I want him to make an effort for my birthday.

[Ck2992]

I'm 30 soon. I've been with dp since I was 20.

He's a generous man in the terms of he lets me spend what I want - if we can afford it. He is the main earner and provides and is a great supportive partner otherwise and a fab dad but I feel like he needs to make more effort with my birthdays etc.

He never just buys me a gift to surprise me, he's not spontaneous, he just doesn't think of anything. I either buy something for myself or tell him what I want. If I don't, I won't get anything. The dc want to get me things but they are too young and to go out and buy stuff themselves . He buys me a card but forgets to sort one out from the kids. He won't think about buying a cake, I don't even like cake much but the kids have sen and expect a cake for every single birthday - even the dogs so o usually pick up a cake for the kids.

Never a surprise or anything.

This is not the money. He's a comfortable earner and has no issue with spending the money, it's just he lacks any organisation or thought over what I might want.

Is it just a male thing? I sort out all the kids birthdays and but cards and gifts for his own mother.

Are other males like this? Like I said, the money has nothing to do with it. It's not that he doesn't want to spend the money.

He just doesn't think of anything.

I'd be happy just with a few products I like, even a notebook (I'm always writing), socks, dressing gown, slippers etc!

What has he said when you've spoken to him about it?

@ImInStealthMode

What has he said when you've spoken to him about it?

Just says he has no idea what to buy...

He wasn't so bad the first few years. I think we wre younger which made it easier.

For our first Christmas he bought me an iPad which was great but it's an easy gift 😅 no way we can afford presents of that price now though...

Is it just a male thing?

No of course not.

I sort out all the kids birthdays and but cards and gifts for his own mother.

Why? It’s his mother and they’re equally his kids? What did he do for her before you came along to take over?

Plenty of thoughtless women about who are shite with presents.

And it is just thoughtless. He could even just ask you and you say "oh a pretty notebook," or send him links to a few dressing gowns you like the look of. Say you'd love to go to your favourite restaurant.

There's really no excuse not to.

@Ck2992

I'm 30 soon. I've been with dp since I was 20.

He's a generous man in the terms of he lets me spend what I want - if we can afford it. He is the main earner and provides and is a great supportive partner otherwise and a fab dad but I feel like he needs to make more effort with my birthdays etc.

He never just buys me a gift to surprise me, he's not spontaneous, he just doesn't think of anything. I either buy something for myself or tell him what I want. If I don't, I won't get anything. The dc want to get me things but they are too young and to go out and buy stuff themselves . He buys me a card but forgets to sort one out from the kids. He won't think about buying a cake, I don't even like cake much but the kids have sen and expect a cake for every single birthday - even the dogs so o usually pick up a cake for the kids.

Never a surprise or anything.

This is not the money. He's a comfortable earner and has no issue with spending the money, it's just he lacks any organisation or thought over what I might want.

Is it just a male thing? I sort out all the kids birthdays and but cards and gifts for his own mother.

Are other males like this? Like I said, the money has nothing to do with it. It's not that he doesn't want to spend the money.

He just doesn't think of anything.

I'd be happy just with a few products I like, even a notebook (I'm always writing), socks, dressing gown, slippers etc!

You can’t really go back from this- I’m sorry to say.

Gifts and fuss are important to me when it comes to special occasions. I only continued dating men who would give beautiful flowers on Valentine’s Day and plan birthday surprises and a nice cake. My OH as a result is a fab pageant master for special events, which I really appreciate.

But if your DP hasn’t bothered since the beginning and it’s been 10 years with no ring- he’s not going to start making a huge effort now. You’ve stuck with him and had his children without it- so why bother?

If he is a good a partner as you say in other ways, then you need to compartmentalise these feelings as you will just end up disappointed every birthday or Christmas.

You could talk about friends DPs and DHs who make a lovely fuss of them in a wistful way and drop some hints, but I reckon that’s just a way of being even more disappointed when he doesn’t act on that.

Be prepared for people to call you a princess for daring to want your partner to do something lovely for you on a special day for you

It sounds like he's had 10 years of getting away with being lazy and thoughtless and has now settled into that routine.

I'd either explain to him that it makes you feel undervalued, and / or just stop buying him anything for his birthday.

And stop shopping for his Mother immediately! That's his job. DP had no idea what to get his Mum for her 70th recently; I made suggestions but in no way was I taking responsibility for it.

Definitely not a "male" thing! It isn't difficult to sort out a thoughtful gift for your partner! Yesterday my DH gave me an early Valentine's Day gift that arrived earlier than expected. We've been together 29 years. I just don't understand how a successful adult feels so challenged-flowers, jewelry, or perfume isn't rocket science. My DH will occasionally really miss on what he buys and I have to return or exchange a gift but he makes an effort nonetheless. I do consider it a dealbreaker in my opinion but that's personal and we all have different sets of expectations

My husband was like this for years. He would always say he didn't have time or he couldn't think of anything and then give me money. Eventually I explained that I felt he wasn't putting me first even for just one day. I also reassured him that if he just put a little thought I would be happy. It's not about the money.

Anyway for the last 10 years he has become a brilliant gift giver. He has discovered the joy of making an effort and seeing my surprise or happiness.

My point is that you do need to communicate how it makes you feel. He may not be bothered about presents or birthdays but you are! Once he realises he will hopefully make some effort!

Read the five languages of love.

Explain to him that he needs to help teach the children how to celebrate and treat people

Make a list - personalized mug for example is an easy gift, as him to take the kids to the shop for a bar of chocolate that you like and give them the money and help wrap - maybe choose a card or help make one etc

It doesn't help he doesn't ever want to celebrate his birthdays and doesn't find them
Important... 🤯

I've made a list of ideas and sending him out with Dd this afternoon 😅 she probably had a better idea what I want, than him and she's 6!

Surprisingly Valentine's Day is not an issue as he's always bought me a bunch of roses and chocolate. I think he finds that easy but he knows I don't want flowers for my birthday as it is so close to valentines.

His excuse is also that Christmas, my birthday and Valentine's Day is so close together that he doesn't know what to buy!

Dp is not the only problem. Not even my
Own mother buys me anything for my birthday anymore despite that my siblings get loads - they don't have children like me. She could get me something though. I always feel like my birthday is worthless and no one makes an effort 😪 Dp usually just gives me money to go spend on myself which is fine. I'd just like a surprise sometimes!

You’re not being unreasonable but you just need to decide how important this is in the overall context of the relationships. I don’t give a toss about my birthday so it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest; appreciate that everyone is different and it’s not unreasonable to want him to make more effort.

I'm going to play devil's advocate here and say that actually, I don't think he's doing anything that bad!

He makes a fuss of you on valentine's, gets you a card, and makes sure the gifts he gets you are things you actually want by having you tell him. Considering the countless threads that get posted about women who's partners cannot take a hint and therefore get them totally unwanted gifts, I think your approach is much better

He is being lazy and thoughtless. When we care for someone we show it in the way we speak to them and the way we treat them. He is showing you that he is lazy and thoughtless. Sit him down, tell him clearly that birthdays may not be important to him but they are important to you. Explain that he needs to take that on board and act accordingly.

It’s not a male thing but it is an “individual differences” thing. I am also nearly 30 and my DP’s efforts on my birthdays have been very sporadic. It bothered me when we first got together because my family have always made a big deal out of birthdays: special dinner on the day, lots of presents, cake, decorations, a “birthday weekend” activity or meal but DP comes from a family where they have never made a huge deal out of birthdays (or anything really!) so it’s not at the forefront of his mind and they (and he) show their love in other ways.

If it’s important to you, you need to say something otherwise you will be forever disappointed. Like I say, I am 30 soon too and I have spelled out to DP that I want a FUSS. I want balloons and a nice gift and some kind of celebration and he has to organise it. We’ll see what happens! 😂

My DH is like this; he will buy what I ask for but not think for himself; he says he doesn’t know what to get
At Christmas I said let’s do £10 or under surprise gifts, no pressure but something you see that I might like and that was nice. I think with bigger presents he panics about getting it right.

I agree with some of the PPs who say that really it's just a difference in expectations. Some people seem to think of gift giving as a sign of love and it's really important to them, for others, like me, it really isn't. On my birthday and at christmas I send links of anything I want and my OH buys it. Other occasions, like Valentines Day or our anniversary, we just don't bother. We've been together for nearly 12 years now and are very happy but have never exchanged valentines day cards or anniversary cards or presents. We always go out for our anniversary, usually to the theatre and dinner, but we don't bother with gifts or cards. Fortunately, we are both on the same page and it doesn't bother either of us.