Friend's depression

[anicehotsoakinthebath]

One of my oldest friends (have known her since we were 16, now in early 40s) has struggled with bouts of depression for most of the time I've known her. When having a depressive episode, she simply 'disappears' off the social radar for months, sometimes years on end. Longest she's disappeared for is almost 4 years.
Nearly missed my wedding as she'd not been opening mail (sent invite), not been on SM, not been reading text messages, not answering phone calls etc. In the end I went and put a note through her door (lives with her parents), saying please contact me urgently. Only then did she find out about my wedding (really wanted her there).
She came along. This was 4 years ago.
Saw her a couple of times after the wedding then disappeared again.
Feeling a little hurt because last week I had a milestone birthday and didn't even get so much as a text or card from her. Nothing.
I've always gone out of my way to remember her birthday.
Feel like I'm chasing so much just trying to keep the friendship alive.
Worried about her MH but she won't go to GP or even consider any medication, treatment etc. Spends her time at home in her bedroom. Lives with parents. They don't seem to encourage her to get better or embrace life.
Should I back off and stop contacting my friend? I love her dearly but frustrated as don't like to keep chasing.

Is it worth talking to her parents? I don’t think you are unreasonable at all, this is a tough friendship to maintain completely on your own. You wouldn’t cause any extra mental health problems to tell your friend how you are feeling either. Just being honest with them might help everyone involved.

Nah I couldn’t be bothered with that. The friendship is all on her terms. Completely one sided.

That doesn't sound like much of a friendship at all tbh. You are doing all the chasing, and that is not what a friendship should be about.

If she's that badly depressed I'm not surprised she missed your birthday. She's probably beating herself up for it.

She sounds really very ill with parents who aren't helping?

I don't know I'm getting a weird feeling from this thread to be honest.

OP it does come across a bit like you are more worried about yourself than your friend. I apologise if this is wrong but it's just not really about your friend.

She almost missed your wedding and was incommunicado for an extended period of time - so much so that you had to ask her to get in touch urgently, which she did so she must care about you - to ensure she made it as a guest. But there's not a lot of chat about how she actually was beyond that.

Do you actually think she is depressed or do you think she is 'putting it on' for all intents and purposes? Because I guess if you think she's putting it on then the friendship is dead anyway.

Depression can be sp bad that it makes you literally dead to the world. Sounds like her parents aren't equipped to help her either.

I love that you care enough to post about it and it sounds like she cares about you.

I get that you feel it's one sided but maybe you might be the right person to help her. Please don't lose patience just yet...give her one more try.

If you love her.

X

You sound like are very caring friend and a kind person. I would not necessarily keep chasing, but I would keep the lines of communication open by checking in with her from
time to time and would welcome her back when she does get in touch again. She is clearly very depressed. Don’t be hurt. For
someone who is struggling like that, she probably is not in the place to even register your birthday or it’s importance, etc. I am sure it’s not personal. Yes, you could cut her loose. I am sure that is what most of her friends have done and she is probably very alone. But if you still care about her and you are still in a position to keep in touch, then don’t cut her loose.

@TheGrinchsDog

I don't know I'm getting a weird feeling from this thread to be honest.

OP it does come across a bit like you are more worried about yourself than your friend. I apologise if this is wrong but it's just not really about your friend.

She almost missed your wedding and was incommunicado for an extended period of time - so much so that you had to ask her to get in touch urgently, which she did so she must care about you - to ensure she made it as a guest. But there's not a lot of chat about how she actually was beyond that.

Do you actually think she is depressed or do you think she is 'putting it on' for all intents and purposes? Because I guess if you think she's putting it on then the friendship is dead anyway.

Sorry if my post gave you a weird feeling. I didn't mean to come across as selfish or make it about me. The part about almost missing my wedding was the catalyst to realise something might be very wrong with my friend because she played an instrumental part in bring my DH and I together in the first time. That's why it was so important for her to be there and share our special day. I'm not worried about myself (my life is very fulfulled, I'm happily married, have a successful career and beautiful home as well as other nice things). No health problems. No money trouble. Life for me is good. I'm more concerned about my friend and worry that life is passing her by. Almost she'll be 43 next month and still lives with parents. Never had a proper job, no money and no relationship (that's part of what depresses her, wanted to have kids but never met the right person). Other friends and I have been trying for years to include in things, like events and outings where she gets to see more than the 4 walls of her bedroom. Weren't doing it for ourselves, were doing it to try encouraging her to embrace life.

I have friends who are very sad about shit in their lives that they could control, to some extent. Bad relationships, jobs, health, living situations. Personally I listen to them, I love them, I don’t try and fix it. If you’re finding the friendship too hard then you’re well within your rights to walk away but if anything is going to change it’s up to her and staging some sort of intervention isn’t going to work.

When suffering really badly from depression in the past, I have gone through periods of not replying to messages from friends - it felt too overwhelming to interact with them when I was so utterly miserable, and I just couldn’t face it. In turn, I then felt even worse about not feeling able to reply, which resulted in me feeling sick and anxious every time my phone buzzed.

The thing is, I did still really care about the people who were trying to contact me, and when feeling better, really appreciated that they had kept trying. The trouble with depression is that it is all consuming when you are in the thick of it, which can make you act very selfishly.

Having said that, I did actively seek treatment, which was the only thing that helped me to climb out of that hole. Even then though, I still had to fight against the instinct to withdraw into myself if I ever went through a bad period.

So basically, I understand how your friend might be feeling, and wanted to provide an idea of her perspective. I also think she probably still cares about you, since she made the effort to go to your wedding in the end.

But if you feel depleted from having to chase her all the time, then backing off for your own well-being (or just because you’ve gotten sick of it!) is totally understandable.

It’s very sad but you need to let go now. That doesn’t mean you can’t email or text once in a while - even if she doesn’t reply - but in terms of your own expectations and needs, you need to shift into a mode which accepts she can’t be the friend you want and miss.

@anicehotsoakinthebath Yes that's what I'm trying to say, I understand why it was so important to have her at your special day. I would have felt it was missing something if my best friend hadn't been able to make it.

However you realised how bad it was but it was still really important to you that she came and she did bless her. It was probably important to her too but what I'm meaning is it was more important to you because it was your wedding.

I agree with the PP that you trying to keep in touch and just listen will possibly be less stressful than you trying to cheer her up and take her out places. When I was at my most depressed the thought of going out was overwhelming, although I would have dragged myself out of bed and made the effort for a friend if they were insistent. Internally I'd be hating every minute and hating myself for not being able to enjoy it and then I'd have gone home and cried for the rest of the day.

Depression is a horribly selfish illness because when you are in that darkest of holes you aren't really able to engage in other peoples lives, and you so want to! So it's cyclic. You feel depressed, your friend gets in touch and you feel worse for being a downer/not being able to reply promptly etc etc etc.

I think you need to manage your expectations on what she will be able to do and agree with the PPs that say if you can, please keep in contact even if you don't have much if any of a response. If you have time and you feel you are able to do it without feeling rejected or frustrated maybe you could try and help her arrange some help for herself. Things like Drs appointments or helping find a therapist?

Be careful not to give to much of yourself and also be careful you don't end up taking over. One of the things I struggled with was when people tried to be overly helpful and do small jobs around the house for me - it came from a really lovely place but made me feel worse because I couldn't even get the opportunity to do small things for myself when I felt able. So as it's important to ask if she wants help as it is to know when she is saying no because she feels like a burden.

FWIW don't beat yourself up about the wedding, in all honesty I expect she's actually really happy you chased her up and she did go. I'd have beat myself up forevermore if my depression made me miss a dear friends wedding.

I was just trying to point out that I think a perspective shift might be useful when it comes to your friend. I wasn't trying to be mean or mar your memories of your wedding in any way and on reading it back I just wanted to clarify that.