I am struggling to deal with my husband's mental health problems

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Hi all, I posted a few months ago about my husband needing emergency brain surgery and had some complications which have resulted in seemingly chronic pain. Naturally this has been extremely difficult for him to deal with and he has sunk into a deep depression and is suffering from severe anxiety.

His GP has prescribed him a few different anti depressants and anti anxiety meds but nothing seems to help, he is constantly on the edge of a panic attack. He's had therapy and we've downloaded a couple of calm meditation apps which help a bit but he is still basically paralysed by it.

I'm trying to be as supportive as I can, taking on the majority at home and working full time. We talk every day about his mental health and he calls me several times a day during work, due to feeling anxious and needing a chat. Sometimes he wakes me in the middle of the night to discuss his worries and I feel exhausted by constantly having to boost him up.

I've lost my shit at him tonight and I'm sitting in my garden feeling very low. After another hour of him talking about how shit our life is and how he can't see anything positive in our future, I blew up. I screamed at him that I couldn't live like this, feeling like a constant weight around my neck dragging me down. I have no life of my own because if I'm not at work I'm with him at home and I feel so trapped. I'm not proud of what I said, I was incredibly harsh but the resentment has been building up for a while and I lost control. There is back story that I don't want to discuss but suffice to say there are other reasons why I feel (justifiably) resentful of him.

I feel awful and I don't know how to help him, I just feel like his happiness is 100% my responsibility and I'm cracking under the pressure.

That sounds really tough - for both of you

It sounds like he needs to go back to his GP and tell him how bad things are because what’s happening now isn’t sustainable for either of you

Do you have any family or friends who could help support?

This is very sad, but to move forward he should know that his behaviour is having a impact on you.
I do sympathise with him though, but he does need to know the effect this is having on you. You need to discuss the way forward.

That's the thing, he IS aware about how his behaviour affects me and that knowledge just feeds the anxiety even more. He talks about life being easier for me if he wasn't around and how he is such a burden on me. The sad part is that there is a tiny bit of truth to that statement but I can't admit that to him. It's just a vicious cycle and I'm feeling pretty useless as there isn't anything else I can practically do to help him.

He does have family, unfortunately his parents both suffer pretty badly with their own mental health so aren't much help. There is a definite hereditary component that has been exacerbated by circumstances.

He has genuine reasons to feel the way he does, 2021 was a difficult year for our relationship and then he had the traumatic surgery experience to top it off. Covid hasn't helped as he is self employed and his industry has been affected, plus he is unable to work more than part time due to chronic pain and the anxiety.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds really hard. If he isn't already, please work with him to get him into therapy. Medication is great but some of the best tools I have for managing panic and anxiety have come from my therapist.

Sometimes he wakes me in the middle of the night to discuss his worries and I feel exhausted by constantly having to boost him up.

He can stop that straight away. That's terrible to wake someone up to talk!!!
A one off emergency maybe, but to regularly do this is selfish and outrageous.

You'll feel a lot better if you get some sleep and have an off button you can use on him. 'Nope not talking now , just stop.'
It sounds like he's overwhelming you.
Give yourself some space and agree 'stop talking at me' signal with him.

Other PPs are right he needs to go back to GP

I know you must be feeling awful, op, and so must he, but sometimes things have to come to a head in order for there to be any change.

Try not to sink back into the cycle of despair. Use the momentum of your ‘explosion’ to try and effect some changes. Get your dh to go back to the GP. Has he had any counselling/psychotherapy? He could be suffering from PSTD, and you too, come to that. Do you think counselling could help with your feelings? Are there any local support groups for people with chronic pain, and their relatives? It sounds like you could both do with someone/somewhere else you can discuss difficult feelings. You’re the one he offloads to at the moment, to an untenable degree, and you’re storing it all up until you blow.

Is it possible for you to work fewer hours for a period of time to give yourself some space to gather your thoughts? I realise with your dh unable to work much, this might not be feasible. Maybe there would be an option to employ a private ‘companion’, who could come once or twice a week to chat/go out with your dh, anything just to dilute the concentrated outpouring of distress which comes your way.

Could you encourage him to write things down, like a diary, rather than have to contact you/wake you up the minute he thinks of something he has to tell you, especially in the working day, or the middle of the night. If he had something handy, even a tablet or phone, where he could ‘jot down’ his thoughts or things he wanted to discuss, that discussion could take place at a fixed and limited time in the day ‘convenient’ to you. It sounds rather rigid, but you can’t go on like you are without forming some reasonable boundaries for the protection of you both.

For different reasons, I had experience of a long-term, emotionally and mentally draining situation with a close relative, and it really did leave me feeling as though I had been through the wringer, as well as them, and I’m sure you must feel the same. I hope you can find some strategies to reverse the downward spiral, even if slowly. It sounds complicated and exhausting.

He needs a referral to the pain clinic. Have you been in touch with Headway?