To track down child's father for CMS

[Esunabromano]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. So I was seeing someone for a few months, knew him for over a year prior but we were both in short lived relationships/dating at different times so broke off any interaction during that time and then came back together once we were both available. I am now pregnant with his child (totally unplanned). I was clear from the very first day I met him that I didn't want children & that that wouldn't change. He already has 2 from a previous marriage and at the time was open to more with the right woman.

Fast forward to when we finally got together he decided that he didn't want any more children, fine by me! We had unprotected sex (we were using condoms as I had been on the pill for over 10 years due to terrible periods that incapacitated me for 3 days and after so long they were proving ineffective and causing unwanted side effects) one night which we both agreed was very irresponsible but put it down to being in the moment etc.

The next day I totally forgot to take the morning after pill as I had a lot on my plate - visiting and helping out a sick relative who had recently come out of a coma so I took it first thing next morning. All was forgotten about and I was pms'ing around time of period so thought we had the all clear. Nope! I missed my period by a few days, took a test at 4 in the morning just to rule it out and it was positive.

Guy I was seeing birthday was coming up in a week or so so I said I'd tell him after, I wouldn't want to ruin his birthday or anything. A day or 2 after he came round I told him, he didn't take it well & was speechless for a bit. I told him I already know I'll be doing this on my own as he doesn't want any more children & I can't go through with an abortion. First he tried to persuade me to get one by telling me he knows many women who have had one and feel fine about it, then said he'd be there for me during the pregnancy as no woman should have to go through it alone and he'd never do that to me, to "I'm sorry, I'm not being funny but I barely know you & I don't want anything to do with this baby". He also said he couldn't understand why I wasn't on birth control if I didn't want something like this to happen & thought I'd be more responsible and pro active if I didn't want to get pregnant. As I mentioned above I told him about the contraception situation way before we started having sex and we both agreed that it would have to be condoms. He wasn't particularly jumping for joy about it but it was no longer working for me & my body needed a break from all of the hormones.

He came around again the next evening to pick up his watch that he must have taken off and forgotten during his pacing and we ended up speaking some more. He was silent for a while and then came the shocker, he said "The more I think about this, the more I feel like you trapped me". I couldn't believe it, all I could say was What???!!! Then he was coming up with all the reasons why he thought such bull. Once I came to I shut it down completely and told him that if he was going to speak utter crap to me to not speak at all. We both had equal parts to play in making this baby. I did not tie him up and force myself on him, neither did I poke holes in his condoms & further more he's the one who would slip it inside me unprotected after the first incident because 'it just felt too good' even when I told him to stop and put one on.
Just before he left he gave me a hug & apologised for blaming me but then proceeded to send me a message maybe a couple of days later informing me that he has spoken to his family about it & his mum & sisters feel the same way- I trapped him, why wouldn't I take better care not to get pregnant & they don't understand why I would want to be a single parent.

We spoke sporadically via text from then on, him swearing he'd take on the responsibility (financially) but he wants nothing to do with the child over and over & his conflictions- the feelings he has for me vs this child ruining everything. Part of a text he sent me- You used to make me so happy and now every time I think about you it's depressing. How nice!
I made it clear we were no longer a thing & that I'd be in touch when things were needed.
I had my first midwives appt coming up so asked him questions I thought they may ask about his side of family, he replied and then asked for due date. I thought they would confirm that in first appointment so gave him round about date but said I'll give more accurate one after appt. Turns out they don't even test for pregnancy then so I just gave him date nhs website provided me with. He proceeded to block me the next day & I have also learnt that he has removed his most current job title off of LinkedIn. Presumably foreseeing me possibly tracking him down for CMS that way.

So question- would I be unreasonable to try and track him down for CMS once baby arrives. This child is his responsibility just as much as it is mine, even if he will only be providing financial care or do I just leave him to get on with his life and get on with mine & this new baby as best as I can. I'm not alone- I have a very supportive mum and once I get round to telling others they will no doubt support me too. I do not expect family or friends to help financially- this is my responsibility & the father's but for emotional support I know I can count on them.

I never ever thought this would be my life but now I have to deal with it. It still hasn't fully sank in to be honest & it's very lonely having no one else to go through this with.

Sorry it ended up being such a long read but would appreciate any advice and maybe from people who have been in same/similar situation?

Thanks for the input everyone. I don't know how to @ people so will just respond to everything here.
I will try and track him down solely for the baby as s/he has a right to the money. I want absolutely nothing to do with him. No, I am not loaded so a contribution from him will help. He is already paying for the 2 children he has now, however, so guessing it won't be a lot & part of the reason he is dodging his responsibility. Maybe I'll be able to get by on my salary/savings and can put the CMs money down towards baby's future.
I am 11 weeks today- he's made it clear he's not interested however if he does try to get back in touch it will be with heavy stipulations. I won't allow my child to be messed about.

It's been hard but not because of him, I see him for who he is and move on. More getting my head around having a child- I swore I didn't want any and would be having them. Also how is it going to affect them growing up without a father. You want to be the best you can be for your children but there is only so much a single parent can do. What if they blame me for not having a dad when they grow up? What if I continue the mistakes my parents made?
It's a lot to process!

Thanks again guys x

He might only have to pay as little as £7 a week.
Is it worth it?

You've had some incorrect advice on here.

Payment of CM and contact are totally separate issues. Dads can not pay child maintenance and still get contact. Non-payment wouldn't affect how much contact is awarded either.

He doesn't need to be on the birth certificate to claim CM. If he wanted to get out of paying CM then he'd have to do a DNA to prove that he wasn't the Dad. Getting added to a birth certificate is also straight forward if he's the dad. Unmarried dads can only be on the birth certificate if they go to the registration appointment with mum.

I think that you should put a CM claim in because your child deserves it and you don't know what lies ahead. He is financially responsible for the baby

As for the stuff about contraception, him blaming you is terrible. He made certain decisions and knew what the score was with regards to contraception. If he really doesn't want a child then he should have had a vasectomy.

Congratulations and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy OP and don't hesitate to post for support. There's a Lone Parents forum if your questions about the lone parenting aspect

Someone who definitely doesn't want kids doesn't just forget to take the morning after pill

But having said that, the baby deserves financial support from l both parents, so you should claim it.

We aren’t saying that him paying CM means contact.

It’s just that he could think well if I’m paying CM then I want the baby to have my surname/be on the BC/have parental rights etc etc and then he could make life difficult down the road when it comes to decisions regarding the child.

Of course he can do all the above without paying CM but if he is as petty as you say, he may think that if he’s paying, he should get something out of it.

For a paltry amount per week, I would think losing contact with him would be a better choice.

He is in a good job with a decent salary so doubt it would only be £7. I read that's for people on JSA etc.

Thanks cherryonthecakes, I'll take a deeper look into it soon and definitely check out the lone parents forum.

SusPasos- thanks for the unhelpful, unnecessary commentary. I said I was looking after a family member who had just come out of hospital. They were in a coma for months & unable to look after themselves, so I couldn't get away and in the midst of doing everything it slipped my mind.
Anyway after some research I found out that the morning after pill doesn't work during ovulation & turns out I was right in the middle of it so this would have been the outcome whether I remembered to take it day one or not.

He sounds deeply unpleasant but that’s no reason why he should not pay maintenance for his child. The money is his contribution for the child’s living expenses, why would anyone think the child doesn’t deserve it?

If a father is not named on the birth certificate,they have no legal rights regarding their child. However, the father can enter into a Parental Responsibility Agreement with the mother, which would give the father the same rights as the mother, or the father can apply to court for a Parental Responsibility Order.

You must make sure your children are financially supported, whether you have parental responsibility or not.

2 excerpts from Gov.uk & Frettens.co.uk

He told me countless times that he wants nothing to do with the child. Even when it didn't fit into the conversation he would find a way to put it in there, just in case I didn't hear him the last 100 times. Blocking me put the final nail in the coffin so I doubt he will try and come back but if he does I'd really like to see him try and throw his weight around. No way is this child having the surname of someone who wanted them aborted & abandoned them before they were even born & he will not try and dictate to me how this child is raised.
If push comes to shove I will go it alone but for now I'll do what I can to get the financial support from him.

@RunningFromInsanity

We aren’t saying that him paying CM means contact.

It’s just that he could think well if I’m paying CM then I want the baby to have my surname/be on the BC/have parental rights etc etc and then he could make life difficult down the road when it comes to decisions regarding the child.

Of course he can do all the above without paying CM but if he is as petty as you say, he may think that if he’s paying, he should get something out of it.

For a paltry amount per week, I would think losing contact with him would be a better choice.

Being added to a birth certificate is a matter of paying some money and filling in a form.

Surname can't be changed without OP's permission. Child could change it at age 16 but when OP registers the child then the surname will be up to her.

Not taking his money is no insurance against no child contact. The dad could decide in 5 years time that he wants contact and he'd get supervised contact which would eventually become unsupervised.

OP - if you'd like to move closer to family or parents then you might want to start making plans now. Once the baby is born, dad can use the legal process to stop a move. It's not guaranteed that he can stop you moving but you might want to avert that possibility. I'm not saying this because I'm trying to stop child seeing dad because I don't know how far away your family lives and what the costs of housing in the 2 areas might be

As I’ve said, I know it’s no guarantee BUT from how you’ve described him, he seems like the sort of man that will think because he is being made to pay for something, he will think he deserves to be involved and make the decisions. Which can make life complicated for you in the future.

See the millions of threads about people not being able to move house, school etc.

💯 put a claim in fir CMA. This will help make your life easier and even if you didn’t want it pop it an account for your child. Similar happened to me many moons ago…. I put the money in an account. When my son turned 17 it paid for his driving lessons, insurance and car. There was even enough to blow on PS4 and Smart TV when he was 18 and paid his first year of student accommodation in uni. It was sad that his father wasn’t part of it. But I said to him I’ve always made him pay so it could make life a little easier a long the way.

Yeah don’t put him on the birth certificate as he would have equal parental rights. But you can still chase him for CSA though you would have to do a DNA to establish paternity. If he refuses, they would presume he is the father anyway.
Your baby will be fine with just you and your family but keep him away. He is very ambivalent towards you. Let him get on with his own life. Show your a strong and capable Mum and when he see his beautiful new bouncing baby, he might just change his mind and become a family with you.