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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I’m on the edge of a breakdown and noone cares

20 replies

Slavetolove · 16/01/2022 19:24

My dad died 3 months ago. My mum died when I was 19. I’m 31 and I also have no grandparents or aunties and uncles. I have 2 sisters and a brother but they are much older and have their own lives.

I’m married with 3 kids. I have Borderline personality disorder.

I’m really really struggling. I have never felt so unloved and unsupported. I feel like my husband thinks I should be over his death when actually it’s only just started to hit me. The day after he died I was in a foul mood and he said “do you think this gives you the right to be a bitch”.

I’m fed up of being a parent. My kids are 14, 12 and 5. I’m fed up of having to put everyone else first and not have time to grieve/find myself/have a breakdown.

I just want to shut myself away but also want to be hugged. I’m barely hugged. Or kissed. We have had sex less than 5 times in 2 years.
I can’t leave. I know my kids wouldn’t come with me.
I feel like I’m not myself. I feel so depressed and fed up. I just want to run away for abit. To process things.

I tried talking to my husband tonight but he told me everyone doesn’t like me because I’m nasty and lazy. I’m never normally like this but I have no motivation or energy to do anything. When I was crying and my youngest asked if I was ok he told her I was mental.

He was never like this. Two years ago I would have said he was my soul mate and my mum sent him to me. Now I don’t know who he is.

I feel so unloved, unwanted and alone.

OP posts:

PlacidPenelope · 16/01/2022 19:32

You have not grieved properly and that coupled with your BPD is pushing you to the brink, you need professional help to address this, please contact your GP first thing tomorrow to access the help and support you need.

You can't deal with this alone and clearly your husband is not willing or able to provide any help which is worsening the situation.

MarionForCampLeader · 16/01/2022 19:32

Oh @Slavetolove you sound so sad I wish I knew something wonderful to say, but I dont as I am struggling somewhat myself. What I will say is that I am so very sorry for your losses, and I actually think your husband is being out of order somewhat. Please be kind to yourself

StoneofDestiny · 16/01/2022 19:33

Get an appointment with your GP and get a referral to a mental health professional. You are carrying too much inside and it's difficult to get perspective on your situation. On the face of it your DH sounds an obnoxious bully, but it must be difficult to see things clearly when you are so overwhelmed already. Get the help you need for you then you will have the strength to assess exactly what you want to do next.

Branleuse · 16/01/2022 19:34

Im so sorry for everything youre going through.
Your husband is being cruel. Im not surprised youre on the edge.
Do you have medication that helps the BPD?
Do you have any means to take a break by yourself. Maybe by the sea to just breathe and get away from the stress x

Yuleniquealast · 16/01/2022 19:37

Be kind to yourself. I'm so sorry for your loss. It does sound like you need professional help so do reach out to your GP as soon as they open.

Who are you closest to among your siblings? They may have their own lives but that doesn't mean they wouldn't want to know and help their little sister.

Original poster

Slavetolove · 17/01/2022 07:30

My husband has just came home from a night shift in a mood. I asked him what’s wrong and he said “did you actually do anything last night?” As in the housework.

My plan was to get it all done today while he was asleep and the kids were at school..

OP posts:

Vallmo47 · 17/01/2022 07:39

OP, I’m not going to comment on your husband’s behaviour, it might well be that he’s going through things himself and is struggling to cope with how unwell you are. The one thing I will say is that he needs support with the children if he’s so frustrated with situation he’s calling their mum “mental” to their face. Those poor children, they should never ever have to hear such things.

I’ve been through some very dark times with my
mental health, times I couldn’t control my own mind and had to go away to protect my family. That’s okay, we all need help at times. But you need to contact your GP and tell them exactly what you have here. You can get through this, it will take time and you need to be completely honest with professionals. Don’t be ashamed to do so, they’ve heard it all multiple times. Seek that help for your children and yourself and eventually life will get back on track.

Alayalaya · 17/01/2022 07:45

Some people such as your husband are fair weather friends. When everything is happy and easy they’re fun to be with and you get on. But when things get difficult they aren’t kind or supportive, they’re just nasty because they don’t want to make the effort to support you. You see their true colours. Unfortunately you’ve probably already committed to them by that point and can’t just dump them for being unsupportive. Your husband sounds awful and someone who loved you wouldn’t treat you like that. However as you said, you’re trapped with him because of the kids. Your best solution is just to disconnect from him, live under the same roof but ignore and avoid him.

StopStartStop · 17/01/2022 07:52

Tell your GP. Ask for talking therapy, as an urgent case, not waiting eighteen months. You can do it by phone or online and it still works.

Your situation is too much for anyone to bear without support. You are absolutely reasonable to have realised that.

In your favour, you are 31 and have three children. You are young. You can quietly improve your life while you're young enough to really enjoy it.

Mentally, step back from your dh's behaviour and look at it as an outside observer would. You don't have to do anything about it or try to get him to change, just observe and make decisions about your own life based on what you see.

Original poster

Slavetolove · 17/01/2022 10:39

Thank you all.

I am on medication for my bpd but have missed a few days here and there which doesn’t help. I start counselling on Wednesday which I’m so nervous about. I see a psychiatrist but only once every 6 months.

OP posts:

Goldentimes · 17/01/2022 10:46

Keep taking your meds. Missing doses is only going to make you feel far worse x

DavetheCat2001 · 17/01/2022 10:52

Your husband sounds like a total arsehole.

SlashBeef · 17/01/2022 10:54

You need to take your meds consistently. Set a reminder on your phone and take them every single day, religiously.
Be very honest in your counselling session so they can help you properly.

Croissantly · 17/01/2022 10:55

Make sure you don't miss days with your medication, set an alarm on your phone if need be, that won't be helping. That's really good that you start counselling soon, yes it will be hard but it's also an amazing opportunity, you can do this! Also do contact your GP if needed. Your DH may be struggling but that doesn't excuse him talking to you like that, you deserve better.

aweebitlost · 17/01/2022 11:38

I know what it’s like to be orphaned as a relatively young adult. It’s awful. For me, that was without underlying mental health issues, kids to take care of and an awful sounding DH. I’m not surprised you want to run away for a bit - and I wonder, is there any way that you can do that? If your DH won’t look after the kids alone would one of your siblings? I know if my brother was struggling I would have his kids to stay in a heartbeat.

I also want to gently say that you deserve much, much better than this marriage, but also completely understand that leaving your husband would take way more headspace and energy than you have right now.

LightSpeeds · 17/01/2022 11:43

I care about you... xx

Keepitonthedownlow · 17/01/2022 11:47

You have been through so much OP and you'll get through this. Can your DH take over the running of the home etc for a while? Can you get a week away to yourself to rest? Nothing is going to change overnight but you sounds ground down by grief and pressure.

unluckyinlife · 17/01/2022 11:51

Sending you lots of love and hugs.

I suffer with MH issues and I have come to the realisation when improperly controlled I am an awful 'lazy' person.

My husband used to be a bit like yours however after I saw the Dr and restarted Mt medication and was more 'level' he realised it was my illness and not be being intentionally awful to be around.

Now if I get like it, we talk about it calmly and he will say you're acting a little off balance shall we talk about whether you want to visit the Dr or try and ride it out.

He is more understanding as a result.

After what you've been through it is only natural for things to be off balance. Maybe a trip to the GP is in order just to check on medication levels?

When you're in a hole, it's so difficult to see things improving. Even just a chat with your GP might be useful.

I hope you start feeling more yourself soon xx

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 17/01/2022 11:56

You need help. Go to the GP, call Mind. Ignore your hubby for now, not easy when you have bpd, deal with one thing at a time.

Vallmo47 · 18/01/2022 18:51

I’m glad you’re getting some support OP but you need to stress just how bad it is so they truly understand the situation. Take care x

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