dh still works away a lot i would be left with all 3 on my own again, it never seemed like much of a problem when the other 2 were younger but now it would feel like going back to square one.

i might come across as really selfish in this post but i promise i am not, i just dont know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

Niecie · 27/12/2007 18:52

I don't think you sound selfish at all. If you don't feel ready to have another child then don't have one. You aren't saying never, just not yet.

It would be selfish of your husband to make you have one when you have to carry the baby throughout pregnancy and then do the child care afterwards, even if your DH is happy and willing to help.

Tell him you will talk about it again in a year. That isn't that far off and you will have a chance to see where your job is taking you.

Maybe think about how you can do the job and have the children. What is DH prepared to compromise on to have a 3rd child? Would he change jobs to spend more time at home and take some of the strain if you continue to work?

Ozymandius · 27/12/2007 18:52

Seems reasonable to me. He moved the goalposts (wanted a gap) and now is cross with you? Cheeky, I'd call it.
I really don't see why you should make all the sacrifices. If he wants another child he either pays for a nanny (plus au pair?) or gets a job closer to home, I think.

nuttynoel · 27/12/2007 19:14

YANBU.
'Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans...'
Before marriage dh and I wanted 4dcs, and planned minimal gaps between. 15 years on we have 2 dcs with a 7 year gap between them, our youngest now 6. What happened? Life.
Course, if your dh fancies a total life change and to be a househusband for the next few years...

NewYear2008 · 27/12/2007 19:39

yanbu. you have 2 lovely kids and a good job you would be mad to have another one right now.

inthegutter · 27/12/2007 21:08

YANBU. In fact, I would say you're being supremely UNselfish, by thinking of the whole family and the implications of having number 3 at the moment. You sound really happy as you are, you've got back into the world of work which will benefit ALL of the family, and your dds are clearly happy. From my experience of what I've observed with friends, those who've had 2 close together and then a gap, often find the reality is quite hard to adjust to. The children have different wants and needs, and just when your life is getting back on track, you're reverting to nappies, sleepless nights and the world of newborns. Enjoy your life, enjoy your partner, your girls and your job, and don't think that the grass is necessarily greener.

NowTheHollyBearsABero · 27/12/2007 21:20

YANBU, absolutely. dh and I would actually both like a third, but are going to wait a good while (dses are 2.7 and 3mo) - at least until ds1 is 5, possibly longer - before considering ttc. I can't face the idea of 3 under 5, and we both need, at some point, to move on a bit with our careers or rather vocations. I'm lucky in being only 30 and so having time to wait.

You aren't selfish at all, particularly because in the main it would be YOU coping.

WideWebWitch · 27/12/2007 21:23

yaNBU imo

WideWebWitch · 27/12/2007 21:24

And actually, reverse the position, would HE like to give up HIS job? I bet not.

WendyWeber · 27/12/2007 21:24

How old are you, ddd?

SteadyNeddy · 27/12/2007 21:29

YANBU. Why should your life have to change so much while your dh carries on in exactly the same way as before?

MrsWeasleysmagicmincepies · 27/12/2007 21:30

not selfish just sensible.

I have 4 DC and whilst I wouldnt be without any of them it does make things tricky,

Family tickets are always 2Adults+2 dc so days out are expensive. Holidays are expensive, think about school trips my DD has just started senior school and the trips are enless and expensive.

Elasticwoman · 28/12/2007 09:30

No need to have a 3rd child if you don't want one. Having a child is not something you should do to please some one else. It is selfish to conceive a child purposely if you don't 100% want a child, imo. When you first thought you wanted 3 children, you did not have 2, so now you have a much better idea of what you might be letting yourself in for.

HonoriaGlossop · 28/12/2007 10:17

agree - of course YANBU. I think your DH needs to accept that the decision he came to about not having a third a while ago (while obviously taken with your best interests at heart, as in not wanting you alone with three kids) has had an effect. It has meant that circumstances and life have moved on; and keeping to old plans when things have changed and moved on could well be a bad idea. Your family life sounds idyllic and you are happy and beginning to pick up the threads outside the home - good for you!

I personally think as well, that three CAN be an awkward number of kids. I know there are gazillions of happy 3 kid families out there but I seem to have had friends all my life from 3 kid families who found it hard; if they're the third and much youngest, they feel out of things with the tight unit that is the older two, and they can be seen sometimes as a nuisance by the older kids....

however babies have a way of finding their place in a family so I am absolutely sure you would make it work - if that's what you all want. I'm just saying I think it's completely ok to not want that. I think you're doing the right thing to look at the circumstances THEN decide, rather than just saying I've always wanted three so that's what I'll do.

Perhaps you could ask your DH what he would like best about a third NOW, as your life currently is? Maybe he's not as thoughtful as you and isn't looking into it so realistically?

glaskham · 28/12/2007 10:24

YANBU....i understand in a way as we're the other way round....we'd said we'd possibly like to have a 3rd in 7/8ys time so our 2 were older, able to help etc, but in the last few months we've decided its a now or never thing for us, i want to get back to work properly, not for a couple of years to then be a sahm again...and i know after being a sahm with these 2 i'd feel guilty if i wasn't to another child....so for us, we've changed our minds and are bringing having a 3rd closer....i'm being a surrogate for my best friend in spring sort of time and then we're going to try to complete our own family a little while after that so within 2ys or so....

but i know the feeling of not wanting a 3rd as i've said that if i went back to work when dd is at school in 2 ys then i'd not want to stop again to have another baby....you love your job, your not saying no more ever, just on hold...see what happens sort of thing....you may do your job for a few years then decide the time is right for you to go straight back into it after having a baby!!....if dp doesn't agre then he's the selfish one imho...your the one who has to carry this baby, bring it into the world, and by the sounds of it you'd be the main carer for your child....he cant ask you to do all that so he gets his own way!!

Hekate · 28/12/2007 10:30

I think that you would be doing the totally WRONG thing to have a third child if it was not what you wanted. It is not the right way to bring a child into the world.

As to your dh not being happy. I have a suggestion. Why not tell him that you will consider having a third child if he is so set on it, but if you were to do that, it would be only on the strict condition that HE must give up his job and become a fulltime SAHD and you will remain at work, because he is the one who wants to add to the family, he should be the one who stays at home day to day.

I wonder what he'd have to say to that.

Maidamess · 28/12/2007 10:36

I had a third because if I'm honest I wanted to show (who?) that I could do it. And now I've realised I probably can't. So don't worry about not having a third. Its bloody hard work, and the payoffs are not apparent. Yet.

VictorianSqualor · 28/12/2007 10:43

Of course you're not being unreasonable. When I had DD(7) I was sure I was never going to have another, 4 years later I changed my mind and had DS. I then split with their father and again was sure I would never have anymore children.

Met a wonderful guy and am pregnant again, we have decided we want to have another after this, quite soon after, then stop. But this is just a guide plan, as haveall my others been.

If I or DP decides this is the last then it will be the last one, if we decide to carry on and have a 4th we will, and if we decide to have a 5th (very unlikely, four will probably be the stopping point as we can't really afford to house anymore!) then we do.

You can't expect to stick to plans all the time.

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