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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To choose To not go down

10 replies

Cherryfizzzz · 12/01/2022 18:36

To my boyfriends tonight. We've only been involved a year and in a relationship since the summer. He's currently awaiting a scan and gone from earning a few grand a month to living off £650 a month. He can't go back to work as he's in extreme pain in his lower back he had an operation in 2016. It seems he's likely got another nerve trapped.

He's now in a financial mess. Not really his fault at all. He's worked hard all his life but has had 2 relationships before me where he ended up leaving with nothing and starting again and has not built up much in terms of savings since his last girlfriend and what he did have has gone on the last few months.

He spends most his time at home. We don't go out at the moment due to this situation. He's on amitriptyline to try treat the nerve pain. All they just knock him out for 3 or 4 hours then he's awake in pain on and off all night.

I've been so supportive and I've paid for bits and pieces so we can sometimes enjoy things. Due to Christmas I haven't got any spare cash this month to pay for anything extra and it's made him worry even more about things.

I was meant to stay over tonight but his been really negative all day and I can sense he's not in the best mood. I decided I didn't want to go to his because I couldn't quite read him and he kept saying he couldn't wait for bed etc. I was feeling like he wanted to take his tablets and sleep. I asked him what he thought about me going down and he got snappy and said just make a decision and stick to it. So I said I'd leave it.

I understand he's in so much pain and has alot of worries. But sometimes I just don't see the point in going to his so he can fall asleep half an hour after I get there.

Am I being mean to choose to stay home as its getting too same old with him.

OP posts:
NatriumChloride · 12/01/2022 18:38

Have you posted about this before OP?

LIZS · 12/01/2022 18:43

It has echoes of familiarity. Why does he want to see you, to borrow money or spend time with you? Does he take other painkillers or self medicate with alcohol etc?

Cherryfizzzz · 12/01/2022 18:47

I posted before about his back but not so much me choosing to not visit.
I don't know what to do with him at the moment. He's just in a massive rut.

He takes otc painkillers and has tried everything you can think of.

I think I'm just fed up of today as he just doesn't seem himself and I don't see the point in going down when it's to just get in bed and sleep.

OP posts:
MrsToothyBitch · 12/01/2022 18:48

I believe you've posted before? I have to say you seem unhappy.

LIZS · 12/01/2022 18:51

You don't have to visit or put up with his moods. Has he asked for a referral to a pain clinic?

MatildaTheCat · 12/01/2022 18:51

I’ve been in your BF’s position and it’s rubbish. However you are in a new relationship and there’s really not much you can do to help him unless you decide to support him financially (don’t) or take over his physical care needs ( also don’t).

Stick to your boundaries- six months into dating it’s about fun mostly and he’s not currently able to date. So maybe keep in touch, offer calls etc but put things on hold for now?

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/01/2022 19:04

Yikes, I thought this post was about oral..

Sorry you are having a rough time OP. I think as a PP says, he’s not in a position to date, and you are too early to be a full relationship. So I think you just need to say dating is too much for the both of you now, and pull back to friendship. If he doesn’t want to be friends that’s fine too.

There is a red flag in his leaving two relationships with nothing. That indicates he isn’t a grown up, so I’d also steer clear on that front.

WonderfulYou · 12/01/2022 19:07

YANBU to not want to go especially as he said he couldn’t wait for bed etc but it does sound like you were beating around the bush a bit instead of just saying you’re not going.

I don’t understand the relevance of his salary though?

AffIt · 12/01/2022 19:18

Due to Christmas I haven't got any spare cash this month to pay for anything extra and it's made him worry even more about things.

You not having any spare cash has made him worry? Why?

You've posted numerous times about this, OP, and you always get the same response which is that if a relationship isn't working for you, then you don't need anybody's permission to leave and you certainly are not responsible for the financial or emotional health an adult man you've been seeing for such a short time.

Beautiful3 · 12/01/2022 19:20

You're not living together, had his child nor married. If you're really unhappy, then break up with him. But think it over, as you can never go back.

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