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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I probably am but to have the rage with DH

11 replies

GoBrookeYourself · 15/01/2022 06:54

We have an 11 week old DS and a 4 year old DS. DH has slept upstairs in the spare room (dormer bungalow with 2 rooms upstairs and 2 downstairs) so he can sleep undisturbed for when he’s working. DS4 doesn’t wake up until about 7.30 usually. DH has done about 5 nights with me downstairs.

Last night was one of those nights. Baby DS did his usual 3 hour waking, DS4 had a nightmare at midnight so woke us up once so a pretty standard night. I EBF so between feeding baby DS and using the bathroom (I have a bowel condition so poo frequently through the night), I’ve averaged about 4 hours sleep since baby DS was born. DH can’t really help because of the EBF and baby is in a next to me crib so his helping is basically wanting to move baby DS the 10cm back to his own bed after a feed. Which I appreciate isn’t his fault, he can’t do much during the nights which is the whole reason he sleeps upstairs, he just insists sometimes on sleeping downstairs with us to ‘help’.

Anyway at 6.30, baby wakes up for a feed and DH turns to me and says ‘that night wasn’t bad was it? It was okay’ and it gave me the rage! He’s done nights a handful of times since baby was born, I’m absolutely exhausted and I got SO CROSS being told it was okay. I felt like it basically said to me ‘I don’t know why you’re so tired, nights are okay’.

I know I’m probably BU and he definitely didn’t mean it in a malicious way and was apologetic but argh! He also can’t help during the day because baby absolutely won’t settle for him and won’t sleep anywhere but on me during the day so it’s me with him 24/7.

Just needed a rant really! I felt so unappreciated after that

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 15/01/2022 07:11

I think he needs to get up with everybody this morning.

Indecisivelurcher · 15/01/2022 07:13

And then take the kids out for a walk. And bring you back a large cake and coffee.

girlmom21 · 15/01/2022 07:21

I bet he snored when you were feeding baby as well didn't he?

Closebrackets · 15/01/2022 07:25

I felt like it basically said to me ‘I don’t know why you’re so tired, nights are okay’.

That's what you perceived it as but wasn't what he actually said was it. It's bloody hard, you must be absolutely exhausted, tell him what you need and how he can help during the day time if he can't do much at night as baby etc, but it's going to be a lot harder if you're getting annoyed at stuff he hasn't actually said. Talk to him, tell him you're struggling and how he can support you.

RedHelenB · 15/01/2022 07:26

@GoBrookeYourself

Just needed a rant really! I felt so unappreciated after that

Yabu. Let your dh have his baby and you go to the park or shops with ds for a bit. Baby will settle, but you seem to want to be a martyr about it all. I ebf but my ex took baby off me for short periods and put them dowm to sleep almost from day 1

MalbecandToast · 15/01/2022 07:30

He needs to do more and get up with the elder child and the mornings so you can sleep in. As an aside though, do you have IBD? When was your last meds review? Waking through the night for the toilet is exhausting as well (I have UC) - what are they doing to get your flare under control? I'm sorry its so hard at the moment

HardbackWriter · 15/01/2022 07:32

I think you're being a bit unreasonable but also that it's ok to be a bit unreasonable with an 11 week old. I remember with DS1 DH saying excitedly one morning 'oh wow, did he sleep through the night?' and glaring at him and saying 'no, but clearly you did!'. It's funny now but at the time I found it infuriating - because I was exhausted and not really operating rationally.

He didn't say it to upset you, but maybe take how annoyed you are as a sign you need a break - maybe a long nap today?

GroollyBaby · 15/01/2022 07:34

For your own sake OP I would let DH take the baby somewhere whilst you rest for a little bit today. I know you say he won't settle for your husband and I was the same. It took me so long to "let go" and just give baby to my husband when I needed a break. And it really wasn't as bad as I was anticipating, no he didn't settle straight away but practice makes perfect and all that. Before long my husband was great at settling him and I was able to get some rest.

It was tough at first, sat in the bath or lay in bed listening to DS crying downstairs whilst DH was trying to settle him but it didn't take long for them both to get used to each other.

He's his Dad, he needs to deal with it sometimes regardless of who settles him quicker or easier. Let him get on with it. He needs to be able to take him sometimes.

AlDanvers · 15/01/2022 07:34

You feel he said one thing. But he didn't.

But you are also exhausted so I get why you feel like that.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 15/01/2022 07:39

Oh yes I've felt this MANY TIMES with our third DS. DH helped a lot with the first two but because he had a bit more on by the third DS I just took over 100% of the nights. For him to sleep right through and then say “he did well last night, didn't he?" or "why are you so tired?" If looks could kill....

Original poster

GoBrookeYourself · 15/01/2022 07:55

Thank you for the majority of nice comments! As I said, I know I’m being unreasonable and I also fully accept that it FELT LIKE he said something he didn’t. @RedHelenB calling me a martyr seems unfair. He’s tried with baby DS plenty of times, a couple of evenings ago he cried for a solid 45 minutes on DH and it’s hard to listen to that. I haven’t slagged DH off or said it’s his fault, so no need to be throwing the word martyr around. Perhaps a bit of empathy wouldn’t go amiss eh?

@MalbecandToast ah I’m sorry you have UC, it’s what I had too. Diagnosed when I was a teen, had a total colectomy a few years later and had an ileostomy for a few years. I had it reversed though and now have a j pouch so unfortunately this is as good as it’ll get bathroom wise until I get my ileostomy back. I’m already on 10 loperamide tablets before bed to try to minimise the amount I go but I just have a not great pouch.

Again, I know DH didn’t mean it like that and I’m just very tired. If you can’t be unreasonable when you’re sleep deprived, when can you!

OP posts:

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