Be kind please! As a side note I am going to therapy and am also currently starting medicine for adhd (stimulants) which are not doing good things for my anxiety.
I’ve been seeing a guy for around 3.5 months. started slow at first with one date a week for quite a while and then in December agreed we wanted to see eachother more. Things then ramped up, led by him, and we spent lots of time together over the Xmas holidays including him inviting me to meet his brother and his family, and going to his home town to meet several of his extended family and all of his home friends who is very close to. He hasn’t taken anyone home in around 7 years so I think it was a big thing for him. It went really well. He has also just suggested I meet his dad (who he has a tricky relationship with so it’s quite sensitive). He took me to his mums grave also.
He’s consistent with communication, and a kind person. When I’m relaxed he makes me feel safe and secure. He looked after me when I was sick over Xmas. He’s a kind and sensitive soul, tends towards a bit of depression and has opened up to me about this (not too much) and let me see him sad about things like his mum dying which I guess shows trust.
However he hasn’t said anything much about how he feels about me. He’ll compliment my physical appearance, but on our feelings we are both very tight lipped. I struggle with saying these things first but at times have felt very close to and even in love with him (when we were spending lots of time together).
I very awkwardly asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend on the weekend (that sounds so juvenile, I’m 37!) as I felt uneasy that we hadn’t talked about exclusivity etc and he said ‘I guess so? and that he’d been assuming we were exclusive anyway. He said he didn’t know how people had the time to multidate and that because he was with me he doesn’t ‘need to’. I said I wanted to know he didn’t want to date others because he liked me, and he sort of mumbled ‘well yeah’ or something to that effect which I took to mean maybe he’s a commitment phobe and will never be able to say he loves me (god it looks ridiculous written down like this), when I think he was probably just a bit taken aback as he thought it was obvious? He also said he’d never labelled things in the past, but he had a girlfriend for five years who he was with seriously and he calls her his ex so I think what he means is he never felt they needed to have a formal chat about it; it just happened? But maybe that’s wishful thinking.
I worry that without verbal reassurance I will start to feel needy as this has happened in past relationships and it has gotten on partners nerves (I’m a lot better now in general).
I’m already feeling insecure and am overthinking the last couple of weeks because we went back to our lives (ie not living in each others pockets but still seeing eachother a few times a week and texting or speaking every day) and the transition has been hard. It almost feels like a rejection.
He has also been distant and distracted, perhaps because he has been moving house and also work stress, but I’m used to feeling like I have his full attention and he’s frequently not listening to what I say / going to check his phone while I talk to text friends, do life admin etc. It feels disrespectful and makes me feel insecure; even though i know I’m probably on hyper alert for ‘signs’ he isn’t not into me and this (like all the others) will go wrong.
In my more confident moments I get the sense that he also feels strongly about me and is too shy to say anything and perhaps doesn’t know where he stands as I come across as very independent and self sufficient. But then I start stressing about thinking about the amount of people on mumsnet who say you need to formally define a relationship etc and if they won’t they’re not committed etc.
I’m being silly, aren’t I? I think I just need some reassurance this is heading in the right direction and some men struggle with verbalising things.
Yabu - you are being silly
Yanbu - you would also be worried