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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mum won't go anywhere without me

14 replies

allgettingtoomuch · 14/01/2022 20:41

Mum moved closer to us last year 10 minutes up the road instead of an hour away and she hates it. She wanted to go back from the day she moved up here.

She was going to exercise classes and making friends but has all of a sudden just stopped and says she wants to see her old friends. Even though when she was living back in our old hometown she never seen them.

Anyway this guilt is eating away at me she constantly calls to say she has been sat in all day and she is to scared to travel into the town. I've been with her so many times I'm heavily pregnant now and I can't keep doing it.

I've just burst into tears because it's all getting too much for me I feel like I've got a big burden on my shoulders. It was her choice to move up here it's always about HER all the time. She knows I'm having a tough pregnancy and I need support but she never comes and helps me with the kids and her conversation is always just about her not being happy and how much she wants to move back.

It's causing massive issues for me and OH he doesn't want to keep hanging out with her all the time and wants weekends back as a family. I feel guilty if I don't speak to her for a day or if I don't pop in and see her. It's making me ill!

I don't know where to go from here it's taking ages to find her somewhere back home and it's making me so depressed I just keep thinking about her sat in the flat all day on her own and it's stressing me out.

OP posts:

AliceAbsolum · 14/01/2022 21:13

You need to detach and set some boundaries. She is in charge of her life and her feelings. None of it is your responsibility. You just need to gently keep saying no.

toomuchlaundry · 14/01/2022 21:15

How old is she?

Original poster

allgettingtoomuch · 14/01/2022 21:16

OP posts:

Fallagain · 14/01/2022 21:17

Tell her to move back.

toomuchlaundry · 14/01/2022 21:18

Does she have any medical issues?

flippertyop · 14/01/2022 21:22

Why doesn't she move back?

Original poster

allgettingtoomuch · 14/01/2022 21:25

Been trying to get her back for ages but she is fussy, wants a garden and a ground floor flat can't find one! No medical issues apart from her made up ones.

OP posts:

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 14/01/2022 21:29

Don't get sucked into this. Talk to her. Tell her that the move clearly isn't working out and she should be thinking about moving back.

Then start drawing boundaries and saying no. Don't pick up the phone every time she calls.

InTropicalTrumpsLand · 14/01/2022 21:31

66? Why can't she find a place on her own?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 14/01/2022 21:34

You're heavily pregnant. Tactically it's a good time to go mental, tell it like it is and have a good excuse later...!

I take it you are an only child. If not you need to task a sibling or estate agent with finding her a new home far far away and giving her progress updates every few days.

You could also tactically start asking her explicitly to do things to help you. I have a mountain of ironing - could you spare 2 hours etc etc She's either the sort of person to immediately say yes and jump in; or will rapidly find something else to do...

TokyoTen · 14/01/2022 22:10

Stop making yourself responsible for her! Please don't fall into this trap- tell her kindly but firmly you don't have the time or energy and you need time with just you and OH. She needs to be responsible for her own entertainment!

Vivi0 · 14/01/2022 22:20

@allgettingtoomuch

Been trying to get her back for ages but she is fussy, wants a garden and a ground floor flat can't find one! No medical issues apart from her made up ones.

I don’t think your mum is fussy, I honestely don’t think she has any intention of moving back.

She wants your time and your attention and you looking at houses for her, making a fuss, is giving her just that.

People like this don’t care what you have going on in your life. It’s all take, take, take.

I’m not trying to be mean, sometimes it just takes an outsider to point out what is happening. How do I know? Because, despite you saying that your husband is getting frustrated that he doesn’t want to hang around with her all the time, your response to her still complaining about being lonely, is guilt. It sounds like she sees you all plenty as it is. She is trying to make you feel guilty. For you to give her even more of your time and your attention. It’s manipulation.

You need to put boundaries in place now, before your little one is here. Your children need your time and your attention. You need time with your husband. You need time for yourself.

If you don’t put boundaries in place now, things will get worse as I don’t believe for a second she is going to move back.

pennysays · 14/01/2022 22:31

If it helps then I’ve been working on things to say to people that suck me into their lives. I’m trying “that sounds really tough, but I know you and I trust you to work out how to solve it.” This is all just short for “this is your problem…”

cherrytopcake · 14/01/2022 22:45

This literally sounds like my mum and me. Sorry to hear this OP. You sound exactly how I was feeling last year with the same problems I had with my mum. I was also heavily pregnant and felt like it was all about her. She had such negative energy every time I saw her. All she did was talk and moan about how bad her life was. She never helped with my other two children and just drained me of all energy. Complained she felt lonely and I felt the burden too! Felt exactly like you do now and it was too much for me. Getting me down and keeping me up at night worrying about her. We ended up falling out as I dreaded seeing her, I had to tell her how I really felt and we argued. We are now back on good terms but there is some distance between us, much needed if you tell me. I had to think of myself in the end and how she was affecting me. I put my children, partner (we're not married) and myself first as it was affecting my parenting and mood at home. I'm glad I set boundaries in the end. You're not alone in how you feel. Many mothers seem to do this to their daughters and think it's ok to effectively act like a child when they get a bit older. I don't know why. You need to speak up for yourself and tell her honestly how you're feeling. Take some time away from her. You need this. Your partner needs this. Your pregnancy needs this. You need to be a bit selfish here and put yourself first. A bit of distance will do you good until she moves away and hopefully things will get better with some time. See her a bit less. Quality over quantity. Remain loving and caring just don't let her get too intense and don't allow her to offload onto you. Tell her what you need from her. I wanted to be there for my mum and listen to her problems... in the end she just offloaded too much onto me and I couldn't cope. Things got better when I was honest with her. Your mental health with thank you. Best of luck OP, I feel you!

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