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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU over friendship with male colleague

16 replies

georgiasp · 16/01/2022 17:28

I am a 23 year old single mother with a 4 year old DS. I worked for a small company while studying and I became friends with my 40 year old colleague, let's call him Billy. This all happened last year around springtime but it's kind of just sinking in now.

Billy was in a long term relationship and has 2 children and 2 stepchildren. His children live around 90mins away with his ex wife but stay with him every weekend. We got along well and were both big film buffs so would often chat about things like this as well as the kids. His stepdaughter was 14 so he often asked for advice regarding her.

His partner worked on Saturdays and he said him and his children were extremely bored. He asked if me and DS wanted to go to the park. Our children all played together, perfectly happily. His youngest is a year older than mine and they got along great. Not much had opened due to lockdown so we would sit and chat at the park and bitch about people at work. Due to lockdown and being a young mum I didn't have a huge social circle and I felt like DS missed out as well.

For the record I never, ever felt any kind of 'spark' or romantic interest between us at all. He never made any kind of move and all conversation about his partner was positive apart from him being bored while she was working.

After a few weekends at the park, he asked if we wanted to go for food on the way to taking his children home. He asked infront of DS who desperately wanted to go with his new friends. I agreed and we drove to a restaurant near where his children live and he dropped me and DS off on the way home.

The next day I wake up to a tirade of Facebook messages from his partner. She asks if I have ever met him outside of work. I explained that yes, our children had played together and we went out for food the day before. It never crossed my mind for a second she didn't know. She starts calling me every name under the sun and contacts my employer through Facebook to say I'm having an affair with her partner. She then contacted everyone else in the small department to tell them I'm a homewrecker and have 'ruined four childrens lives'. I was signed off with stress and then found another job.

Billy blocked me the day his partner messaged me but from what I could gather, she saw him send me a random Facebook message and started asking questions weeks before. He obviously lied to her and continued to ask to meet us at the weekend. She ended the relationship and I've heard through third parties she's basically had a complete nervous breakdown as she had mental health issues to begin with.

I'm just sort of coming round to dealing with this now as things were so heated at the time. She messaged my friends and family to 'let them know what sort of person I am' and I ended up deleting Facebook. I've had no contact with Billy since and have never tried to.

Was I completely and utterly naive to assume his partner knew about this (what I thought was) a very innocent platonic friendship?

OP posts:
MrsWooster · 16/01/2022 17:29

It’s not you, it’s her. And him. Mostly him.

VickyEadieofThigh · 16/01/2022 17:31

It's not you, it's him and her. People have work-based friendships and what you did with Billy and the kids is entirely innocent.

Merryoldgoat · 16/01/2022 17:33

You did zero wrong. Zero. Her and him entirely.

Forrandomposts · 16/01/2022 17:34

Good lord I don't know how you didn't lay into her! You did absolutely nothing wrong!

I suspect they had significant trust issues if he's lying to her about a play date in the park.

Laiste · 16/01/2022 17:43

You didn't do anything wrong.

But - i'm going to say it - personally i wouldn't get into regular play date meet ups and going for meals out with a bloke with a partner. I wouldn't get into it because of the risk of exactly what's happened here.

Flowers for what has happened to you. You didn't deserve all that shit.

georgiasp · 16/01/2022 17:45

@Laiste

You didn't do anything wrong.

But - i'm going to say it - personally i wouldn't get into regular play date meet ups and going for meals out with a bloke with a partner. I wouldn't get into it because of the risk of exactly what's happened here.

Flowers for what has happened to you. You didn't deserve all that shit.

I think as well with the age gap it never even crossed my mind that anything was 'going on'! Our only outing was to a kid friendly (think Little Chef) type restaurant and we split the bill 2/3 so we each paid our own share and for our own kids.
OP posts:
georgiasp · 16/01/2022 17:49

@Forrandomposts

Good lord I don't know how you didn't lay into her! You did absolutely nothing wrong!

I suspect they had significant trust issues if he's lying to her about a play date in the park.

I was too stunned! It all happened very quickly.

From what I can gauge, one of his children mentioned me and DS to their mother who phoned Billy's current partner to ask if she knew this other woman had been hanging around. She had already had suspicions we had met outside of work. Due to her mental health issues she suffers from paranoia and I believe he lied to her face and said that it was all in her head.

I don't really understand what his game was when he never ever indicated being interested in me and the conversation never went anywhere close. I never shared anything overly personal with him, I wouldn't say we had a deep connection and he was very much just a mate that didn't mind my DS being around (my friends from my college course aren't so keen).

OP posts:
Tal45 · 16/01/2022 17:52

He was a dick to not tell her what was going on, I certainly wouldn't like my OH meeting up with a single woman half his age at the park/for food behind my back either. She's gone bat shit crazy to blame you though, it's her OH she should be pissed off at for not telling her.

CovidForChristmas · 16/01/2022 17:54

@Laiste

You didn't do anything wrong.

But - i'm going to say it - personally i wouldn't get into regular play date meet ups and going for meals out with a bloke with a partner. I wouldn't get into it because of the risk of exactly what's happened here.

Flowers for what has happened to you. You didn't deserve all that shit.

But that’s like saying I shouldn’t go to the playground after school with my child’s friends because their Dad’s do the pick up.

Or if the kids are hungry when we are walking back, we can’t go and get food together.

It’s a very small existence if you start excluding people that way.

Obviously you did nothing wrong OP. In your shoes I would have corrected his partner and thought about reporting her behaviour as malicious/harassment when she extended her involvement to my workplace and family.

PigeonLittle · 16/01/2022 17:54

Im so sorry, I can only imagine how isolating and stressful this was during an already trying time Wine

Laiste · 16/01/2022 17:56

No i can totally hear your bewilderment coming through your posts OP.

I'm old enough to have a nearly 30 year old daughter and have been around enough to realise how many blokes are NOT just after a bit of innocent companionship even when they pretend that's what's going on.

My rough guess is that this isn't the first time he's not been honest or clear with his partner you were unlucky enough to be in the firing line when the shit hit the fan this time, to speak.

It's not your fault.

georgiasp · 16/01/2022 17:57

@Tal45

He was a dick to not tell her what was going on, I certainly wouldn't like my OH meeting up with a single woman half his age at the park/for food behind my back either. She's gone bat shit crazy to blame you though, it's her OH she should be pissed off at for not telling her.
It honestly never ever crossed my mind that he hadn't told her. He's very lovey dovey on social media, all his profile pictures are of them together, his phone background etc. He posts quite over the top things about how lucky he is to have found the love of his life and how much she inspires him.
OP posts:
Laiste · 16/01/2022 17:59

He's very lovey dovey on social media, all his profile pictures are of them together, his phone background etc. He posts quite over the top things about how lucky he is to have found the love of his life and how much she inspires him.

Yeah. An ''acquaintance'' of our family was like this. And then he started coming on to me Hmm

georgiasp · 16/01/2022 18:01

@Laiste

He's very lovey dovey on social media, all his profile pictures are of them together, his phone background etc. He posts quite over the top things about how lucky he is to have found the love of his life and how much she inspires him.

Yeah. An ''acquaintance'' of our family was like this. And then he started coming on to me Hmm

I know this sounds like I'm defending his behaviour but he was a very timid, shy and quiet guy. Definitely not a 'player' by any means although maybe I don't know the full story. We never talked about relationships.

If he was trying to come onto me he was really playing the long game.

OP posts:
Laiste · 16/01/2022 18:06

CovidForChristmas i agree with you in the circs. you describe.

We all have our fine lines we feel comfortable with though. Mine would be not going on regular weekend outings.

I still say OP didn't do anything wrong though.

Laiste · 16/01/2022 18:08

Well at the end of the day OP you know you were totally innocent in all this and that's what counts. Don't feel guilty.

My other comments are not to make you feel bad. I suppose i'm just trying to say guard yourself Flowers

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