Dealing with difficult ex

[pandaeyes44]

My ex and I share a ds10. We split when he was a baby. Our relationship was very toxic. Lots of awful rows, some physical fights. Ex was controlling, financially abusive and never ever wrong. He would nag, lie and manipulate until he got his own way with anything. It was draining and my personality changed while I was with him. It left me very anxious.

10 years on we get on ok. He has always been consistent in ds life. We are both remarried, kids on both sides and on the whole everyone gets along. However on the occasions ex and I do disagree it brings all my anxiety flooding back. I have woken up this morning with that old feeling of anxiety and sickness in the pit of my stomach after a disagreement last night. He was texting me for hours, weedling away until he got the answer he wanted. Im pregnant at the moment and could feel myself getting so stressed.

I just don't know why he still has this effect on me. I presume it's old feelings coming back and also the fact that having to share my precious son with him means that on some level I will never be totally free of his bullshit. I also worry for my son having to deal with his manipulation and temper as he gets older and more independent and starts challenging things dad says and wants.

Not sure of the point of this post really. Just wondered if anyone else has been through similar. It's really hard having to negotiate with someone like this. I need to take control and be more assertive and not let it affect me so much, but how?

Ask for all contact to be by email or a phone call on a set day. Messages only to be used for simple updates like "I'm running late". Ignore anything that escalates.

There's a technique called "grey rock" often talked about on here used for dealing with people like him.

Please remember it's been a decade;he's no longer your DH;he has zero control over you or your life.You have the right and the power to say no.

Also remember in a few years time your child/youngest child by him will be 18 and you no longer have to have anything to do with him if you don't want to.

Why were you texting him for hours? It’s easy enough to just not reply

I get drawn into these debates with him. I know it would be better to ignore but I feel like I can't settle until there's a resolution.

He has no control over me but he does still have rights over my son and his upbringing and I suppose that still feels like control because my son means everything to me.

I block him on all channels except email (which is filtered so it’s not sat there in my inbox). 99% of messages can be answered with 👍.

I think he does still have control if he’s able to get you to text him for hours, I wouldn’t have responded and blocked.

@KiloWhat

Ask for all contact to be by email or a phone call on a set day. Messages only to be used for simple updates like "I'm running late". Ignore anything that escalates.

I agree with this, but I'd limit all contact to email only.

Limit contact to only being about contact. If he doesn't listen and still tries to strike up conversations about other shit, then block.

The police told me at that age, if your child has a phone then you don't even need to be in the picture anymore. Dad can simply text child to say he will be there at x time and that's the end of that.

So if your child has a phone could that be an option?

Thats what I done with my ex because he wouldn't listen and kept being a dick. I told him to arrange contact with ds from now on and blocked him.

My son doesn't have a phone and not sure I would want him to have the responsibility of planning contact with his dad.

I think the thing is that 90% of the time things are ok. We all get on. His wife has helped me make food for birthday parties before. We can all get together to watch his rugby matches and things like that. And this dynamic has benefitted my son. So it's not that I want to spoil that but when this unreasonable side of him crops up again it just drains me.

I think now ds is getting older it would be better to reduce contact though. I will still be civil but that's it and if or when he starts I just need to learn to ignore. Sometimes the things he comes out with are so stupid I can't help myself arguing back though

@pandaeyes44

My son doesn't have a phone and not sure I would want him to have the responsibility of planning contact with his dad.

I think the thing is that 90% of the time things are ok. We all get on. His wife has helped me make food for birthday parties before. We can all get together to watch his rugby matches and things like that. And this dynamic has benefitted my son. So it's not that I want to spoil that but when this unreasonable side of him crops up again it just drains me.

I think now ds is getting older it would be better to reduce contact though. I will still be civil but that's it and if or when he starts I just need to learn to ignore. Sometimes the things he comes out with are so stupid I can't help myself arguing back though

I have a very similar situation op, it takes a bit of practice and will power not to engage in nonsense but your anxiety and peace of mind will improve if you can let things go. I have started sending 1 factual, calm response then I block him until things have calmed down.

I often find we are able to resolve things better in person strangely.