To be thinking this much about an old flame

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 11/01/2022 09:21

I don't think this will end very well.

You think he's gorgeous and are thinking about him all the time, hoping you'll bump into him.

You want to apologise to resolve any guilt you have and spark a conversation, whereas he is happy and moved on with his life.

For the sake of your marriage you should probably unfollow him and keep him as a fond memory.

nomoneytree · 11/01/2022 09:23

What she said

Subulter · 11/01/2022 09:29

I think you're retrospectively romanticising a teenage romance with a troubled kid, and emphasising your own 'bad behaviour' (which doesn't sound in any way bad) in order to give yourself an excuse for getting back in touch.

He's not an 'old flame', he's just someone you used to go to school with and went out with for a bit, and that your friends thought was a bad idea.

Not only is there no need to get in touch to apologise, I'd actually think it was a really bad idea. Focus on your own life, and why a teenage boyfriend (how long ago was this?) is taking up so much of your headspace.

DrSbaitso · 11/01/2022 09:33

He's happy. The way you treated him was hardly the worst thing he had to deal with, plus you were 15 years old...none of us would have any friends if we held each other responsible as adults for the twats we were at 15. I can barely remember the boys I went out with then.

There's no reason to contact him for his sake, he's happy. What's happening with you that YOU need to?

girlmom21 · 11/01/2022 09:37

You were kids but a message like that now could be taken in the wrong way by either of your spouses and could come across as patronising and condescending tbh

BasketBlocks · 11/01/2022 09:44

I don’t see how this is going to end well. Unfollow, keep him as a memory and push on.

RainbowBridge21 · 11/01/2022 09:48

Quite honestly I think you should leave him alone. Don't send him any weird messages that would be totally unfair.

Juancornetto · 11/01/2022 09:50

I think you should leave well alone. Also watching SM stories isn't anonymous so he'll know you're doing it

Joined4this · 11/01/2022 10:29

I went through this a few years ago. I matured worked through my emotions and realised that due to numerous factors, I wasn’t nice to good people and was attracted to people who treated me terribly and reinforced my own low opinion of myself. I was overwhelmed with the urge to say sorry and to explain it was me not them. It’s about working through emotions and gaining perspective with adult eyes. If it’s any consolation most of us have both hurt people and been hurt. If you want to say sorry- send him one message making it about him not you and explaining you don’t expect anything from him back. I remember seeing a childhood friend who was also bullied as a happy, successful adult with a wife and family and being absolutely delighted for him. I never said anything though- it was enough that he was obviously feeling great.

FlasherMcGruff · 11/01/2022 10:31

You are both married. The fact that you are noticing that’s he’s gorgeous should be ringing alarm bells. Stop kidding yourself that you just want to explain decisions you made as a 15 year old. You want to get in touch to see if you still feel anything / have regrets when you start to get to know him again. You are thinking of going into it from an angle which is not entirely as a friend, it’s as an ex with feelings of attraction. That’s not fair on your partner or his.

Original poster

IcyBlonde15 · 11/01/2022 13:36

girlmom21 I actually think you are right thinking about it now if someone sent me a message like that I would take it as “I am surprised you’ve done well I didn’t think you’d amount to much” and probably find it offensive

OP posts:

FreshandLively · 11/01/2022 13:42

I think you have to try and be genuinely pleased things have worked out well for him, but stay well well away.

If you care about him you wouldn't want to risk messing up what he has now.....would you?

VickyEadieofThigh · 11/01/2022 15:04

I've known for a couple of years now that the first serious boyfriend I had (aged 18-21, last saw him when I was 22 and I'm now 63) is single and living back at his parents' former house, which I'm assuming he inherited.

Much as I would like to contact him, just for old time's sake, I will not do so - because I'm happily married to my female partner and couldn't do anything that might disturb or risk that.

You need to leave this be.

BlueRoseInBloom · 11/01/2022 15:47

Leave him and his happy family alone.

You have no place starting drama is his life just because you fancy him now that he's cleaned himself up and made a bit of money.

Hawkins001 · 11/01/2022 16:42

@IcyBlonde15

I know how crazy I sound and I’m very much ready to be told IABU, but I wouldn’t dare tell anyone in real life so here goes. Backstory, I am married and I had a boyfriend at 15 who I absolutely adored. He had an appalling home life, his mother was an alcoholic and he was teased a lot about this and his father took his own life and he was the one who found him. He was a bit wayward and struggled with dyslexia which he was bullied for at school too. I really liked him, but my friends all thought he was bad news and urged me to dump him, so being young and an idiot I did. We stayed friends for a long time after though and got back together in “secret” a few times because I didn’t want anyone knowing and told him so. I know how stupid. He was always lovely to me despite me being a massive twat to him and contact came to a natural end after we left school. Out of the blue, he sent a follow request on SM. I was curious to see what he’s like now and am pleased to see he has done very well, runs a small business, is married, has children, and is even more gorgeous than he used to be. I’ve found myself thinking about him a lot and watching all his SM stories. He lives not a million miles away and I keep hoping I will bump into him. He hasn’t tried to DM or speak to me on SM and I am considering reaching out to tell him I’m happy for him and I’ve always felt bad about the way I treated him? Would this be a totally bad idea? I know it can’t be normal to think this much about someone from the past but I do think of him fondly and I am ashamed of how I treated him. I love my dh and certainly feel guilty about how much I’ve thought about this ex and I know he would be hurt, I just can’t seem to help it! Feel like a bad person all over again !

Not sure what the best to advise,

I'm sorta similar situation, in the sense of
Split with a lovely lady, and parted ways, she then met another person got married and had two children, I've tried to reconnect just the friendship side with her being married, but that was rejected, we have had the odd conversation a few years after that olive branch attempt, and as the current situation stands , is carry on with my plan, then if the lady every was single again, then if she offered the Olive branch, id accept but until then, if we had communications while she's married, id rather not risk being the person that split the family apart.

Original poster

IcyBlonde15 · 11/01/2022 21:23

Hawkins001 what did you say when you first contacted her? Her husband perhaps didn’t like it if he knew you were an ex

OP posts:

Hawkins001 · 12/01/2022 06:45

@IcyBlonde15

Hawkins001 what did you say when you first contacted her? Her husband perhaps didn’t like it if he knew you were an ex

That's what I wondered, was if he had an influence in the decision, It was the usual how you been , ect then when went to add on Facebook, I suggested the idea of rebuilding the friendship then a day or two after the idea was rejected.

PermanentTemporary · 12/01/2022 06:51

I think it's pretty normal to have times when things from the past stay in your head but it's more about how your life is at the moment. I would leave well alone.

Sparklfairy · 12/01/2022 07:00

You clearly have unresolved guilt for how you treated him, but that is for you to work through, don't drag him into it.

I have an ex from over 10 years ago. He took the break up very badly but is now married with children and happy. He gets in touch now and then and we're friendly. Recently though I got a message out of the blue apologising for something he did during our relationship. It was a big deal at the time but fgs it was years ago, I had all but forgotten about it. It actually annoyed me that he was thinking so much about it and felt it appropriate to message to absolve himself of delayed guilt. How would his wife feel if she ever saw the message? So much could be read into it (even though I will never see him again, much less get back with him!).

You need to reconcile with yourself and process your feelings, accept you were young and forgive yourself for past mistakes.

Subulter · 12/01/2022 09:02

You clearly have unresolved guilt for how you treated him

I actually don't think this is entirely true -- I think the OP is thinking a lot about her old boyfriend, obsessing over his SM posts, hoping she will bump into him locally, and is using the idea of apologising for her treatment of him in the distant past as a 'legitimate' reason to get in touch.