To ask for your help

[danorak]

I'm struggling. I'm facing court, both criminal (I have reported a rape and domestic abuse) and family (abusive, narcissist ex wants unsupervised contact with DC but there are safeguarding issues).

I'm really drowning. I feel like I can't breathe until after 5pm when I know I'll hear no more from solicitors, police, various services etc. and it's impacting my enjoyment of my time with DC. I'm scared to look at my emails and I get a hideous anxious knot in my stomach when I see one from my solicitor. I spend loads of time researching outcomes, will there be enough evidence, will he throw bullshit allegations out there in family court, will I have to be cross examined about rape, what have other people experienced in X, Y and Z scenarios (usually overwhelmingly negative and makes me more scared).

I need to find some strength as the worry and anxiety is ruining each day I have with my precious DC as I'm just not fully present and feel sick most of the time.

Please can I have your very best tips as to how you stop worrying (as I know it won't change the outcome and I do have a good legal team), ease anxiety in these situations and try to be present rather than overthinking/ruminating etc.? I really need your suggestions fellow MNers.

I'd contact woman's aid if you haven't already. They did provide support with court cases in my local one. Including how to stand powerfully when giving evidence. The course I did with them (recovery tool kit) has a big bit on getting rid of automatic negative thoughts. I know how awful court cases feel and I really hope yours goes well for you and is over quickly.

Sorry to hear you have so much going on. For me, alcohol and caffeine make my anxiety much worse so if you have these maybe try reducing them. Also try something like the Calm app- it's about £25 a year to sign up but there is lots to access on there that could help you to relax including stories to help you get to sleep. Talking to others may help- either friends or a counsellor if you could afford it. Good luck with everything

Thank you @ThackeryBinks, I hope so too, but knowing my ex as I do I'm not sure it will and rather expect to go through the mill! I have been in touch with women's aid a couple of times and am now thinking of doing the freedom programme. Didn't know about this course or the court skills one so I'll definitely be asking about that! Might ring them tomorrow and see if my local branch offers if, thank you.

@madamegazelle1 thank you. I'm doing dry January but could definitely cut back on caffeine. I'll try the Calm app, I've heard of it before I think, thank you. I don't think with all the legal costs etc. I can do counselling yet (and also feel like I couldn't anyway because I don't want to give ex any ammunition to say I'm mentally unstable or some other rubbish he'll likely concoct!)

Counting silently while slowing your breathing helps. If you're very distressed but need to sleep, try and visualise a scene like a calm forest or beach and focus on it.

Reduce your time when you allow yourself to deal with the emails or the case. Put it into one hour, at a certain time. Ask people on the phone to put things in an email.

I know it's hard, but having your own 'admin hours' is a start to getting some headspace.

I do recommend exercise for helping bring you into the 'now'