Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU

24 replies

1122333j · 18/01/2022 08:19

We have a great small circle of friends. Six of us (we are three couples). My husband knew them from high school and I've been in the mix for the past 10yrs. I do love then like family - we have NEVER fallen out or argued.

I don't get to do much. I work full time and solo parent (army wife, he's away 24/7) while I'm with my three children 7/3/1y. I have no down time. They have been really lovely and popped over to walk the dog a couple of times in the least year since I couldn't get out with all three children. They do always say 'we are here if you need us just ask'. Obviously I don't ask, I hate asking others for help and I don't want to be a burden so I try to just manage.

I thought it would be really nice to ask the two ladies/wives if they'd like to do an afternoon tea this month. We did one a few months ago and it was so nice to just chill and bond. I don't feel important like a best friend of the group because I am always working or with the children, and so loved this one on one time. We said let's try and do one monthly but nothing has come of it so I thought I'd set one up for us.

I asked them, 30+, if they were free for tea and cake or lunch one day. They both said yes. It felt nice to finally arrange something and I was looking forward to finally feeling closer. Then one of them has asked if they can bring a friend who I don't know, and never met. Obviously I said I don't mind because I don't want to seem weird like it's just us three and no one else, but I was upset.

AIBU to be upset she has added someone to our lunch? I feel like she doesn't want to spend time with me? I'm having a proper anxiety attack about this new girl coming and I don't know what to say to her. I really wanted it to be just me and the other two friends so we can catch up but now I feel like just messaging saying that I feel sick. My time is SO precious that I feel like I'm wasting it going to a lunch where - instead of old friends meaningfully catching up and re-bonding, I'm going to just have to get to know this new person.

FYI, she's also done this before, when we decided to book a group holiday at New Year's. She kept saying 'ooh, I can ask Nat to come as well!' even though I had no idea who 'Nat' is and I thought we were booking a family friend, childhood free group booking, just the six of us. I did say "Well, I'd sort of like it to be just us guys so I can relax and not have to play the 'getting to know a new person' game". Plus, in 15yrs of knowing each other we have never gone away.

Once again - AIBU wanting to just re-bond with our family friends, with my very limited personal time, and I'm feeling unwanted because no one arranges things for all of us and when I do, one lady keeps wanting to invite a new person.

OP posts:

ttcstinks · 18/01/2022 08:25

YANBU, I hate when people do that. Why didn't she do a separate lunch with the other person.

You're right it's exhausting enough trying to bond with fairly new people without her random friend being thrown in the mix.

I wouldn't bother arranging anything again with them OP, Fwiw I don't do anything with my DH girlfriends sounds like too much hassle to me!

madisonbridges · 18/01/2022 08:34

How can these people feel like family if you're not bonded with them? Did you really say to someone, you didn't want to play the getting to know a new person game? Isn't that what they did with you when you met your DH? Didn't you all become a family? Why do you feel threatened by a friend of theirs? You might really like her and she could become a good friend. At the end if the day it's just an afternoon tea.

PinkSyCo · 18/01/2022 08:49

Could it be that your friend doesn’t get much leisure time either so when she does get to do something nice she grabs the opportunity to bring another good friend of hers along? You shouldn’t take this personally or feel that it devalues your friendship at all. It makes you seem a bit possessive, immature and needy to be honest.

Ileflottante · 18/01/2022 08:49

I think you sound very guarded about your group of three friends. I know you don’t get much time and I understand that, but this new woman might become a wonderful friend too?

Instead of going into the situation with a hostile hissing cat mentality, why not approach it with “if my friend likes her a lot, I might too,” and then you may have a new friend.

I think your reaction is quite severe.

Original poster

1122333j · 18/01/2022 08:53

@madisonbridges yes, I did joke that I didn't want to do the getting to know someone on holiday thing. We are the kind of friends where we can moan and swear and grime up a bit - we are not fancy or anything. Think lower middle class country/beach characters who like a beer or gin and like a campfire and boardgame. They feel like family because we went to high school together (I didn't know them closely in high school, different groups etc) and have had our kids together. They are really my husband's only friends when he comes home on leave. They are lovely. One of the women is his closest friend and we've always gotten on really well. She's our children's godparent and I do love her, but we don't have any memories because we've never done anything casual together. It's always group things. That's what I wanted to build in closeness, just doing casual things together. Not always doing couple things. X

OP posts:

RealBecca · 18/01/2022 08:55

Cant day no without making it an issue. You might really like the new person and it shows shes inviting you further into her circle. So it's annoying, yes, but it's a personality clash- you're a small group person, shes a more the merrier type. You may find "Nat" and you hit it off and do some small 1:1 stuff in the future.

IsDaveThere · 18/01/2022 08:55

YABU - It seems like a complete overreaction to me! Having an anxiety attack and feeling unwanted because a 4th person is coming who you don't know? She may be really nice! You are not wasting your time, you can still have a catch up with your friends.

Wat2do222 · 18/01/2022 09:00

I totally get it but what if the friend she brings is an awesome person too? Be a chance to widen your circle? If she is friends with your mate she might be a like minded person? Like I said, I do get it and would be a bit like wtf but it may also be some social anxiety you are experiencing? The holiday thing is completely different, that I would not be happy with at all! Hope you do decide to go, I suffer with social anxiety some times but it is never truly as bad as you think, just the build up makes it seem torturous

girlmom21 · 18/01/2022 09:00

YABU - sorry. It will be fine.

AgentProvocateur · 18/01/2022 09:06

Your social circle seems small, and it’s not like this woman is a total stranger. She’s your friend’s friend, so presumably a very nice woman.

madisonbridges · 18/01/2022 09:26

That's what I wanted to build in closeness, just doing casual things together.
It seems like you have a quite fixed idea of how you want your friendship to look like: family and more closeness. And it looks like you're trying to force that on the others. Maybe they're just happy with your friendship as it is and don't feel the need to make memories. The memories I have with friends are not because I set out to make them. It all sounds quite forced when really friendships are usually organic. Maybe you need to relax more and just go with the flow.

Hadjab · 18/01/2022 10:44

My best friend and I lost touch for a few years - life just sort of got in the way. In that time she made a whole new set of friends. We reconnected ten years ago, she’s introduced me to her friends, and I’m bloody glad she did, because I now have a circle of fantastic people who have been supportive to me since my husband died. What’s the saying? Strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet?

MichelleScarn · 18/01/2022 10:49

How would you have felt at the start if they had said to your dh, 'no YOURE our friend, we don't need to get on with your dw'?

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/01/2022 10:53

This is how friendships happen. People meet new friends, want to include them with their old friends, the new friends eventually become old friends. If everyone only ever wanted to spend time with the two people they’d known for years and refused to ever entertain others joining them, the world would be a very lonely place.

I think it’s totally fine to have declined the new friend to come on holiday before you’d even met, that’s a different situation and dynamic. But a casual friendly afternoon tea sounds like the perfect way to meet somebody new and perhaps make a great new friend.

LakeShoreD · 18/01/2022 10:55

I totally get where you’re coming from but this woman could be great and I’d give her a chance. The holiday thing is totally different though, I wouldn’t go away with a stranger and I don’t think many people would be keen.

Talipesmum · 18/01/2022 10:58

She was unreasonable to invite someone else along… but you’d be unreasonable to call off because of it.
Plenty of people genuinely think you’ll be thrilled if they expand the party by bringing more friends along. There’ve been whole threads on here about it, with people on both sides equally baffled. She probably genuinely thinks it’ll be lovely for you to meet her nice friend, and she’s being nice by introducing more people into your life - and she likely means it as a compliment as she thinks you’ll like each other.
So don’t read anything bad into her bringing the extra person - do your best to cope and to be friendly with her. Hope you all have a good time in the end.

RainbowBridge21 · 18/01/2022 10:58

I get where you're coming from but I do think you're being a bit over dramatic. It's just one probably nice person who clearly wants to make friends. You could at least give her a chance, you might find you get along really well. Your DHs friends welcomed you into the group so I don't see why you can't be welcoming to another person too.

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/01/2022 11:01

You also sound quite intense and unrealistically fixed and rigid in how you view this friendship and how you want the three of you to relate to each other, without knowing whether you’d friends feel the same. Particularly since these two friends appear to be your only friends, I think there’s every chance they’re feeling a little bit awkward about you being more intense than they are about it all and are actively trying to broaden and create a wider friendship group.

Original poster

1122333j · 18/01/2022 11:08

Thank you for all of the comments.

I do need to just chill. I do have quite low self worth, because I've lost myself during motherhood, but that's not for me to put on other people to make me feel wanted.

Going forward I will try not to put so much pressure on myself to get closer to friends and just accept the relationships we already have. I probably need to branch out back in to my other networks of friends as well, just to get used to seeing other people more.

Really, thank you for your help. Both sides of comments were very insightful and grounding for me. Xx

OP posts:

dottiedodah · 18/01/2022 13:26

I think 3 is an unequal number anyway. 4 people will be fine ! Try to chill out if you can . "Nat" may be lovely and add another dimension to your group. In any case just an afternoon tea and cake .Not a weekend away!

SmallElephant · 18/01/2022 13:31

Neither of you are being unreasonable, you're just different types of people. She's a 'more the merrier' type and you prefer small intimate groups.

I would also be a bit cross with her for wanting to change the plan, but YABU to think it's because she doesn't want to spend time with you.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 18/01/2022 13:37

You can't help how you feel, it isn't about being reasonable or unreasonable but just your feelings. Personally I'd find it very stifling to have someone clinging onto just me and one other as a friend, and I'd move on accordingly to people more like me, who like to bring others together. If this is your friend then either accept how she is, or be prepared that she will have far fewer opportunities to see you because of the restrictions you want to place on how that friendship is allowed to work.

4 is a better number for tea IMO, you get 2 groups of 2 chatting as well as group chat. You might like Nat, she might even become a new friend and brighten your life.

Bouledeneige · 18/01/2022 23:40

YABU. It's all a bit precious isn't it?

Natty13 · 19/01/2022 00:22

You're not being unreasonable, you feel how you feel. I do think it's an overreaction though. I think it's nice that they want to introduce you to someone they think you might like and help you depend your social circle. Totally get that you aren't feeling up to it but you might end up looking back and being so glad it happened! X

Flip