To think DH is being hypocritical

[Wazza89]

DH and I have had quite a turbulent relationship and nearly split over the holidays. He begged me to give things another go and since then we’ve been good - although I’m slightly on my guard.

DS (nearly 3) came home from school Friday with a cough and temperature (eek!). He woke up during the night crying but I didn’t wake up and DH did. I take Mirtazapine for sleep and anxiety. Before I started taking this drug, I’d wake up at the slightest noise or stir but not now. Especially since I’m weaning myself off and the lower the dose, the more sedating the effects (according to the doctor). Anyway, I was grateful to DH and let him have a long lie in.

We went for a drive to try and settle DS and whilst we were on the car, DH started saying that ds needs a better diet and has to start eating vegetables - whether he likes it or not. DS is having speech and language therapy as he’s verbal but shows signs of ASD. He flaps his hands when he’s excited, is obsessed with numbers and letters, and will only watch Blippi or factual shows. He also has sensory issues. The only way I can get vegetables in him is by dicing it really small and making a spag Bol or pasta bake (he loves pasta!). He’ll eat apples and bananas and I put vitamins in his water. His favourite foods are chips and cereal. He has just started eating cheese and crackers and drinking from a straw. I have sought professional advice but they’re not that worried.

Anyway, DH says he’s getting colds all the time (twice in 6 months and norovirus) because he’s eating chips and nuggets too often. If I don’t make bolognese or pasta bake, that’s all he’ll have (and sausage and beans or beans on toast). DH said it’s time to clamp down on it and if he’s really hungry, he’ll eventually eat vegetables. I disagree as we’ve already tried and he screamed the house down. Was also told I’m too soft on him.

A good friend of mine always buys him chips when she sees him (about twice a month) because he absolutely loves chips. DH said that has to stop and I have to tell her to stop it because, “I know she’s your friend but HE’S your priority now”. I was quite pissed off he spoke to me like that but put it down to tiredness/stress.

What really irks me is that we were at my mil’s house a few weeks ago and her husband (DH stepfather) gave ds six chocolate digestives after he’d already had crisps and quality streets. When I asked DH and my mil how many he’d had, they looked at each other and laughed before telling me had 6. I wasn’t happy but let it go. DH always shares chocolate with him and his family buy him
white chocolate (which I put away and don’t let him have). He’s not allowed sweets. I only buy wholemeal bread and good peanut butter. He doesn’t have chocolate cereal or crisps very often. So the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get.

Should I let it go or bring it up gently?

being very frank here if your son has asd and every thing you said he does is a red flag (i have a ex partner of 22 years and a 11 and 17 y old with it, and many other complex disabilities each and im around kids with many different disabilities most days) then your husbands attitude is going to have to change sharpish.
neurotypical kids(or the old term of disabled kids but that offends some)brains function differently to typical kids and are actually built different physically

ARFID can and usually accompanies asd and it is such a complex disorder .then you can have the food intolerances of asd itself and sensory issues involving food. i know quite a lot of asd kids that only eat beige foods that cant touch each other on a plate ,let alone a varied diet with veg.

or asd could go the other way and they eat constantly and i mean constantly and their brain dont tell them to stop.

this is us , they both eat constantly and always have done, im talking 8-9 large full meals a day

another one would be me telling him who the f does he think hes talking to and its not to happen again

im my user name and take no shit off anyone. i make sure people know im not to be messed with though and have boundaries put in place even if they offend. i have been called a bitch many times but thorough out my life ive never been messed with or taken advantage of so my way works for me. boundaries need to be set or people walk all over you
people(family, spouses or not)need to know their place and you wont be talked to like that

Why is it 'You' amd not 'We' you seem to be getting a lot of blame for his diet, but where does your DH come into this??? If he feels your son hasn't got the best diet, then let him crack on with planning breakfast, snacks, dinner, lunch, tea etc etc. Also let him deal with the potential meltdowns X

You seem to have it nailed on getting food into your child, and the professionals are not worried

Tell you dh that it’s not that simple, that the professionals are not worried, but if he is he can take over cooking and feeding the child

Then he will soon come to realise you are right

Tell dh he is right. Your ds's diet needs more planning. So sadly visiting mil and her Cupboards Of Shite is off limits.
He is a twat.

@Santahasjoinedww

Tell dh he is right. Your ds's diet needs more planning. So sadly visiting mil and her Cupboards Of Shite is off limits. He is a twat.

Well this, in a nutshell. And also make sure that all the stuff DH stashes in the house that's unhealthy also gets chucked. Lead by example, right?

DS was a fussy eater - still is. But do you know what made him even fussier? Forcing him.

So as much as I fretted about the wee sod getting scurvy, we did a laid back approach, filled him with the things he did eat that were healthy, got creative with smoothies and drinks, and like you, by stealth veg.

The only condition was that he had to try it once. If he didn't like it, he didn't have to eat it, but he did have to try it. If he genuinely gagged at a dinner he got porridge instead so at least I knew he'd have something in his tummy.

We told him that his taste buds grow up too as he gets older so things he hated when he was 2 he might like when he is 5 so every year or so a previously refused food still gets tried every once in a while and we've had a few wins that way.

Now, DS is 9 and so far appears to be NT, so we didn't have sensory issues that I know of, but I'm glad we took a laid back approach as he's pretty good about giving things a go now because there's no fear, he's still a little fussy but he's widened his palate a fair bit and I can manage to get a relatively balanced diet into him most days.

Just agree that he is probably right and that you are handing it over to him.

My DD has ADHD and from being about 2-6 her eating consumed me as she ate so little and such limited foods. She's got better as she's grown older.

I'd be telling him & I'd not be doing it gently!!

You don't need to be very grateful for DH getting up to HIS son in the night.

He's going to need to get on board with DS, maybe, having some SEN & that he is likely to have issues that make 'food' difficult.

& what @Santahasjoinedww said

Tell dh he is right. Your ds's diet needs more planning. So sadly visiting mil and her Cupboards Of Shite is off limits.
He is a twat

..and that's before I get onto the shut way he treats you.

Can’t help with the DH problem or the suspected ASD.
DS is very fussy and has been from about age 3. I focus on getting 5 a day into him, even if it means they are the same 5 every day! So for your DS I would give a banana, an apple, a portion of either beans or pasta sauce, a fruit juice or smoothie and one other fruit/ veg if possible? Cucumber/ carrots are winners here plus berries/ mango sticks.

My son is about the same age and eats a very similar diet- chips, cereal and crackers are his favourite, and he views vegetables with suspicion.
I've no reason to think he is autistic. Ever since he went to a playgroup he has been getting constant colds too.
My theory is at least my son is eating and I don't think forcing a child to eat something he doesn't want to is helpful. I do try and persuade him to eat vegetables and sometimes he will but its not like I can force him to swallow some lettuce.

I'm not sure if you should bring it up in a but you fed him chocolate biscuits a few weeks ago, but if your husband is concerned maybe suggest he can start cooking some healthy meals that your son would like? He could get more involved.

I wouldn't worry about what happened a few weeks ago, but if DH wants to try and change DS's diet going fwd, he'll obv need to be consistent.

...and while you'll be supportive up to a point, it will need to be DH doing it, not you. Suggest he tries a week and you/he can have another conversation about it at the weekend once he has a better idea what he's letting himself in for.

YANBU

2 colds and norovirus in 6 months sounds pretty much par for the course for a 3YO at nursery. They are little petri dishes for bugs at that age.

Forcing your DS to eat vegetables isn't going to work, if anything, it will make things worse.

As a parent of a now adult with ARFID/ASD, I would suggest that it is probably better for your DS to have spag bol/pasta bake/sausage and beans every day, if that is the only way to get him to eat vegetables (beans count as 1 of your 5 a day), than having beige food and no vegetables on some days for the sake of "variety". Save the nuggets and chips for weekend lunches but don't cut them out altogether, don't ever do anything that restricts things further!

You used to be able to buy "baked bean sauce" for vegetables. I don't think it exists any more but there are copycat recipes online. You could try making bean sized vegetables (sweetcorn, peas, chopped carrot/swede/parsnip/butternut squash/sweet potato are probably the most easily acceptable) in copycat sauce or just tomatoes and garlic (whatever goes in your pasta sauces). That won't help if he has texture issues but might help if it is about taste.