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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying something?

23 replies

Isntitironic1 · 17/01/2022 18:19

So my work colleagues son (21) has just started seeing a woman I know (49). My work colleague thinks that she’s only in her 30s and isn’t aware that she has children (she’s got 4 who have all at some stage been taken out of her care). I overheard the women’s name mentioned in conversation the other day and I’m wondering if I should tell her what I know. I don’t want her to think that I’ve known things and not told her but similarly I don’t really want to get involved. This woman has been in prison for child abuse and my work colleague has young grandchildren. I feel like I’m in an impossible situation and wish I hadn’t heard the conversation

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JenniferAlisonPhilippaSue · 17/01/2022 18:41

Has this woman been in a local newspaper? Perhaps an article with age, photos and crimes? Could print it off and discreetly leave it on your colleagues desk and she would never know who it was.

Freecuthbert · 17/01/2022 18:48

So her full name was mentioned in conversation and you overheard? You heard this clearly and you are certain it is the same woman? Just making sure there is no room for misinterpretation or mishearing, especially with common names.

Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 17/01/2022 18:48

@JenniferAlisonPhilippaSue

Has this woman been in a local newspaper? Perhaps an article with age, photos and crimes? Could print it off and discreetly leave it on your colleagues desk and she would never know who it was.
She most likely was at the time but has changed her name since so I don’t know what her name was before
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Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 17/01/2022 18:54

@Freecuthbert

So her full name was mentioned in conversation and you overheard? You heard this clearly and you are certain it is the same woman? Just making sure there is no room for misinterpretation or mishearing, especially with common names.
Sorry yes I should have added that after I overheard I had a look on social media and it was there. Same woman
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Stiffcondomhat · 17/01/2022 18:56

If you are 100% sure its her and children are potentially at risk then yes you should tell her.

SailingNotSurfing · 17/01/2022 18:57

That's a massive age gap besides anything else.

I wouldn't hesitate in telling your colleague about this woman's past.

Cocomarine · 17/01/2022 19:00

So you know her current fake name and all this detail, yet you don’t know her real name when committed the crimes. That’s… odd.

neverbeenskiing · 17/01/2022 19:00

If you are absolutely 100% certain that this woman is a risk to children and is now in contact with your colleagues young GC then I do think you should say something. But you would have to be completely sure of your facts before doing so. Is there any possibility that she could be taking about another woman who has the same name? Are you 100% certain that this woman has been to prison for child abuse or is that hearsay? You need to tread carefully.

Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 17/01/2022 19:02

@Stiffcondomhat

If you are 100% sure its her and children are potentially at risk then yes you should tell her.
How do I even bring it up though? I’d be devastated if that was my son and it might end up driving a wedge between them
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Ponoka7 · 17/01/2022 19:03

People trust older women around children, unlike men they aren't on anyone's radar. As said for child protection reasons, you should tell her. I wouldn't focus on her age, just what she's done.

Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 17/01/2022 19:04

@Cocomarine

So you know her current fake name and all this detail, yet you don’t know her real name when committed the crimes. That’s… odd.
She changed her name by deed poll, how is it odd that I don’t know her name when she committed the crimes? I didn’t know her then
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Ponoka7 · 17/01/2022 19:04

I'd outright ask her if she's likely to be meeting her grandchildren. Then I'd start the full conversation.

Ponoka7 · 17/01/2022 19:05

Do you know for sure that it's true?

AndItDoesntSeemToMatter · 17/01/2022 19:07

I was about to say mind your own business until I read the prison bit. Yes, I'd tell her but only if you are absolutely certain. That's one hell of a false accusation.

Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 17/01/2022 19:12

@neverbeenskiing

If you are absolutely 100% certain that this woman is a risk to children and is now in contact with your colleagues young GC then I do think you should say something. But you would have to be completely sure of your facts before doing so. Is there any possibility that she could be taking about another woman who has the same name? Are you 100% certain that this woman has been to prison for child abuse or is that hearsay? You need to tread carefully.
So to cut a long story short we used to live on the same street, our children were similar age so would play together so we got friendly. After about a year her partner (father of her youngest) kicked her out because he was working away and she had left the child (aged 4) alone overnight with a 12 year old boy. (Probably more to the story) he told me that I should be careful letting her around my child and told me how she had other children taken off her and how their daughter was a ‘ward of court’ until she was 3. I was obviously in disbelief so he should me the proof, this was over 10 years ago so I can’t remember all the details and I think I was completely in shock when he showed me everything. He obviously asked me to keep it quiet for his daughters sake as he didn’t want her to suffer because of mums past
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Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 17/01/2022 19:13

*showed

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honeybeetheoneandonly · 17/01/2022 23:04

You could just say that you knew someone called X but she would be almost 50 now and shouldn't be around young children. Then you can tell your colleague what you know and still leave the option open that it is possibly a different person who is also named X.

Loyaultemelie · 18/01/2022 10:58

I think @honeybeetheoneandonly has a good idea that way it's up to colleague to make the connection

Original poster
Isntitironic1 · 18/01/2022 11:15

So morning coffee break I mentioned to my colleague that I’d heard the conversation about her son and just said I used to be neighbours with a woman with the same name but she’s 49 and has 4 kids (who are no longer in her care) she just shrugged it off and said oh it’s definitely not the same woman as she’s only 38 and has no kids. I said have you met her? She said no but her son is happy 😬

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Catrice · 18/01/2022 11:21

Yes, you definitely need to say something. Just be honest as you have been on here. Ask to have a quick word then say you overheard the name being mentioned yesterday (or whenever)but wanted to make sure of your facts before telling her.

Catrice · 18/01/2022 11:23

Sorry, hadn't read the update!

Lou98 · 18/01/2022 11:29

After your update I would leave it now. You've tried, she isn't interested, don't risk souring a work relationship when she doesn't want to know

FelicityPike · 18/01/2022 11:36

@Isntitironic1

So morning coffee break I mentioned to my colleague that I’d heard the conversation about her son and just said I used to be neighbours with a woman with the same name but she’s 49 and has 4 kids (who are no longer in her care) she just shrugged it off and said oh it’s definitely not the same woman as she’s only 38 and has no kids. I said have you met her? She said no but her son is happy 😬
Oh well. Let it go now. You tried.
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