To let this friendship slide

[marmaladeandtoast22]

Long one, sorry.

Need to know what to do about a friendship.

Anne (not real name) and I have been friends since school, good but not best and on a 1:1 basis at school then throughout 20’s as part of a larger group, she being one of the ones I was closest too, lots in common, similar tastes etc. Group imploded in late 20’s for various reasons, but Anne and I remained ‘close’.

Problem is though, whilst we often had a riot and she has been incredibly supportive at tough times, she’s also been for large chunks a frenemy.

In her late teens early 20’s when others were building careers Anne was off partying/travelling and doing fun but none progressing jobs, nowt wrong with that, but whilst she stood still others progressed and the gap got more evident, especially with me as I was lucky enough to have a high paying career. This caused issues as Anne is very, very ‘alpha’, so this made her jealous (to others not just me and cost her other friendships). Jealousy took the form of downright bitching behind others' back’s, p aggressiveness and leaving out/isolating – v childish.

I took a step back from her in early thirties as couldn’t manage it , but in the past 5 years she’s established what is a glittering career, nice family and has become a nicer person and we became closer.

However, at the end of ’19 when I got a new (pt not v well paid) job after 3 yrs not working (2 babies and PND) she started up her old tricks, couldn’t work out why but concluded she was annoyed re the job and she had enjoyed the years of feeling somewhat superior. Again, thought sod this and stepped back, but again through the pandemic she thawed and has been very attentive/normal and we became close - AGAIN!

I live at the other end of the country now to our hometown (she lives about 2hrs away). Messaged her last yr when I was planning a visit, we couldn’t make it work as I had a wedding to attend over the wknd, then she was obvs working in the week. Wedding ended up being cancelled 5 days before – COVID, so I txt saying, short notice but wedding cancelled, can we meet halfway. Got nothing back – she’d read message. Sent her a follow up on the Fri eve reconfing and saying I could even come to her – nothing.

That wknd pics pop up of her in hometown at a family party, I wasn’t too mmm as I thought well obvs a flying visit, but why not just say that instead of ignoring me, we’re not 15!?

Anyway, following wk I meet another friend for dinner - Jo (for b ground, Anne, Jo and I are mutual but Jo wasn’t part of the original group mentioned nor were we a tight knit group IYKWIM – worked in similar industries and all lived v near each other in 20’s, socialised together as result). Anne and I are closer to each other than each of us are to Jo so neither of us would regularly message but see her a lot IYKWIM and until Anne then I moved away always together.

At dinner Jo awkwardly tells me she had dinner with Anne over the weekend, this had seemingly been planned for a while, obvs I wasn’t invited originally as I was at a wedding as far as Anne was concerned, and not back as far as Jo was concerned. I never mentioned wedding to Jo as we don’t chat often, I just said I’m back X week do you fancy dinner on X date.

Obviously, me being back comes up in convo and Jo asks Anne if she’s seeing me and tells Anne she is meeting me for dinner the following week and is there any way she can come across, Anne then has to tell her she knows that I am back and actually back presently and it sounds like she then tried to make out that she didn’t think Jo and I still kept in touch which is why she obvs didn’t think to invite me – this is bllocks (Jo clearly felt a bit awkward). Anne knows full well we still see each other when we can and until I moved in 2020 this was v regularly. So many examples why that I can’t even list them.
I know she can meet who she wants, do what she wants etc. and I’m not bothered anymore as in the grand scheme it is minor, but it is still shtty and well-contrived shttyness, it’s just a repeat of what she was like prev, she’s purposely left me out of that dinner, ignored me for the whole weekend - longer as she was clearly feeling guilty, and, I know it is minor but it made me feel v shtty and waste time that I don’t have analysing what I’d done wrong.

She didn’t comment on anything I put on social media over the week I was back, but then popped up about 5 days later asking how I was, and telling me she was saying to Jo when she saw her that we should all have a weekend away together, eh??! Er no thanks.

I never replied as I just think I am too old for all this bobbins, straw and camels back now, I can't put effort/time I don’t have into maintaining relationships with people who for whatever reason want to make me feel bad. Should I just let it fizzle out, I keep stopping myself from messaging her but then think now I’m being childish, but then remembering everything else she's done. Gaaaahh what do I do?

Seriously, who can be arsed with this? She sounds like everything has to be on her terms - definitely let the friendship slide.

I think if you want to stop feeling childish, you'll do better to stop going into all the detail in your head, and just not think about it. You're not obliged to communicate or meet with her. You're not obliged not to. Just don't do anything until you feel like doing something, which may be never.

The childish thing is allowing yourself to be drawn into this drama. Just stop.

She's blowing hot and cold. Retreating and then reeling you in again. And you're allowing her to.

The thing with these sorts of posts is that they are heavily loaded with what a bad person Anne is.

The truth is that you have been friends for a long time and sometimes you get sick of her and withdraw. Highly likely she feels just the same.

I can't see that she has done anything particularly awful, more that you feel aggrieved that she did not invite you to a pre-arranged dinner. Just as you did not invite the Jo person.

Maybe it isn't all about you. Maybe she just wanted to have dinner with Jo/

Look you sound pretty down on her and presumptuous about your role in her life. It is no basis for a true friendship.

I think you need to focus on your own behaviour and boundaries, and stop reading so much into what you think other people are or are not doing.

The bit about who does/doesn't comment on your social media posts is quite sad. It speaks to your insecurities. Post if you want to post, don't if you don't. But don't saddle others with the responsibility of boosting your ego.

The other thing I dislike about these sorts of posts is that you are "evidence gathering" reasons not to like Anne including pushing the mutual friend into an awkward situation. And actually most of this is in your head.

Poor Jo. Why can't she meet Anne and then meet you without having to feel awkward?

Let the friendship slide if that's what you need to do. But the whole evidence dossier thing says to me that you have issues that only you can resolve.

What do you need from your thread, Marmalade - permission?

Here you go: you have permission to reduce or even cease contact with Ann.

Ann is playing teen girl mind games. Ann's behaviour has made you question yourself & feel sad.

When you think about not contacting Ann again, how does that make you feel? If you feel good (or at least better) about it - don't contact her again.
If it makes you feel bad, ask yourself why, then give yourself a few more days for your feelings to settle. One of the questions you may need to put to yourself is whether you feel bad because you are made to perform or compete for Ann's attention. If that's the case - do NOT get sucked back into the dynamic. Because that leads to nowhere except being played for a fool.

YANBU, it sounds like she's playing games and possibly considering how to break up the friendship between you and Jo.

I wouldn't respond either, if she calls you or messages you, do tell her that it was childish of her to not to mention she and Jo were meeting that weekend.

@sweetbellyhigh I really enjoyed your perspective.

But ... Ann's not being straightforward, is she?
What's wrong with saying "I'm going to be at a wedding / I'm seeing Jo for some one on one time / can't be arsed to meet but am not ignoring your message"?

Couple the lack of transparency with bitching about people behind their backs, & I'd hazard that OP isn't the one creating an agenda here.

sometimes you get sick of her and withdraw. Highly likely she feels just the same.

This.

Honestly, the level of petty minutiae in your post, I was bored by the end, you must be exhausted to be in your own head.

Yes, just drop her.

[quote ChargingBuck]@sweetbellyhigh I really enjoyed your perspective.

But ... Ann's not being straightforward, is she?
What's wrong with saying "I'm going to be at a wedding / I'm seeing Jo for some one on one time / can't be arsed to meet but am not ignoring your message"?

Couple the lack of transparency with bitching about people behind their backs, & I'd hazard that OP isn't the one creating an agenda here.[/quote]
Maybe? I think we can't know.

My view is that we can only be responsible for our own behaviour.

I also think it's a great mistake to assume or try to mind read, especially when feeling hurt.

Just focus on what works for yourself, be authentic, assume the best and it'll work out. The less healthy friendships will fall away if you don't feed into the games.

But I don't believe in rewriting history. Obviously the friendship was enjoyed and mutual for a long time.

People come and go from our lives, our great mistake is in trying to force relationships into some sort of notion they should be forever. Just respect it for the time it was good and the rest will fall into place.

@sweetbellyhigh - I too really enjoyed your perspective. It just goes to show that there are always two sides. I was fully in the OP's camp initially until I read your response and it really gives food for thought

[quote blueluce85]@sweetbellyhigh - I too really enjoyed your perspective. It just goes to show that there are always two sides. I was fully in the OP's camp initially until I read your response and it really gives food for thought[/quote]
That's.very nice of you, thank you

The thing is friendships change and evolve. This one sounds like it's run its course.

Does she make you happy? Clearly not. Move on