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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This is really messed up

2 replies

LAURAMINIMAQ88 · 13/01/2022 19:28

Now this will be long and can be messy as I am so angry typing !

My husband, me and the kids live in the UK for 10 years now.
Father in law lives here too, together with his son (My partners brother)

My MIL lives in Poland despite still being together with FIL , they aren't separated, they just don't live together in the same country but claim to love eachother .

Because my FIL is here ..He gets on really well with the kids and myselfz we visit eachother very often and lecebrate everything together.
My daughter adores him and he takes her every Friday (my other child is only a baby) my daughter is very close to him.
They have a great relationship.

I get on with my MIL and everyone in the family .
We talk on Skype .

The biggest problem is that my MIL is an alcocholic, everyone is aware of the situation apart from the MIL herself and my FIL , they are both in masive denial.

There were occasions when we would all Skype on camera she would be so drunk to the point where she passed out on sofa.
My Father in Law was there at the time and looks like he is still in such denial.

Just before the chrostmas my husband said he had enough and tried to confront the Father explaining that he needs to go back to the country and do something because it can't go on like this forever and that mil is lonely in country, drinking a lot, she needs help ,she needs to stop drinking.
He shouted at husband and told him to get the f**k out of the house and to not come back.
He basically believes that we are all lying.

My husband and his brothers do really want to help their mother but it looks like there isn't any way.

Now the whole family is not talking with eachother .

Father in law isn't angry with me and the kids obviously but he won't come to our house in case my husband is here , we don't go over to his to visit due to what was said last time .
My husband isn't talking to him .
Problem is that my FIL Now believes that my husband needs to apologise that he has called his own mother an alcoholic and has insulted her.
My husband never said anything insulting, he was being calm at the time and really thought he would be able to have a grown up conversation about his mother with his Father so that she can get help.

My daughter Now miss his grandad and I don't know what to do about it.
FIL asked me if he could visit tomorrow morning at 9 and go before 12 knowing that DH will be bać home after 12 so he doesn't want to see him.

FIL is awating an apology, apology for nothing that he's done.

We all need to do something but we don't know what and how.

I dont say anything as I don't want things to get worse.

I hate being in this position.
I want the family to get on as we were .
What would you do ?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 13/01/2022 19:35

Perhaps try to find a quiet moment tomorrow to explain that DH loves them both very much and was acting out of concern. Try not to express an opinion yourself but listen to him and keep your message simple.

Sounds really difficult. I wonder if he is in denial and feels guilty and attacked for not rushing back to deal with her?

Are there any relatives in Poland who can keep an eye on her welfare?

Tal45 · 13/01/2022 19:42

Is your DH ok with his dad visiting when he is not there, there's no problem if so IMO. You can't make him accept his wife is an alcoholic though any more than you can make her accept it. I wouldn't mention it and just not get involved in that. If the brothers are really concerned about their mum perhaps it would be better if they went out and talked to her and saw if there was anything they could do to help.

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