to not wait for no-fault divorce?

[ChicaZurafa]

Separated in the summer (two young children) at DHs instigation but found out he'd been having an affair. Am devastated by the lies. The fact he's suffered no consequences feels really unfair. He's been monumentally insensitive since we separated (can't give detail as would be outing).
I know the mature and collaborative approach would be to wait until April and I think this is what he's waiting for. But ultimately I blame him and his betrayal for the breakdown of our marriage and wonder whether filing on the grounds of adultery might help me feel less powerless in a way. Especially interested in thoughts from anyone who divorced on grounds of adultery. What are the cons of not waiting? If we wait for no fault does he have to get my agreement to divorce or could he just file for no-fault on 1 April?

You can’t divorce him on grounds of adultery unless he’ll officially admit to it. Also not sure if you have to name the other party. That’s my understanding anyway. Probably more straightforward to wait until April if you want a quick divorce.

You do need proof but no name necessary..
Imo whatever is cheapest. Remember he won't be so attractive when he is paying Cms and parenting his dc.

Not sure he'd contest to be honest as I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to stay married to me. But I guess he might really hate me for not waiting until it can be done on a 'no fault' basis.

I am waiting till April.
Better not to go for adultery as the other person then is party to the divorce so more expensive and public.

I'd understood there's no need to name the OW when filing on adultery grounds and they don't need to be involved. It's currently £593 to file. Not sure whether no-fault will be significantly cheaper. I think my dilemma is more about wanting to put on the record he's at fault, but will I regret fanning the flames of conflict because he'll be angry I didn't wait for no-fault process? I feel like I want to name his responsibility for breaking our marriage.

I felt the same and went for adultery grounds. It meant a lot to me to have the reasons and fault official in some way as marriage meant a lot to me. I didn't have to name OW. I was also able to get Ex to pay for the costs and petition as he was at fault. I did need evidence and Ex did admit it but try to get emails and texts in case.

You will be very hurt for a while and go through the whole grief process but I promise in a while you will be glad to be rid of him..

@ChicaZurafa - I feel your pain BUT do not go after him just to teach him a lesson and fan the flames.

April is not that far away now.

He did betray you, you know that, those who mean the most to you know that.
It’s important for everyone, but especially your kids that you come out of this emotionally strong. Will that happen if you pursue fault? If so go for it.
He’s your children’s father, you will have to work together for decades to come. Will making him pay be the best outcome for your children?
You don’t want your children to see you as a doormat or pushover, and neither do you want them to see you shredded by fighting for fault. Only you know the circumstances and yourself well enough to decide a trajectory, but those are the things to consider

3 of my friends have recently got divorced. Friend A was divorced on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. She fought it and they now have a terrible coparenting relationship and it cost thousands. Friend B was also divorced on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Some of the things listed were awful, but they have to be "bad enough" for the court to accept the divorce. Friend B basically wrote a statement on their response sheet saying they denied the allegations however didn't wish to contest the divorce. Friend C waited about 3 years and jointly went for the separated option.

At the end of the day, they are all divorced and the reasons mean why sweet FA apart from a piece of paper filed away somewhere. As a previous poster said, you know the reasons and the people who care about you know the reasons. Divorcing him for adultery won't change anything, it's not going to make him admit fault and he won't have to declare to everyone he's a massive prick why he's divorced.

My late dp wasn't named on my divorce even though exh divorced me for adultery, I could have divorced him for unreasonable behaviour but my solicitor told me it would take longer & I just wanted it over, we separated mid May & decree nisi was mid October. My divorce had to be through a different court to where I lived as my local court insisted on my dp being named & I had agreed to him divorcing me on the agreement my partner wasn't named.

@Didkdt you've summed up the decision I have to make. I guess what I don't know and what I'm trying to get a sense of is how much heavier going the process will be with adultery as opposed to no- fault divorce.
I think he's unlikely to defend and I'm unlikely to name OW. I'm not telling the world what he's done but I do hold him responsible for breaking our relationship and our family.
@Nat6999 did you feel angrier with your DH for citing adultery? Do you think it would have been easier if you'd waited u til you'd been separated for 2 years or did you not really care by that point?

My eXH divorced me on the grounds of adultery and the OM didn’t need to be named.

I didn’t contest it partly because I felt the guilt of what I’d done and felt that I should be held responsible, I did the same with the financial settlement. But also my affair was a catalyst which ended an emotionally abusive marriage on his part, so while I could have gone back, the affair for me gave me the courage to leave, even though the OM was gone by then.

It makes absolutely no difference to anyone but you though.

We are doing the 2 year wait thing, well it's 3 and he still hasn't bothered filing, I'm refusing to sort it as he instigated

Might have to do it myself if i want to remarry

Hello

Take a look at this link as it may help you decide:
www.mediateuk.co.uk/ultimate-guide-to-the-no-fault-divorce-law/

On adultery the other party is never named, it does not cost any more or less (unless contested) and the other party needs to admit to the adultery. You must also have found out about the adultery within six months of petitioning for divorce.

Can be advantages to waiting until 6th April - but just bear in mind an awful lot of people are as well, so there will be a bit of a log jam.

I work for a family mediation service just fyi. I hope that helps.

Most solicitors advise against adultery as grounds because you have to be able to prove penis-in-vagina which is not easy to do - for an example an 'emotional affair' is not adultery, neither is kissing nor meeting in secret. Unless you know for sure he won't contest it and will happily tick the box saying he admits it. You can name the other person if you want to, there is a section for that, but again solicitors advise against it.

In most similar scenarios, they'd advise you to use unreasonable behaviour and cite his adultery as one of the reasons.

In terms of how much 'heavier' it would be? It won't be, all of them are a tick box, form-filling exercise unless someone decides to contest.

ChicaZifura I just wanted it over ASAP, I hated him for what he had done to me. Ds is 18 in 2 weeks time & then I will revert back to my maiden name & the last link to my marriage will be broken.

It was important to me to put adultery on the divorce petition. My solicitor advised against it and said to go for unreasonable behaviour with inappropriate relationship with a member of opposite sex. In the end I instructed them to issue the petition with adultery but if ex hadn't signed within 6 weeks to change to unreasonable behaviour. Ex huffed and puffed but did sign. I didn't name OW as it would have cost more and I don't think she would have admitted it.

It's true 20 years on we are divorced so outcome is the same but I have no regrets and think psychologically it helped me to document his "crime"

I would if you have evidence, not only for the reasons you have already stated, but because I reckon the courts will be very busy when no fault divorces comes in.

I completed an adultery lead divorce in 2020. I did not need to name the third party (I was advised that I could but it may slow the process as adds another party to the mix) and I also didn't provide any proof.

I wrote a concise and detailed account in the initial application and EXH (because he's a moron) signed it without taking any legal advice. Although I appreciate this benefited me. I was expecting to have to provide evidence but it didn't transpire that way.

Please note that the filing fee is literally just that - it doesn't allow for any other costs. I.e. solicitors/financial advisors etc. If you have children and property you will of course need to explore this separately.

As a side note I was tempted at the time to name and shame OW but in hindsight glad I didn't as I feel I would have just appeared bitter. However I am glad I filed for adultery - I don't know what that means for him in future but similarly I feel I was clawing back a bit of control.

That and keeping my house. And two years later being happier and more at peace in my own head than I had been for a decade.