To distance from friend having MH difficulties.

[susannag1978]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about an event I was due to go to where my friend had changed her mind about going and asked me to buy her out of the event. It was largely agreed that I was not being unreasonable and thankfully the event has been cancelled so we are due refunds and nobody is going to lose out.

She has bipolar disorder and seems to often want a reaction. We have been good friends for a long time but this is the closest I've been to one of her 'episodes' and normally I would just not hear from her for a while but this time as we are so involved in each others lives there's been quite a lot of drama.

I contacted her to explain the event was now cancelled and we would be due refunds and I would transfer the money when it was refunded to my card. She told me that no, she wanted the money immediately and for the sake of a quiet life I transferred it.

She then told me that she has noticed that 'a lot' of my friends have blocked her on social media. She works with the public and has met two of my friends as customers and then chose to follow them and other friends of mine on Twitter. Which is fine, I'm happy for them all to chat. She told me she's deleting her account as she's confused and upset by this. I had a look and we seem to have the same amount of mutual friends as we always did. I asked her who she is concerned about and she said 'I'm not telling you as I don't want to get involved in the drama'.

I gently explained that I don't know of any reason why but that they do only know of her through me. She said she needs me to confirm I haven't 'badmouthed' her to my friends. I told her that I think very highly of her and haven't done that. She said I would be putting her job at risk as she works with the public.

I think she's in a really bad place mentally and we were a great support to each other and our children were close and I get along brilliantly with her DD and DS. At the moment we've left it as I've told her I think highly of her and haven't spoken badly of her to anyone and I'm sorry she's struggling. She hasn't replied. We had a weekend break next month that I found out through a third party she isn't planning on going on (but hasn't told me) and I've quietly had that refunded to myself as it was my treat for her birthday.

I want to be supportive and I miss her and her children but its at the stage that I feel sick when I see her typing on WhatsApp.

Hi OP, my best friend has schizoaffective disorder so I understand a lot of what you're saying. I love him so much but it can be challenging to maintain our friendship at times.

I haven't read your other post but will reply based on this one.

Firstly, you. Apologies if you already know this, I'm sure you do. You sound really caring and supportive, your friend is lucky to have you. It's so important to have good boundaries and know you can only do your best. This might sometimes mean stepping back and putting yourself first. That's ok. You can help as a friend and help her get the medical help she needs when required, but you aren't responsible for her health and mustn't live in dread of her texts and calls etc. It's so easy to take so much on in these situations.

What does she have in place in terms of support for her mental health, what is the plan when she becomes unwell? Sounds like she's had a rough time and there are potentially signs of her relapsing. Is she often paranoid or is this a new symptom? It's important to know what behaviour is part of her personality and what behaviour is part of the illness.

YANBU to distance yourself and maintain your boundaries. You have to protect yourself and there’s only so much support you can give.

I have a friend who has bi-polar. At one point I was quite close to her but then I realised I was getting caught up in her issues - I felt like a fly in a spider’s web. She also takes from people a lot, emotionally-wise as well as time/resources, and I just didn’t have the capacity for it. So I stepped back from the friendship (she has a partner, so it’s not like I left her in the lurch!) and kept a bit more distance in future.

@UserThenLotsOfNumbers

Hi OP, my best friend has schizoaffective disorder so I understand a lot of what you're saying. I love him so much but it can be challenging to maintain our friendship at times.

I haven't read your other post but will reply based on this one.

Firstly, you. Apologies if you already know this, I'm sure you do. You sound really caring and supportive, your friend is lucky to have you. It's so important to have good boundaries and know you can only do your best. This might sometimes mean stepping back and putting yourself first. That's ok. You can help as a friend and help her get the medical help she needs when required, but you aren't responsible for her health and mustn't live in dread of her texts and calls etc. It's so easy to take so much on in these situations.

What does she have in place in terms of support for her mental health, what is the plan when she becomes unwell? Sounds like she's had a rough time and there are potentially signs of her relapsing. Is she often paranoid or is this a new symptom? It's important to know what behaviour is part of her personality and what behaviour is part of the illness.

She is on regular medication and is part of an outpatient clinic where she is required to check in every so often for a chat as well as physical health that the meds might have an impact on.

She had a longterm partner who was able to pick up the slack around the house when she got unwell but they split last summer. This has had a huge impact.

@BrightYellowDaffodil

YANBU to distance yourself and maintain your boundaries. You have to protect yourself and there’s only so much support you can give.

I have a friend who has bi-polar. At one point I was quite close to her but then I realised I was getting caught up in her issues - I felt like a fly in a spider’s web. She also takes from people a lot, emotionally-wise as well as time/resources, and I just didn’t have the capacity for it. So I stepped back from the friendship (she has a partner, so it’s not like I left her in the lurch!) and kept a bit more distance in future.

My friend split from her longterm partner in unexpected circumstances last year and this has had a huge impact. On both of us as I know when she was uncommunicative- at least he was home with her and the children. Now I worry more as I feel she doesn't have the same kind of support. But I can't replace her partner. I can't move in with her and keep an eye on her at all times.

She is on regular medication and is part of an outpatient clinic where she is required to check in every so often for a chat as well as physical health that the meds might have an impact on.

So she has support and is under the care of clinicians, so she’s not alone or uncared-for. As you say, you can’t replace her partner. Unfortunately one of the things I’ve often seen in those with bi-polar is a constant need for attention, and they’ll never have enough of it.

Also, harsh as this no doubt sounds, if her partner felt able to walk away, why shouldn’t you?

Is she open to you about her MH diagnosis? Does she actually discuss it with you?

I n your shoes I would try to give her that opportunity so that you can stay honest and real with her. You might say something along the lines if " I know BP mood goes up and down a bit and it seems you're in a low spot lately. "
or " Sounds like you're feeling very anxious and suspicious just now. I think that's part of your condition. Must be really tough for you".

  She MAY be quite willing to acknowledge  her current state and talk more about it.     Some people with specific mental illnesses have good awareness of its fluctuations   but never quite know how obvious the effects are to outsiders.  It can be a relief to them to get a matter of fact acknowledgement.

@BrightYellowDaffodil

Also, harsh as this no doubt sounds, if her partner felt able to walk away, why shouldn’t you?

He didn't walk away, he was thrown out. He had an affair and she (quite rightly) kicked him out.

@2bazookas

Is she open to you about her MH diagnosis? Does she actually discuss it with you?

I n your shoes I would try to give her that opportunity so that you can stay honest and real with her. You might say something along the lines if " I know BP mood goes up and down a bit and it seems you're in a low spot lately. "
or " Sounds like you're feeling very anxious and suspicious just now. I think that's part of your condition. Must be really tough for you".

  She MAY be quite willing to acknowledge  her current state and talk more about it.     Some people with specific mental illnesses have good awareness of its fluctuations   but never quite know how obvious the effects are to outsiders.  It can be a relief to them to get a matter of fact acknowledgement.</div></div>

To an extent she'll be open. I've told her before that I've read up a lot on the disorder but that I don't necessarily know how it relates to her own experience. She is quite comforted by the diagnosis, she said that it offered her an explanation for how she felt and behaved.

I don't know how much awareness her teenage children have of her condition. They know there are days mum can't get out of bed.

As I mentioned in another post, her longterm partner had an affair and she was suspicious for weeks. We all thought he was devoted and told her (and so did he) that it was her paranoia. Unfortunately, it wasn't so I'm wary of suggesting anything is a symptom at the moment.

Having dealt with two family members who are also unwell, I can say from experience that you need to step away, for the sake of your own mental health. You can't help her.

What are you actually getting from this friendship? You're treading on eggshells to please her when quite frankly she sounds batshit! It is not acceptable for her to treat you like this, Bi-Polar or not!!

If as you say she has a bipolar diagnosis and this is a deviation from her normal personality then you are right to support her as she may be unwell. But the support she needs right now would be different from what you would normally give her when well.
She won’t be rational so step back from engaging with her as a friend and equal. Put on your professional hat and treat her as someone who may not be fully competent. Has she seen her doctor recently? Would she let you accompany her to an appointment to tell them how you see her right now? How are her children doing and what have they noticed? Do they need help and support? This might be very frightening and upsetting for them. Is she keeping up with bills etc? Does she have other family members who would help (especially with the children) if they knew she seemed to be struggling?

@GrannytoaUnicorn

What are you actually getting from this friendship? You're treading on eggshells to please her when quite frankly she sounds batshit! It is not acceptable for her to treat you like this, Bi-Polar or not!!

Aside from the last few months I’ve had the best friend I’ve ever known. She’s kind and generous and thoughtful. I can be open about her with anything and we have so much fun together and with our children. Things are bad just now but I have enough love for her to want to stick it out, this is not who she is.

@Coronawireless

If as you say she has a bipolar diagnosis and this is a deviation from her normal personality then you are right to support her as she may be unwell. But the support she needs right now would be different from what you would normally give her when well. She won’t be rational so step back from engaging with her as a friend and equal. Put on your professional hat and treat her as someone who may not be fully competent. Has she seen her doctor recently? Would she let you accompany her to an appointment to tell them how you see her right now? How are her children doing and what have they noticed? Do they need help and support? This might be very frightening and upsetting for them. Is she keeping up with bills etc? Does she have other family members who would help (especially with the children) if they knew she seemed to be struggling?

Her DD has started therapy herself and DS is doing well at the moment but he does get upset. Their closest relatives are around an hour away and at 15 and 13 and I don’t think they’re checked in on that often. Their father knows little about what’s going on as she doesn’t want her ex husband to know.

She struggles a lot financially. Her income has taken a hit and because of her impulse control I know she’ll spend money on 5 new dresses to cheer herself up rather than the council tax. When she split from her ex partner last year I sorted out a lot of the mess for her and made sure she paid the late payment fees. I fear she’s in another mess. I would happily go to an appointment with her but she’s not in a space where I would even feel like I could ask her right now.

Gosh well they are still very young and must be suffering right now. Currently it sounds as if their mum is not their mum which must be frightening and sad. Forget about worrying about weekends away or who said what in a WhatsApp. You’re way beyond that. If you really want to help your friend, probably the best thing you can do now is stay in close touch with her DC and be there for them. If she gets really bad, try to enlist friends/family to get her seen medically. You were fond of her DC when they were younger, don’t leave them unsupported. Very sad situation!

Slight update to update...not much has changed.

When I told her I was due a refund for an event and it should be in my account in a few days she told me to send the money immediately. I did, and was out of pocket for a few days but she didn't acknowledge me sending it. It was a significant amount.

I've managed to basically rearrange all of our plans and sort out all of the financial side of things so I am pretty much free to 'wait it out' for this depressive episode to pass. The things that were stressing me out are (mostly) sorted.

We had a concert booked that was £150 each and she pulled out of that and told me to sell her ticket and give her the money back (MN consensus was that she should have to go to the trouble of selling it) but I've managed to find a buyer who is a friend and will go with me.

I will give her the money as she had paid for the ticket and I have found a buyer and I know she won't acknowledge it but can someone please validate that AINBU by wanting her to even comment 'thanks' that I've got her the money back?!

I validate that.

I have a relative with a severe mental illness, allied to a recent diagnosis with high-functioning but 'severe' autism. She never responds to cash presents and cards and rarely to messages. At the moment, frankly, money is really tight and I do wonder why I'm still sending them to her.

It seems a very one-sided relationship. But there are only a few people in her family who have any kind of connection with her. The others have been pushed away or have given up. So I feel bad when I think of giving up too.

I also validate that. The only thing I'd advise is that you're doing the right thing by her, you're keeping yourself right and you're being a good friend.

Hopefully she'll come around soon.

Slightly more positive. 10 days after I told her I had obtained a refund for her and sent on the money she's replied. She said "Thank so much for doing that, I really appreciate it x"

I haven't rushed to reply and will contact her again when I send the next lot of money she's due back from refunds which will be in a few days.

From someone that always used to use the 'react' button in messages to like things with hearts and send cute gifs and occasionally put a kiss at the end of a particularly sincere message, there's been none of that lately. So I'm taking this as slow progress and letting her come around when she's ready.