To not want DD to quit.

[boeballs]

8 year old DD just seems very down on herself about everything. It’s heartbreaking. Today she said she did not want to try to be the library monitor at school because she won’t get it as she never gets anything. I tried explaining it was still worth going for.. despite relating to this sooo much! Now she wants to quit her martial art but I really want her to continue it’s an amazing confidence building sport and gives you so many life skills. Again however I can relate, my own mother forced me to do ballet growing up and it was humiliating week in and week out for me as I was no good at it. Honestly surprising amount of issues just stemming from this! I don’t want the same for my DD but I feel it’s not the same, you don’t have to be talented to progress in this martial art.. and the teacher never ever talks about talent, just how the more you do it the more experienced you get. He is also one of the best adult mentors around and I think he can teach her so much (beyond the sport itself) and I don’t want her to lose that influence in her life. I don’t know what to do. I really think letting her quit is not a good idea.

I had similar issues as a child and my Aunty said that I shouldn't quit on a bad day. Try to encourage her to keep going for a little longer.

Is it possible for you to talk to her teacher about confidence building tasks?

Please read the book on Growth Mindset.

It's a tag on Twitter and elsewhere too.

Many schools teach this. If your doesn't you can really help your daughter by adopting this approach (which has quite some pedigree).

Doesn't sound like it is building her confidence though..
Maybe a break? Is she tired/bored?
I think supporting her choices can be empowering though.

@Yummypumpkin this is fascinating and just perfect thank you

Oh I'm so pleased. It really is lifechanging for kids. I hope she thrives.

It can be hard for kids who feel they are 'never picked' for things as it can really dent their confidence. When I was at school, I was a bright but very quiet child who rarely got chosen for things and it made me feel like I wasn't good enough.

With the martial arts, it can be a brilliant confidence builder (I trained at university) so I can absolutely see why you want her to continue.

Is it worth having a chat with the martial arts instructor? He may be able to help.

My Dad would never let me quit anything without going to the class one last time to tell the teacher I was quitting. Now I am grown I can see that what would happen is that I would go back to class, enjoy it and forget that I wanted to quit.

Don't quit on a bad day.. I love that @absolutehush

Can she pick something else she’d like to do instead? It might not be the MA class it might be the other kids.

How about asking her to pick an activity to swap to?

The deal I strike with DS is that he has to continue at anything for as long as I’ve paid for. For his martial art, that’s a month at a time, or 3 after a new uniform.

It’s very unlikely that this is going to be important in her adult life, so let her trial different things. Developing a habit that it’s not healthy to just do minimal schoolwork then sit at home is helpful. Forcing her to continue an activity she isn’t enjoying, using.

Pick and choose. Ditch the library monitor if it feels like not worth it.
Sport though - make a deal that she needs to stick until the end of term. If she really hates it by then or makes no progress - she can choose another activity.

Yep totally agree with no quitting on a bad day.
And the growth mindset, and resilience will be amazingly helpful for her in her whole life!

Thanks all. really brilliant advice here thank you

@PumpkinPie2016 I think you have just cracked decades worth of mental health issues 😂. Honestly have never felt good enough still struggle with this feeling now, and I never got picked for anything or rarely won anything!! I handle this stuff much better now but it must have in some part stemmed from this.

I would also suggest building some positive rituals around the MA training. For example, maybe you both go to a cafe for a special coffee/hot chocolate before or afterwards (not a reward for doing it, just building positive associations with the training). Also, at home, maybe the night before the lesson or the night after the lesson you ask he to show you what you have learnt. And then praise it loudly, and to the skies. Hopefully she will feel proud of this skill that no one else at home has.

I stopped playing piano in my teens, not because I didn’t enjoy it, but it was a hassle, and I had to leave class to go to the lessons and the piano was in a cold room in our house that meant practicing was horrible. My parents were not musically inclined and didn’t enforce practice the way they did with sport or homework (I don’t think they realised they were supposed too!)

As an adult I have come back to it, and realised that I would have kept going longer with some positive reinforcement. (No blame to my parents btw, this is just what I would have needed in this case).

Interesting abut the growth mindset.

OP, not being given a role is quite demotivating but is it true? Does she really never get picked for a special role or recognition? If so, you need to speak with the teachers so they know that it affects her confidence.

I have 2 dc, one extremely able and very confident in their abilities and one much more reserved and less confident. Throughout primary school it has been dc2 who has been given all the special opportunities. Dc1 has never been selected for any special mention or classroom role. Never. This dented his confidence and made him question herself. Now in secondary, school are happy to praise dc and he is given plenty opportunity to shine. I think primary school thought dc is too big for his boots so kept a lid on his development and opportunities. Dc2 benefits from this teaching approach. I feel rather sorry for dc1 that the teachers were so petty felt they had to keep dc 1 from shining.

Dc1 is the naturally more confident one and primary kept a lid on his opportunities to do special jobs and shine, dc2 less naturally confident is getting all the classroom jobs. It's brilliant for dc2 and was very confusing for dc who felt rejected and I believe it was a rejection. Thankfully secondary isn't so petty and happy to recognise a very able and confident child.

Maybe you should try asking her what activities she wants to do rather than forcing her to do something she is clearly not enjoying?

I think you are pushing too hard...she is a kid and should also be able to be left to enjoy her childhood, not micro-managed and forced to have 'mentors'...

Your intentions might be good but I would take a step back and look at whether you are not repeating the same experience that you had in childhood.

Also look at why her self-confidence isn't great, could she be bullied? or if she simply struggling with the fact that she can't be what you want her to be?

Despite my previous post, I think the advice not to quit on a bad day is spot on.

My daughter lost interest in activities quickly as a young child and we indulged her. I didn’t want to force her to keep going with things if she wasn’t enjoying them, so other than swimming lessons we would let her drop out. Out of the blue, she suddenly said that she feels she wasted her early childhood because she never stuck to anything. All her friends have activities they’re now really good at because they persevered and she doesn’t really have that. I would encourage your daughter to stick with martial arts for now. The instructor sounds lovely and really inclusive.

Does she even want to be a library monitor? Speaking for myself, that would be something I'd never be interested in.
Who picked up the martial arts class?

This reminds me that my sister took my nephew to a psychologist because he wanted to quit judo when young, because it was important that he didn't quit too easily. He had already been doing it for a few years then.
Indeed he later quit and found basketball, which is still his passion to the point of going to the US to play it at University level.

At this age, I think it is important that they try different activities. Or focus more on the fun part, or join her and show her by example.
At some point, DS and I were taking classes on a martial art, one after the other, and we practiced some moves together.

But, why not try a different thing every term for example, until she finds something she's interested in?

I regret wanting and being allowed to quit ballet and tap very easily, due to a fault-finding obsessed mat leave cover teacher and a bad day respectively. I did stick at other things though. Do you know what's driving wanting to leave?

The school issue though; definitely encourage her to try- can you set some personal goals etc for her application and sell it as life skills, if nothing else? Have you looked at what happens at school/how things are run that contribute to how she feels this way? Might be nothing, might be something.