To end my marriage?

[ldnirish]

Shamelessly posting for traffic since it's 3am on a Monday morning and I've had the sudden realisation that I don't think I love my husband anymore.

I just don't like the way he treats me. What's triggered this feeling tonight, is when I asked if he would get milk for DS as he was being clingy to me and I know he would have cried/screamed if I left to get it. He muttered something nasty under his breath and is just so horrible at night time it makes me want to cry and it crushes me. This is a silly example but not an isolated one.

It doesn't get a whole lot better during the day. I can't have a serious conversation with him about anything, he thinks everything is a joke and says things that are borderline rude/controversial and then laughs them off when I challenge him on it.

I just don't think I like him as a person anymore. I have been through a lot of therapy in the last few months (at his request) and I feel like it has changed me into more confident and self aware person. The problem is that I am becoming aware of the fact that my husband is an adult man-child with no real desire to improve his career, learn to deal with his emotions or accept constructive criticism to enable him to be a better husband, friend and father.

I have asked him to consider change since I'm working on myself and feel like a happier, more emotionally stable person. He regularly says "Why would I try harder? I've got you now" (ie the ring is on my finger)

To not dripfeed, there is some history with drink and drugs in the past and I think that he is genetically prone to having a bad relationship with alcohol. Refuses to accept that perhaps he does, even though he binge drinks, only drinks to get drunk, and still doesn't know his limits. Has also made some foolish decisions when drinking, once involving our newborn, so since then I've not trusted him fully if he's drinking around our son.

I've also had issues in my past with a bad childhood, and I'm very conscious that I don't want my bad emotional habits to be transferred onto my son, hence all the work I am putting into myself. Increasingly getting frustrated with how my husband is parenting our son. Constantly disagrees with my gentle parenting style, says I'm being soft and that our son will never learn if I always treat him so kindly. He will snap at him and inside I cringe because he is trying to treat our 2.5 year old like an adult (or at least like an older child who is more aware of their decisions/feelings/emotions)

I've also always had issues with my appearance and weight (which in the past he has commented negatively on). After 3 decades on this planet, I am at peace with who I am, and even though I am the heaviest I've ever been, I'm very content and know that I can control whether I want to lose weight and when I do, it will be for myself and not for my husband/to fit into society's norms.

Is there a way to get the love/trust back if you just don't feel it anymore? Is marriage counseling helpful or does it generally signify the end? Do I deserve to be happy or should I just grin and bear it? Thanks if you have made it this far.

You don't need permission to end your marriage. He treats you terribly and is now doing the same to your DC.
No, you can't "get love and trust" back with this nasty man.
And yes, you absolutely do deserve to be happy. And so does your DC.

When someone tells you who and what they are - believe them.
"Why would I try harder? I've got you now" (ie the ring is on my finger).

He is content with the way things are. He will not change. You are not content with the way things are. You want him to change. You cannot make him want to change. You can make changes for yourself and your DS. Pack up and leave.

I think you already know what you need to do, and I fully agree given what you've said.

It doesn't sound like staying will give ds a safe happy home, which is the most important thing. As unfair as it is, it falls to you to make sure that happens

To answer some of the questions you've asked - yes, marriage counseling can be helpful for some couples and no, it doesn't always signifily the end. But that doesn't really matter here. Marriage counseling isn't going to make you like your husband if you actually have decent reasons for disliking him.

This isn't an issue with communication or a temporary strain/drifting apart due to the arrival of a new baby. It sounds as if you've woken up to the fact that your DH isn't someone you want to be married to and parent with.

It's up to you what you do from here but please keep in mind that if you aren't happy and you want to leave him, you really don't need anyone's permission or some justification. It's your decision.

The hardest part is often beginning the separation and having the guts to go through with it. Afterwards you’ll feel glad you did it. Best of luck!

Well done for getting therapy, and for realising you deserve to be happy and are being treated with contempt. You’re done with him and can’t unsee what you’ve seen, all that’s left now is courage and planning. You can do it.

You don’t need us to ‘allow’ you or tell you you’d be doing the right thing. The bloke sounds unpleasant: why would you stay with him? Purely based on the way he treats your dc, I’d want out. Equally, you deserve more.

Of course you deserve to be happy! "Grin and bear it" is for when you have to put up with the annoying neighbour who wants to tell you about their drainage problems or for the queues at the supermarket, not for a miserable marriage!

You know what you need to do. Counselling isn't a personality transplant.

You sound like you are doing a lot to make sure you're a good parent, and he's doing nothing/ actively being a hindrance, not just to parenting well but to your happiness.

As others have said, you don't need permission, you can just leave/ask him to leave. Being married doesn't mean you have to stay with someone you don't love/like, irrespective of what he's saying about the ring on his finger.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

You are all right in saying that I don't need permission. I think that I've feel so blindsided until now, that I just want to check that I'm not being dramatic or overreacting?! Which, when I think about it, is essentially gaslighting myself, probably because I've been gaslit by my husband for a very long time now!

Just because I am curious (and hoping for a similar story), has anyone found a way back to loving a person when they really thought it was all gone?

In my case, no. Once the respect is gone, the trust is gone. I remember splitting up once and really wishing he would change his mind but he showed he did not respect me and it was all on him. I remembered that I can be happy and single and will be again so I worked on myself and what I had to do - took a few weeks but realised if he changed his mind I would say no since he did nothing to fix the problems he had before we split up and still had after.