To think I'm made to be single?

[ForeverSingle881]

NC as prior posts are outing and this may be stupid. I'm 34, in a relationship that I can see coming to an end. Every relationship I'm in ends at some.point. When I was younger, I was pretty unattractive so didn't have a lot of success with boys. Then my exP of 8 years turned out to be abusive, I ignored lots of red flags until my life became a living nightmare. Left him, rebuilt my life, met current DP. I was never overly into DP but he was the complete opposite of exP in every way so I stuck it out. 3 years down the line and the relationship is just a bit...meh. He takes me for granted, I think I'm too good for him.

So now what? I genuinely think my standards are so high that I think no man could ever live up to them so I settle with someone a bit shit. I'm happy with my own company the vast majority of the time, but travel would be a challenge on my own plus going out is so much easier in a couple. Terrible reasons to stay in a relationship.

I want a family badly but I'm considering never having children because I can't trust DP to be a good enough partner and I don't want to be the martyr that does everything.

I want a man that's considerate, hard working, affectionate, likes traveling and pulls his weight at home. Haven't found him yet.

I suffered sexual abuse as a child and had a pretty neglectful childhood. Currently in therapy but it's making me realize how much crap I've put up with in my relationships. The thought of meeting a man that meets all my requirements makes me cry, it seems so impossible. Not because men like that don't exist, but I'm just not good enough to attract one. I have a good career, I'm averagely attractive, sociable, generally nice. What the hell do I do next? You can be brutal, I need some hard facts here. I know none of you will tell me to stick it out with DP, although that would be the easiest outcome.

I ticked YANBU because I don't think your expectations of a good man & a good relationship are too high. Continue therapy & give yourself the opportunity to have the relationship & life you want

Recent survey said women who aren't married or have kids are the happiest.

I'm a single mum and honestly it's way easier than having a shit relationship but I would say focus on your financial independence then you won't make compromises on relationships whether you want a child or not.

I do now have a partner but we don't live together and it works perfectly.

Have you looked at the PERMA model of wellbeing? A partner does not need to meet all your needs.

Are you finding the relationship a bit “meh” because you are used to higher levels of drama in your life?

Saying that you think that you are too good for your partner doesn’t make you sound very nice, to be honest. If you want to continue with the relationship, look at what you could bring to it as well as what you can get from it, and how some of your needs could be met outside of the relationship.

I can't vote tbh.

I dont think anyone is made to be single or made to be in a couple.

I think its more complex than that. Our experiences (good and bad), decisions we have made and are made for us, people we have met, past relationships (romantic and non romantic) and so on, all form who we are. We change all the time.

Being single may suit us at a certain time in our lives, being coupled up may suit. I loved being single and planned to stay that way. I just happened to meet someone whose presence was preferable to being single.

The good think here is that you recognise why you made the choices of partner you have and are getting support.

It may be, that right now it's best for yiu to be single. That may or may not change in the future depending on all the things I mentioned above. You may decide that being single is what you want permanently. You may meet someone who changes that.

I don't think there's anything with your standards. I do think you may need accept its not a simple as that. Hard working can soon become too career focused, as an example. But I think your list is a minimum really, though I think everyone is more considerate some days than others. Sometimes work focused sometimes not. You need to remember people aren't perfect and one thing all the time. But your list isn't an issue.

I think you should always have hope and aim for the life you want, whether you're 34 or 64. For that reason, I think you should end your relationship, as you are clearly disappointed with him, and keep looking for what you want.

But I do think you sound rather dramatic and defeatist. You say every relationship you've had ends but there seems to have only been two. Understandable maybe, as you are in the throes of ending your current relationship.

It's hard to tell from your post whether you are:
A) someone who has unrealistic expectations of what a relationship involves and unrealistic expectations of a partner
B) someone who has a crap partner who doesn't meet minimum basic requirements of a relationship.

There is nothing wrong with being on your own if you are happy on your own. There's nothing wrong with going onto have a family on your own if you can manage it financially. If you've had abuse and neglect in your past it would be worth having counselling to work through that if you haven't already.

I don't believe that one person or one relationship can meet 100% of your needs 100% of the time. You need to work out what is important to you and don't compromise on those things. There are things that I don't like about my DH, but I am overall happy to have a partner who shares the same values and the same work ethic as me. That is what is important to me.

You also say you're not good enough to attract a good man. I'm wondering if you're thinking the 'perfect partner' is also by default amazingly attractive. Which makes me wonder if you've built up this idea in your mind of 'Prince Charming'. Who probably doesn't exist.

@twominutesmore

I think you should always have hope and aim for the life you want, whether you're 34 or 64. For that reason, I think you should end your relationship, as you are clearly disappointed with him, and keep looking for what you want.

But what if want you want doesn't exist?

I would love a man who looks like Richard Madden, with the bank account of Jeff Bezos, who is amazing in bed and instinctively knows just the exact right thing to do at the exact moment in time to make me happy. But he doesn't exist.

Being in a relationship is a social construct. If it works for both of you then great but if it doesn't then being single is also great and shouldn't be seen as an affliction. I think it'll become more norm in coming generations.

@AllGoodPoints

Have you looked at the PERMA model of wellbeing? A partner does not need to meet all your needs.

Are you finding the relationship a bit “meh” because you are used to higher levels of drama in your life?

Saying that you think that you are too good for your partner doesn’t make you sound very nice, to be honest. If you want to continue with the relationship, look at what you could bring to it as well as what you can get from it, and how some of your needs could be met outside of the relationship.

I disagree with this. If you think you are too good for him, then you are unhappy with him, it doesn’t matter why and we have no reason to doubt you, or the effort you are putting into the relationship. I think there might be some projecting going on here.

Hi OP

I'd say your experience sounds pretty common for someone with an abusive and neglectful childhood. You didn't get to learn what healthy relationships looked like and ended up with an abusive partner yourself. It's so common. As is choosing an 'opposite' partner when you managed to break free from that relationship based on them being not abusive rather than compatible. So I don't think you're not made for relationships, I think your childhood understandably had a profound effect on how you viewed relationships and caused you to pick partners who weren't right for you and possibly stay with them when other people would have dumped them at the first sign of red flags.
It's only two relationships though which isn't a massive pattern, plenty of people have more than that and end up with someone they're happy with. And you're having therapy and seem pretty self aware so I wouldn't lose hope that you'll find what you're looking for one day

It doesn’t matter if what you want doesn’t ‘exist’, IMO. We all decide what we’re happy with in the meantime, while striving for something better.

So maybe we want to find Richard Madden/Jeff Bezos, one person might decide that in the meantime until Richard Bezos shows up they are happiest single, because only RB will do, and they will spend their time pursuing a career hey find meaningful and fulfilling. A different person might decide that although they want RB, the milkman is a really amazing second best and she will date him and see how things go, especially as she really wants children. In time, she may decide she wouldn’t swap the milkman for anyone. But that would come with time.

Totally agree with bluechinavase.

Please dont make the mistake of believing you need a man in your life to be happy, because that can just bring another set of problems.
The happiest women l know are the ones that have worked on themselves, know who they are and what they want, because society conditions you to think a certain way and sometimes you need to challenge that.
Not all relationships are meant to go the full distance, most have a natural timeframe , doesn' t mean the relationship was a mistake, it was a chapter in your life, it can be a great lesson.
If you learn to live happily alone it really sets the tone for your next relationship, a relationship is meant to enhance your life not become the solution for all the issues you have with yourself. Self awareness and self.discovery is key.

Your expectations are not too high. It is the right thing to expect a supportive partner who treats you with respect, not someone who abuses you or takes you for granted!

Like you I went through a difficult childhood with no real love where I was neglected and verbally and physically abused. I was made to feel ugly, dirty and stupid.

I finally realised that I was endlessly repeating the same pattern with the men I was dating, picking men who were emotionally unavailable, had little to offer and allowed them to treat me poorly.

This realisation came late in life for me so I have little hope that I will find a loving relationship at this stage so I am happy to live alone if that is my fate rather than ever put myself again in harmful relationships.

But you are young and you still have time. If your relationship is not working, end it and spend time working on yourself and trying to build healthier relationships.

@ElectraBlue What this poster said 🙌🏽

But, I like to hope that you both could find someone out there without compromising your expectations too much, you are 100% worth a loving and respectful relationship.

Learn to be happy within yourself for sure, but also don't give up on finding someone who works for you!

theres no harm in being single. You dont have to make a forever decision. I think many people are more suited to being single or having shorter term relationships, but it just sounds like you dont want to settle for too little.

Thanks everyone. There have been other relationships, these are just the longest term ones. DP is a good guy but he does take me for granted and it constantly surprises me how easy it is for him to put himself first. He doesn't do any of the thinking or organising and never hesitates to put his needs first. And it just makes me feel a bit shit. Our relationship is great as long as I'm happy with doing everything, in a cheerful mood and don't complain about anything. He has no patience for me being upset and when I try to tell him that something he does upsets me, he says this who he is and he won't change.

I recently had a week to myself and it was glorious. Not having to constantly think of someone else's needs was so easy, it was blissful. Every man before him has either been abusive or just shit in other ways. He's by far the best I have found and going out into the dating world again is not something I can put myself through. So it's either settle with always doing the donkey work for the sake of not being alone or settle for being alone. I'm not thrilled by either option tbh.