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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he shouldn't be going

12 replies

Grizzly92 · 14/01/2022 20:04

My husband was bought a ticket to a sporting event in February for xmas.
All fine until I realised it was a day before by mums birthday who died in the summer.
I've had a really hard time since then and kept going for the sake of our DC.
At xmas when he mentioned it I said do you have to go ? He said no it's ok I get you wouldnt want to be alone that day.
For context he wouldnt be back until late the next day meaning I would spend the day alone.
I discovered hes told people hes going and hotels have been booked.
When my mum died he worked the whole time leaving me to cope without any support with DC. I really feel this is unfair as I could,for once do with some support.
AIBU ?

OP posts:

JDaytona · 14/01/2022 20:07

Can he not plan to travel back that night/first thing in the morning?

Justwingingit2005 · 14/01/2022 20:09

Hey OP

My mum died 9 yrs ago so I sympathise.

My DH had the day she died and the next day off work then the day of the funeral. Other than that we carried on as normal or as normal as life can be so soon afterwards.

One thing I will say is everyone's grief is different and just because it wouldn't worry me if my DH had gone away to a preplanned event it doesn't mean it shouldn't worry you. Grief and coping coping loss is such a personal experience.

sadpapercourtesan · 14/01/2022 20:13

I think the major issue is that he's lying to you. He told you he wouldn't go because he understood you not wanting to be alone that day. He's told others that he is going, and has made bookings.

What has he said about the bookings/telling others he is going? Has he tried to explain at all?

BurntO · 14/01/2022 20:15

It’s the first birthday of your mums since she passed, I don’t think YABU if you want him with you.
I think your post will throw people off if they don’t read properly cause I almost said YABU considering it’s the day before until I realised you mentioned he wouldn’t be home.

It’s shitty he has given you the impression he isn’t attending when he clearly is.

User0ne · 14/01/2022 20:20

I think you need to have a broader conversation with him about emotional support: the impact him not providing it is having on you and the possible implications for your relationship.

My mum died 3 years ago. We didn't have a great relationship but I am still aware of being less emotionally resilient around certain dates (birthdays, Christmas, birth of child she'll never meet etc). I'd have been really pissed off with dh if he had done what yours plans to, tbh my DH would still "ask permission" for something on a key date now because he's good at looking out for my emotional needs

HeddaGarbled · 14/01/2022 20:26

There are so many poignant ‘anniversaries’ that first year after a bereavement, and in subsequent years. I made the decision not to dwell on them all, else I’d never get my head above water.

If you think it would help you (my own view is that it won’t) you can think of a way to commemorate your mum on the day, that doesn’t require input from other people.

He doesn’t sound massively supportive and that may be something you want to think about, whether he’s selfish and neglectful of your feelings, but I don’t think that insisting he reluctantly hangs about you on a specified day, is going to help you at all.

ElegantlyTouched · 14/01/2022 20:29

Does he know you know? If not I'd let him know how much you appreciate him not going. Watch him squirm his way out of that.

JenniferAlisonPhilippaSue · 14/01/2022 20:45

I really think that you ought to “let” him go. Wouldn’t you feel bad if he missed out? As @HeddaGarbled says, there are lots of poignant anniversaries - I also find that it’s best not to dwell on these dates. Did your mum have a sibling or close friend? Perhaps you could arrange to do something nice that day with them.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 14/01/2022 20:59

I'm so sorry that you miss your mum

Gently, I do think it's a little unrealistic to expect him not to go due to your mums birthday. I absolutely get it, I've had more than my share of bereavements, and you do feel like the world needs to stop turning because your loved one died, but in reality it doesn't. A relative of mine gave birth on the anniversary of my child's death, and other things have cropped up on various dates throughout the years too. I usually find that because I've prepared myself to be so upset on those dates that I'm actually OK, and it hits me the day after instead, so that's something to be aware of too.

It's hard to tell if he was just a bit rubbish when your mum died, or if he wasn't able to get time off/couldn't afford it, but clearly this event has opened old wounds from that time also.

I hope the day passes as easily as possible for you op

CallMeBettyBoop · 14/01/2022 21:12

Every day is an anniversary, OP. As another poster already put very eloquently, the first year after bereavement is full of 'first' dates - birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Mother's Day etc. I don't think your DH is being deliberately cruel, he maybe doesn't realise just how much you are focusing on the date of her birthday. (For context, my own mum died suddenly when I was 24.)

I think I would be inclined to let my DH go and enjoy his gift. Have you got other support you can turn to for the date itself?

TheCanyon · 14/01/2022 21:17

@CallMeBettyBoop

I think I would be inclined to let my DH go and enjoy his gift. Have you got other support you can turn to for the date itself?

This is put perfectly.

And realistically what can be do? He can't make it go away or make it better.

Let him go

Muststopeating · 14/01/2022 21:22

I think its okay to tell him what you need!

My dad died 3 years ago. He died just after his hirthday but for some reason I've always found his birthday much harder.

He was a foodie and I like to have something that we would have enjoyed for dinner on his birthday. DH was late home from work this year and forgot to pick up the food and I was irrationally devastated!

Surely the compromise is that he goes but he gets back early the next day. To be fair a little bit of alone time in the morning might be good (can you get someone else to take DC for a few hours)?

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