To not be able to manage any more than this?

[ImAshamed]

I'm a FTM to a newborn.

I'm back working. It's from home, and flexible enough to be in nap times or at night, but I'm struggling to get more than four hours in a day and I need to be closer to full time for financial reasons right now.

I had a traumatic birth and I'm struggling with that mentally as well as physically. The baby is okay but we're both being reviewed by midwives and health visitors a few times a week, and I'm seeing the GP once a week.

We haven't made it to any baby classes yet - I'm hoping to go to one or two a week. I haven't made it to any NCT meet-ups, I haven't introduced the baby to my friends. I

DH's parents have met the baby three times. They've had endless FaceTimes and photos. I've tried hard to make them feel included. It's never enough. I called yesterday, MIL enjoyed chatting to baby but then ranted for 20 minutes that they haven't seen baby enough and baby won't know who they are. They constantly push to come round, or for us to go to theirs. MIL says she thought we'd "change our minds" about not letting them see the baby daily, even though we spent a long time setting expectations with them... They've just called DH to moan again.

I just don't have the time.

I'm also massively uncomfortable around them. They were overbearing and awful before I was pregnant and it stepped up massively during pregnancy. They topped off a whole load of awkward behaviour (that I've posted about before and had a unanimous YANBU response to) by turning up six times to the hospital when they thought I might be in labour. Coincidentally the last time I was. It wasn't going well and they were awful, they weren't allowed in for Covid but kept pushing and refusing to leave, phoning DH constantly, and he had to leave me to get rid of them before the police were called. It went more wrong while DH was gone dealing with them and I am struggling to forgive them for it. They refuse to apologise and say they wanted to be involved and they were worried (they didn't know it was going wrong, so had nothing to worry about, but it's their standard line when they do something unreasonable). I feel hugely uncomfortable around them, there's no way I could feed in front of them, I have to just sit and breathe through it.

I feel like I should tell DH to take the baby and see them without me but the idea of the baby being away from me is horrendous right now, if I'm honest, and I'm breastfeeding on demand every hour/two hours so we can't really be separated.

I feel like an absolute failure for not being able to do more. AIBU to think I'm maxed out? Seeing them once every week or two feels like too much right now, but I'm giving up the chance to do something I actually want to do to do that. I really don't think I can do any more.

DH says to ignore the nagging but it really gets to me. I cried for two days after we last saw them. It wasn't even a worthwhile visit, they just criticise anything and everything, and refuse to give the baby back because we're spoiling them.

Please be nice - it isn't that I prefer my family, I have none, and loved DHs when they were reasonable. But if I'm spectacularly failing and being unreasonable, I'll try and fix it. If I'm not, I'll try to find a way to ignore the nagging and keep everything else going.

That is really shocking. You poor thing, you must feel awful. They nearly had the police called on them while you were in labour? They pulled your DH out from being with you while you were about to give birth? That's such crazy behaviour. I'd find it very hard to forgive that. Your husband should have switched his phone off, though. Does he struggle with saying no to them?

Do you work for yourself? Is that why you're back working now?

Oh love. You are trying to do too much. Is it imperative that you work? That sounds unsustainable.

DH's parents are DH's problem. Tell him that he can facilitate all phone calls etc. from now on. They sound horrendous. Or do you have a mum or a sister who can read them the riot act?

Congratulations on your new baby

Do you have to work right now. It sounds far too much. A new baby, your health, breastfeeding, hormones, in-laws and work. Something needs to give.

You are not being unreasonable.

Give yourself peace. Let your DH deal with the calls from now on.

They don’t call the shots here. You and your husband do.

It is so tough in the early days with a newborn. I think most of us feel fragile and struggle to keep up with everything. I felt like everything got on top of me so I sympathise. Don't pressure yourself. You need to put down some boundaries with your in laws. YANBU. My pil were similar and really stressed me out, it doesn't get any better unless you assert yourselves. Your DH really needs to have a word with them.

You're the Mum, you say what happens here with regards to visits etc.

Your DH needs to man up and manage his parents' expectations. They've had their time as new parents and need to let you find your routine.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

This is your baby, not theirs.

Seeing them once every 3-4 weeks is lovely, and plenty, no you don't have to see them more often.
You do not need to speak to them every day, and you do not need to have them round for a visit.

Your dh sounds on board - sort of.
I think you need to have a talk with him about him being a barrier for you. Agree when and how much they will be allowed contact.
Then you block them on your phone, or put their number on silent or something and make it so that only he deals with them. As long as he will hold the line, and not allow them more often, let him deal with them.

As to them not giving your baby back when they are there, agree ahead with dh that if they do that, he will step in and take the baby. And that he tells them - do that again and you have to leave.
Feel free to leave the room, and go upstairs to feed (and lock the door so MIL can't walk in)
If you are feeding for an hour of their visit, that is FINE, you have a newborn.

Realistically I think you are being very optimistic to work at all, with a newborn you need to sleep when they sleep, or at least take the time to have a shower etc. Can you take a longer break? Can you stick to just a few hours?

Could you start expressing and let them come round so that YOU can go for a nap. You might end up really appreciating some 'me time'.

I'm shocked that you are even chasing them for a relationship after what they did? They sound completely unhinged and overbearing, why are you pushing for a relationship, bothering with phone calls and updating them? Leave your dh to be doing that, and you don't have to send your baby anywhere to please other people! After the police incident, why are you not standing up to them?

Why are you back working so soon? Can't you take time off? You really can't look after a newborn and work FT: it's not possible.

Your ILs sound impossible (and fucking awful). I'd take a massive step back, say you're overwhelmed, and get your h to take over all comms with them.

Take care of yourself and your baby!

YANBU op . Congratulations on your baby

After the birth, and their disruption requiring the police to intervene, your DH should have drawn a fat red line in the sand and put some firm boundaries in place. Why hasn't he? He is a married man and a father and his first loyalty needs to be to you, and to your child. And his parents should be supporting your relationship not causing problems! Is there some sort of cultural issue at play here? It is totally unfair and wrong that your pils are putting you under such stress and spoiling your enjoyment of your baby.

Please ask your DH to fix this situation op. Make it clear to him that things have to change as a matter of urgency. It's not good enough for him to say "ignore their nagging". This is obviously a serious issue if the police were involved. Why is he dismissing it and your feelings? I hope this thread gives you the support and confidence to put the pressure on your DH. This has to be tackled now as I know from experience of having a massively dominant mil , that it doesn't get better on its own, without some form of firm intervention. And that is your dh's job, not yours!

They sound awful.

Just block and delete them.

Sorry, I mis-read, I see the police were almost called! Apologies!

Why are you, personally, communicating with them at all? After what they've done you should never speak to them again. As usual, you have an even bigger husband problem. Why is he so utterly useless? Get angry and demand he deal with them. Block them from your phone, FFS. They're unhinged.

Is your dh supporting you? I think he needs to properly shield you from their insanity.

I don't blame you for being unable to forgive them, they sound awful! What should have been a happy time for you and your Husband bringing your baby in to the world, they were making about them.

If your DH wants them to see the baby more but you don't want to be around them or away from the baby, would they be able to come round on days your DH is there but say to him they're only to stay an hour, feed baby before they get there and take yourself off for a bath/lie down/read a book etc, have an hour of time to yourself while they're downstairs then after an hour, your DH tells them to leave and brings the baby to you to feed.

On another note, you sound like you're trying to fit so much in - do you need to be back at work, would you be able to take a couple more months off on maternity at all?

You don't want to burn yourself out, you need to take care of your own health aswell

God almighty, they sound like the in laws from hell. I think you’ve got so used to them you aren’t seeing the complete bizarreness. You are absolutely entitled to push back on this.

You are dealing with so much right now, I hate to suggest you do anything more, but I think you need to have a serious chat with your DP, and tell him his parents are impacting on your and the baby’s health. He needs to manage all the face time chats with them, and once a week is quite enough. Don’t be involved at all. They can come and see the baby once a month, he can manage that, you can pop in to say hello, then go upstairs to rest and just come and get the baby to feed. Clear time limit - they leave when the baby naps.

Re work - it’s sounds like you really aren’t ready to be back yet, is there anyway you could hold off a couple months for your health to recover?? There is no way you can do more than a couple hours a day without childcare (it’s impressive your managing that.)

Ffs this is completely unreasonable behaviour from them - get your DH to step up and get them to back off!

If I were you, I’d be going NC with them. Why does your husband not support you properly or put you first? Why do your feelings not matter?

That’s not normal behaviour. Decide how often you can bare to see them stick to it and do not give them baby alone....they sound unhinged as if they see baby as their own not yours. You are amazing working and with baby you don’t need their crazy!