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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think these people are not my friends?

47 replies

friendsno · 17/01/2022 18:51

Small group of five friends since university but I've always felt on the 'outside'.

We all now live in the same city and see each other regularly.

For everyone's birthday we do the present / dinner / cake etc thing, organised by the others in the group.

Most recent birthday included drinks out and then back to one of our homes for dinner and more drinks

My birthday rolls around and no one suggests anything, no cards from any of them but turns out they did all see each other the night before but didn't mention it to me.

I was out with my husband but it still stung (it was December and still stings tbh).

I know if I was that bothered I could have organised it myself and actually I don't need a huge fuss on my birthday, it's just compared to the effort made for the others I feel like I'm not valued as a friend and might want to try and make others...

OP posts:

AutumnLeaves21 · 17/01/2022 20:09

Awful and inexcusable OP I’m sorry they have treated you so badly. Do you have any other friends? I know it will still hurt that long standing friends have treated you this way but I’d be focussing your energy elsewhere x

Ginger1982 · 17/01/2022 20:53

Is this the first time your birthday has come around since you started doing this for each other? I think I would have to confront them. They're not your friends so you have nothing to lose.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/01/2022 20:56

The birthday thing, maybe I could see how it could happen (eg if its usually organised by the birthday person) but all going out as a group and not inviting you is harsh, it's not nice in a group of 5 to leave one of you out (unless there is a drip feed like they all work in one building and you dont or live in one city and you dont or you've just had a baby etc)

Thirtytimesround · 17/01/2022 21:06

They’re not your friends and they sound rather nasty. Going out the night before your birthday and not telling you until after, then sending no cards but texting so you can see thst they knew? They sound more like pathetic school bullies than anything else.

Let them go.

Oddbobbyboo · 17/01/2022 21:13

Unfortunately, they’re not your friends. The same has happened to me too. It’s truly horrible but I’m slowly drifting away….. I’ve made no contact for three weeks…. They have just noticed. Time to make new friends x sorry this has happened to you xx

whirlycarly · 17/01/2022 21:22

Oh this is just unkind. I don't know how people think it's ok to do this. I'd feel horrible.

Distance yourself. I know it's far easier said than done and it occupies a lot of headspace.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 17/01/2022 21:34

I think the combination of covid and Christmas probably explains this somewhat, or at least explains why they maybe didn’t want to go out. They could have arranged a gift though.

Who is usually the ring leader in arranging gifts and a night out for birthdays? Are you close to them? I have a group of friends and one of them is big into birthdays and for her favourites in the group she organised big lavish gifts but for those of us who she’s not as close to we get less of a fuss made because she doesn’t get as involved and nobody else puts in that amount of effort. I have just accepted that’s the way it is, although I would be upset if my birthday was overlooked.

Did they know you were out with your husband the night they all went out or did they not invite you thinking you were free? Either way I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think about making other friends.

Thethreewitches · 17/01/2022 21:47

I really feel for you. You must be hurt.

However I think group dynamics can be unpleasant and thoughtless and there is often a person or a few people on the edge of the group. So don’t take it personally that in this case it feels like this is you.

I would be as pragmatic as you can be. Widen your friendships, start finding and making new ones but don’t cut off the old ones. You can rely on the less and then you won’t feel so hurt. It’s good to have a lot of people in your life. Keep them but shift them to the perimeter and find some new people to invest in.

I’m sure this happens to everyone in a group once in a while. It happens to one person in every group, I think and it happens in families too.

It’s actually the reason why I much prefer 1-1 friendships and have a lot of them and very few “groups” of friends

maddening · 17/01/2022 21:55

So who organises the other birthdays? I would always organise my own birthday? If you had organised it and they had all refused etc that is one thing though. Also, as a group of 5 are there 2 close friendships, eg 2 people are "best friends" (bit high schoolish but some people never grow out of it) so would organise for their best friend but you are not buddied up in that way?

Madge55 · 17/01/2022 21:59

Not nice people and they're not your friends. If you can't envisage yourself doing this to any one of them, don't let them have the opportunity to do it to you again.

Maverick66 · 17/01/2022 22:52

Move on.
You are worth so much more than a txt.

JoyOrbison · 17/01/2022 22:59

It's two fold isnt it?

They went out on a group night out without including you, inviting you or ebven mentioning it to you.

Then tjey have firgotton ir ignired your birthdat, no celebration either for drinks or a meal , no gift and no card.

If you want to dissolve ties with them quietly just dont reply to group WhatsApp messages, dont respond to posts on facebook / ither social media, dint ring them, jyst drift away, and make sure yiu acrually do things witnout them so you dont feel ledt behind, but ferl like your life is improving.

Tbh you sound as tjough you will be better off without them, op.

KatherineofGaunt · 17/01/2022 23:06

Not very friendly of them, I'm not surprised you're hurt, OP. I'd definitely be easing off from the group.

Kind of similar, I have two friends from school, who I would have called best friends in the past. But over the past few years I have realised that I'M not THEIR best friend. They just don't really seem bothered about me. I haven't seen them in person in over 4 years, despite inviting them to things and asking them for dates I could come to them. They've never met my DC. I suspect I'm on a limited profile on FB because I don't see posts from them. It's felt less hurtful since I realised that they're just not that into me and I need to gently step back. Self-preservation, and all that.

Sheabutterisdelish · 17/01/2022 23:15

That's just horrible

Enough4me · 17/01/2022 23:16

It is their loss as if they can do this to you they can do it to each other as well. I have been dropped from a group of four where I'm still friends with the one other genuine person in the group. I feel lighter without the other two game-playing attention seekers who continually bicker.

I am focusing on my genuine friends and have a couple of things set up to look forward to.

OP - can you arrange some things you like with other family and friends, try new activities? (Invest in genuine people).

Dacquoise · 18/01/2022 00:07

I can't understand how such a small group of people can get into a habit of celebrating each other's birthdays but completely fail to acknowledge one member when it's her turn other than a text. It can't be forgetfulness, it suggests complete indifference. Why would you want to be part of this group? Find people who genuinely like and respect you for the sake of your self esteem. You deserve better .

Mollysocks · 18/01/2022 10:11

This happened to me OP, I was in a close friendship group of 3, known them for a few years. We always went for food and got each other a token gift for birthdays. We went out for a meal for my birthday as normal and there were no presents. Didn’t think much of it until the next day I just get a card pushed through the door from friend 1. Nothing from friend 2. A month or so later it was friend 2’s birthday and friend 1 messaged and says she’s seen something she knows friend 2 will like can we go halves. I was so hurt I just said I thought we’d decided no presents and didn’t get either of them anything from then on. I’ve let them drift to acquaintances now as I am not being treated like an after thought

LyndaLaHughes · 18/01/2022 18:35

but turns out they did all see each other the night before but didn't mention it to me

Regardless of the birthday issue which is bad enough- this statement says these people are most definitely not your friends.

Mary46 · 18/01/2022 19:55

Op that is not nice. That is not how friends behave. Dont give money towards gifts and cake next time.

LittleMissTake · 18/01/2022 20:07

Laugh if they ask you to contribute to their presents and move on.

cstaff · 18/01/2022 20:29

The worst and most hurtful part of this is the fact that they actually had a night out around your birthday but didn't include you. I wouldn't call them out but I would distance myself gradually rather than having a big drama.

autienotnaughty · 18/01/2022 20:47

Yeah I agree I think I'd step back from this friendship it seems it's only going to cause hurt. Friends should not make you feel not good enough.

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