Just so sick of exh

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

Examples of why:

1. He’s cut the amount of court ordered maintenance he pays to about half the amount the court ordered. I’ve had legal advice and applied to enforce but it’s taken ages due to backlogs. Now he wants mediation to try to vary the order (he should have applied in first place) but apparently he is applying retrospectively . My mortgage is based on having this money, it’s not optional.

1. I update him on straight forward health matters about the children and he always manages to turn it into a criticism of my parenting. Do you make ds 7 wash his hands? Brush his teeth? Yes of course I do! I was parenting long before you were, that’s why I left you - you did bog all!

1. Manages to upset one or other child whenever they go there. Only reacts to behaviour that inconveniences him, not that which is actually important.

I just generally hate having the fucker in my life!

AIBU is am I unreasonable to be fed up and sick to death of him

Yanbu

But why is he applying for a variation? Has he lost his job? If there was a legitimate reason I suppose I would wind my neck in a bit

Not at all. Can you afford to pay the mortgage without his maintenance or is it just required to qualify for the mortgage amount?

He’s had another child basically is the reason. But that’s only relevant if you’re going through CMS not to court ordered.

He has one of our children more than he did at the time of the order, but the other one less so I don’t think that’s a good reason as it equals out

For a short while I was earning a bit more but it was a temporary cover and I’ve got back to old job as before. He’s now been promoted permanently.

Can sort of pay the mortgage but would have nothing spare

I don’t really want to have no life at all

I don’t really want to live in the expensive area we live in, this was his choice. He wanted us to stay living around the corner from him, but I can’t afford that and to have sufficient space on half the maintenance.

Maintenance. Why is he applying to vary? My position would be you pay sum as per court order. It’s not optional he’s in breach of a court order. I appreciate enforcement is more difficult though.
I’d not tell him anything routine re children’s health unless he needs to know for their sake.
How old are they? They will eventually vote with their feet.
He sounds awful.

Move? There’s presumably no requirement to live at x location. Actions have consequences - moving is natural if your income is cut.
Why is child there more? Is it their choice. If your contact is court ordered I’d be inclined to stick to that then he can’t use it against you.

I’m considering moving. Eldest would be upset as she’s settled in her secondary school. She might even stay with him although this would be a very bad idea as he doesn’t support her emotionally at all!

My ex husband also does the critical thing in a back handed sort of way my god if you forget to supply my sons book bag on his access time you may as well report me to social services After six years I have come to a place where I will always hate the fucker but I can also laugh the pedantic jumped up polyester suit wearing ways off Plus hardly ever seeing him as he picks and drops at school helps and having minimal contact via email Just to say I do relate!!

Eldest is there more than she was because she got fed up carting all her school stuff back and forth, so only wants to move once a week. It’s not quite 50:50 though as she often comes back earlier than she’s due to, plus i still pay for all school lunches, school coat, school shoes etc, majority of hobbies, any school extras. She comes back with a week’s worth of emotional baggage unload though as he doesn’t do emotional support. So altogether it makes my life harder her being there more!

Youngest is with me more than he was as he dislikes being there on Sunday evenings in particular, and exh always very keen to bring him home despite agreement that weekend contact went on til Monday . This never really happened anyway.

And from time to time both will refuse to go altogether!

Thanks everyone btw! Very helpful comments!

Omg op i feel your pain. It is so fking unfair.

The above makes me sound like such a wet lettuce! The living round the corner does make it so easy for kids to just drift back her though

I’m aware this is nearly all me posting but to answer a poster, they are 13 and almost 8

I so understand op. The snide digs and fake parenting. Apparently the kids do suss it out. We just have to wait. Is your 13 year old starting to realise?

My 13 yo has realised for a while! She does want to have some time with him though, but just hates the tooing and froing, which I get. She’s pretty self sufficient practically speaking (can do her own washing there etc) but obviously needs emotional support as all teens do.

She also likes spending time with her step mum (who is nice) and baby brother, which I get, but SM is sensibly in more of a “friend/ cousin/ auntie” role than doing any parenting.

“Fake parenting” is a brilliant way of putting what exh does.

Court order has to be abided by and he has to go back to court to amend this.

Good for you op for not letting him away with this, keep a note of how much he owes and don't let him away with a penny off it. New child or not he still has to pay for his children with you. He had 9 months to sort his finances and your children still need a roof over thier heads etc.

exdp pulled this one with me and had to repay 4k before the judge would even look at him reducing his payments.

As for any minor health appointments for the children don't tell him anything if he is kicking up a fuss. unless they are not well when he is supposed to see them tell him nothing if he wants to know he can ask you.

Blank his criticism the children will soon make up thier own minds about whether they want to spend time with him or not and no judge is going to force a child to spend time with someone that they don't like. 17 year old dd was let down too many times by ex and made her own mind up at 13 to not bother with him if he wasn't making the effort with her, he has barely contacted her all this year except for posting miss you crap on Facebook too look like dad of the year 🙄.

If the maintenance is towards your mortgage can you ask your mortgage provider for a 3 month break, if you have good evidence that your finances have been cut suddenly they should be able to do something to ease the burden for you.
Best of luck op.

Thanks @irrate that’s all really good advice and really helpful to know.

I hope the Judge does the same - orders him to pay a lump sum before they’ll even look at it. I found out that the courts do have the power to order a retrospective variation which I think is crap - why should men (mostly) be able to argue for a variation when they didn’t even go through the proper process?

Hi op,

For variations in maintenance court ordered it has to go to court again and you have to be agreement if you haven't been summonsed to court yet then he should still be paying the full amount.
My judge threw the book at my ex I nearly laughed in court he tried to hide a really big redundancy payment, he was made redundant before Xmas so I let him stop the maintenance to give him time to sort his redundancy and get a new job and he right royally took the piss fobbing me off for 8 months till an acquaintance let slip about everyone had they payments back in February...all bets were off then no more miss nice irrate 😉

I hope you get sorted soon x

Thanks @irrate I really appreciate it!

Just annoyed it’s taking so long to get to court tbh