How to support my friend with her heartbroken Ds

[AndiPetersblender]

My friend has gone through a recent (ish) break up. She had no idea it was coming and he is being so cold and uncooperative.
The hardest thing is her DS4 who had started calling her p dad, is really devastated. He has no idea where his stepdad has gone. Their child together will still be picked up by him, and the ds doesn't understand why he can't go with them.
I've got no idea how to help them all. I've been there throughout it all and I'm honestly out of things to say. What go you say to a child who asks why their dad doesn't love them anymore but still loves their sibling?
I've told her to formalise contact and only talk about childcare through that app you can get but it doesn't help the emotional side. Every decision she has made (house, job, second child) was based on this relationship and she can't really think straight.
I want to help her in a practical way as I feel my constant 'oh no' and 'what a dick' comments aren't actually helping her.
There's no bio dad for the ds either.

I think you’re already doing the right thing. You can’t fix it and she doesn’t expect you to. Sometimes all you need is a friend to say ‘oh no’ and ‘what a dick’

I know she’s not going to want to sound like she’s being desperate but has she asked ex DP whether he would treat both DC as equal? If they have one child together which I think I’m reading they do, there is now a long-standing involvement with each other even if they aren’t together and therefore in some ways this impacts her DC who isn’t his. Would he consider that he has two DC for contact purposes, they could arrange in the background that money etc was more for their shared DC but nothing too openly obvious to the DC who will just consider themselves siblings.

@Guavaf1sh

I think you’re already doing the right thing. You can’t fix it and she doesn’t expect you to. Sometimes all you need is a friend to say ‘oh no’ and ‘what a dick’

I'd be wary of doing that, in case they reconcile

Sounds a tough situation for the DS4. No easy answers. Could you take him out sometimes, when his sibling goes away for contact

Too late now but this is why it’s unwise to let children call people mum or dad when they’re not. Had her son been led to believe mum’s boyfriend was his dad?

They hadn’t been together that long if her son is 4. Poor little thing.

You can’t do anything. Keep sympathising and know they’ll get through it in time. Step back if it’s getting too much. She’s lucky to have you but this is her family and while you care about them you shouldn’t overextend yourself.

I have a friend in this situation. Now its all settled her ex and his new gf are actually really great and take the sibling with them every 3/4 time as they are sensitive to what has happened.

Is there no way her ex partner might be kind enough to do this occasionally?

Poor little mite. It must be hard.

You can’t really do anything, from a practical point of view. Just listen, really.

If I were her, I’d be very clear to the 4yo that this man wasn’t his father, and that I was really excited that he and I got to have 1:1 time when the younger one was away.

My friends ex takes both the kids, but then he's not a total bastard.

What you're doing is fine, the thing she needs most is a friend in her corner!
You could always suggest she has special DS time where they get to do things the youngest makes difficult! Board games, ice skating, even just the park with him being the focus not the youngest!! Movies, so much she can do with a 4yo that they miss out on when there's a younger sibling!!

So hard though when he sees him as Dad 😢

Yes it might be worth suggesting that they could spend joint time.

Your friend could suggest it as beneficial to their joint DS, which it would be.

Poor thing.

A friend of mine who had a child with a woman who already had others (all different dads, some were involved more than others) used to take whichever kids wanted to come for his contact time with 'his' child. The more involved dads were actually all really good with all the kids.

Possibly her ex would be amenable to staying in contact with her older child? If not I think all you can really do is listen and support her as best you can. Maybe go over for an afternoon and do some fun things when the younger one is away.

@notanothertakeaway I do this but very aware of my own DC's dad being there, doing dad things and whether it makes things harder for him.

Don't even call him a dick if they rekindle you'll be at fault.
Hopefully he'll include his DSC if they're having days out.