Is sex important to you?

[Whatthefuck3456]

My marriage has been brilliant for 3 years, the last year it’s a complete shit show! My husband and I have had a baby 18 months ago, times have been extremely hard. 12 year age difference! He is happy with sex 2-3 times per month, this for me is not enough, due to lack of intimacy we don’t have that deep connection if you know what I mean. I am craving that intimate connection with my husband.

This issue has caused argument for a few months now. We argue, we sort it then within a few weeks it’s back to normal. I hate it!! I hate the fact he thinks I’m moaning about wanting him to shg me more when it’s not it’s about this connection I long for! The shg is over in less than a minute it takes longer to get undressed. I need more. I feel ugly & so insecure by this.

Fast forward to now and he says I’ve let myself go this is partly the reason why? He said it during an argument about something else. To me I still do all the upkeep of myself, I always have I am just tired from having a baby, job and looking after the house etc. I just needed to vent. I’m so worried is this my life now. Will I regret it if I leave as it’s only sex? But I feel so unhappy that I want more! This is massively effecting my MH. WWYD

Sex isn't a huge factor in mine and DHs relationship

We have matched sex drives and get connection from touch outside of sexual intercourse. We are very cuddly etc.

However if your DH has gone off sex due to your appearance/letting yourself go is this something that could be true? As if so you need to evaluate whether you sort this out or leave.

If you think he only said it as a deflection to the argument that's another issue.

I definitely couldn't in good conscience make my child go through the long term stress and trauma of a divorce because i wasn't happy with the sex and the sex alone.

Don't leave just for sex you are unlikely to ever find the perfect partner.

If everything else is good I'd stay. Life is hard an relationships don't have to be perfect to be enjoyable.

Since we got a small dog, no sex life as he sleeps in our bed!

I left my ex husband after 5 years of a sexless marriage. He was an otherwise good husband and he’s a good man but it was stay and never have sex again or leave. I’m now in a relationship with a nan who makes me laugh whenever we’re together and who shags my brains out. I have my own house and my own life and I’ve never been happier. Everyone has different priorities, only you know how important sex is and whether you can continue a relationship with little sex.

It sounds like he's lashing out because the situation is difficult. I doubt very much that he really thinks you aren't attractive enough. He shouldn't have said it though.

Mismatched sex drives cause a lot of misery. For me in the small child years I was so knackered that once or twice a month was enough for me. I know that my dh would have liked more but he stayed affectionate and loving and things did improve.

Is your partner very tired? Very touched out?

I could have wrote this op I have a 20 month old dc and 2 older dc everything's changed in that department with us I think I have let myself go I'm no longer sexy to him and it kills me no advice but just wanted to say your not alone.

I lost all sexual function at 34 following a second back surgery
I'm 37 now and wish I'd have had more, or could get it back 😔

I’m in a relationship with a MAN, not a NAN

Nope. Im 47. Could happily live without it for the test of my life.

Sounds like the sex is pretty shit anyway if it’s over in a minute. What you’re really craving is intimacy. His jibe about you letting yourself go is hurtful and unnecessary and I’d be more concerned with why he thinks it ok to say this to you tbh.

Sex is very important to me. It was a way to connect with DP when he’d been away etc and it always seemed to help if I was feeling a bit low etc

I really miss it since we split - to the point I wondered if we could just be FWB instead! But I know it would be different without the emotional connection.

Hope you’re able to get to the bottom of it. Splitting a family is a big decision. But if you do it won’t be because you want a few minutes of fumbling. It will be a lack of connection and intimacy in general, which is a bigger deal.

We're an older couple and I have no interest in sex whatever. It was always a chore with previous partners. I think I could have quite happily lived my life without it.

Sex is important to us but sometimes it can go a while without any. Then we find it's more difficult to get back into it. But I couldn't be doing with a quick sesh every time like that. He should not be saying it's all you have let yourself go. I've put on a bit of weight but if my DH said it like that I'd be devastated. It sounds like your DH is using you as an excuse when really it's him.

It would be a deal breaker for me married or not. Sex isn’t just sex, for me it brings a level of intimacy that cannot be matched by anything else. And the passion. It’s a massive part of a relationship.

@PossiblyDreaming

I left my ex husband after 5 years of a sexless marriage. He was an otherwise good husband and he’s a good man but it was stay and never have sex again or leave. I’m now in a relationship with a nan who makes me laugh whenever we’re together and who shags my brains out. I have my own house and my own life and I’ve never been happier. Everyone has different priorities, only you know how important sex is and whether you can continue a relationship with little sex.

This sums it up for me. It is very important to me too and no sex would be a deal breaker for me too but it has to be about what you want OP.

I’ve put on a bit of weight. I haven’t weighed myself but I know I have. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel so self conscious about this it’s put me right off having sex with my DH. He tells me that he loves me and that I’m still attractive to him but I worry about losing him over this.

My oh and I were pretty evenly matched in sex drive then he got ill and had erectile dysfunction due to his health. It was awful! All of it was hard but I also found the lack of sex really hard. It helps you bond as a couple and releases feel good hormones. Try couples councelling.

I honestly wouldn't listen (much) to other people on this. OP needs to work out how much it matters to her and not e.g. feel inferior to others because they're all swinging from chandeliers etc, or else be told that she's being silly & that this stuff isn't important, no-one really bothers with it past such and such stage in life, etc.

When I have been single it's not a big factor in my life tbh, in some way I enjoy focussing on other things (although I do fret about wasted time), but feeling rejected whilst in a relationship can be extremely hurtful. I'm sorry OP and I hope you get a resolution.

Hello op, I’m sorry you’re going through all this. Is the lack of sex a normal thing? Has it always been this way?

How much time do you get just the two of you? There are other ways you can create intimacy such as holding hands, going out for coffee together, things like that. Are there ways you can make time for that?

I also wonder whether he’s a bit depressed or how things are going for him if this is a change. People do go through phases but it’s important to deal with it as it’s obviously a big thing for you.

I work 60 hour weeks plus we have three teenagers so 2/3 times a month is about right for us. I’m just crap at silent shagging !.

@PossiblyDreaming

I left my ex husband after 5 years of a sexless marriage. He was an otherwise good husband and he’s a good man but it was stay and never have sex again or leave. I’m now in a relationship with a nan who makes me laugh whenever we’re together and who shags my brains out. I have my own house and my own life and I’ve never been happier. Everyone has different priorities, only you know how important sex is and whether you can continue a relationship with little sex.

You found a nan who shags your brains out 🙊🙊 sorry couldn’t resist.

I would take time to try and sort this first op.