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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn’t the obvious solution?

23 replies

RedCandyApple · 10/01/2022 12:23

Ex doesn’t see our children. He hasn’t bothered really since we split up 4 years ago, he’s seen them a few times over the 4 years but always just fades but out again.

The last time he was seeing them was at my house, this was during Covid/lock downs etc where most things were closed so I was on with that as a temporary set up, he lives 2 hours away from me and isn’t willing to have them overnight, he was seeing them EOW for a few hours (his choice he doesn’t not want to have them overnight) so no point them travelling 4 hours in one day. He was always aware that this was temporary. When things started opening up again I told him he would now have to take the children out for the day as him coming to mine was no longer working as an option (to be honest we don’t really have a good relationship and him being in my house was making me feel uncomfortable and also confusing the children) he did this a few times but his idea of taking them out was to take them to the park on the corner of my road for an hour and bring them home. Slowly he stopped bothering to do this as I don’t think he thought it was worth travelling all the way down here to take them to the park for an hour (when he said he would take them out for the day I thought he literally meant the day not one hour but apparently I was wrong) slowly he started fading out again and making up excuses not to come down, first it was he’s isolating so he can’t come, this seemed to be constant, then it was when one of my children had to isolate (back when children had to isolate if someone in their class tested positive) I told him the other children didn’t need to isolate and would appreciate a day out as they were trapped indoors otherwise he still wouldn’t see them as he didn’t want to risk it 🤷‍♀️

Anyway it became clear he was just making up excuses so contact stopped again (I think he wanted me to give in and allow him back into mine) anyway he hasn’t seen them in a long time now which has been his choice. He wants to see them again but I’m not sure how it can work, I posted on another parent group asking what would be reasonable and how we can make it work and I was told I should meet him half way (so travel 2 hours) and then “do my own thing” whilst he has the kids, apparently that’s the most obvious solution. So I will have to stand around on the street for however long he wants to see them? I have nothing to do and nowhere to go. Aibu to think that it isn’t an obvious solution And that no one would do this as a long term situation? (maybe a short term thing till he can come up with something better) but I don’t think he’s reasonable long term. (Ex isn’t willing to move closer as he “doesn’t like my area”)

OP posts:
Original poster
RedCandyApple · 10/01/2022 12:27

Just to add if he was having them overnight I would happily meet half way/share travel but that is not the case here.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 10/01/2022 12:33

I wouldn't be doing that because he hasn't made any effort with his children. He needs to make the effort, see them more, put them and their needs first not his.

If he made the effort over a long period of time, put them first and was in their lives properly then I'd consider meeting him halfway but he wants it all his way. He wants to go to yours, he wants to see them when he decides he wants to see them, he doesn't want them overnight, he wants this, he wants that. It's what's best for the children not him.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 10/01/2022 12:34

I think if you've previously been accomodating which sounds like you have, letting him come round to see them in your home etc and HE is the one that moved away, you should not be responsible for travelling so he can see them.

He should travel here, take them out for the day local to you and then he can return home.

Original poster
RedCandyApple · 10/01/2022 12:41

Yes he use to come to my house but it was very uncomfortable and the children kept asking questions like why dad can’t stay over, why can’t he stay over and drop them to school in the morning (ex would have happily stayed 🙄) I started spending time in my room when he was here so there was a clear separation and so he could spend alone time with them but he didn’t like that either and told me it was “weird” and that he won’t come down to see them if I’m going to act weird

OP posts:
Catflapkitkat · 10/01/2022 12:45

So you do all the parenting yet it's still up to you to facilitate the visits. No way. People commute longer than 2 hours each way. It's doable once a week.

He needs to plan the visits properly or have them overnight. You have done enough and people shouldn't make YOU feel guilty for his feckless attitude.

Hereward1332 · 10/01/2022 12:47

Whoever moved does the travelling / hanging around. I assume it's him, in which case he has to make the trip.

Original poster
RedCandyApple · 10/01/2022 12:48

Yes he moved

OP posts:
PearlD · 10/01/2022 12:51

There's not much you can do to make up for the shortfalls of someone who doesn't want to make the necessary effort, and it is clear from his behaviour that seeing them is not a priority. I don't feel it's on you to deliver them to him. If his relationship with the children was a priority to him, how he would visit them should have been his first consideration before he moved away. You can only do what you can do, I'm in a similar position, I refuse to deliver DC to his door (now a 1.5hour round trip away) as if seeing DC was a priority he'd have factored the distance in before he moved. You can't save the kids from a crap dad unfortunately.

Velvian · 10/01/2022 12:52

He should rent an Air bnb near you EOW. Or have them overnight at his.

ProudThrilledHappy · 10/01/2022 12:55

Sounds to me like whatever you agree to he will find another excuse not to spend time with them so no need for you to put yourself out for him, you have been more than accommodating enough.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 10/01/2022 13:21

I think meeting half way is reasonable if the kids are staying overnight/ weekend at his .
If he doesn’t want to do that to me he sounds flakey and I think offering to meet up only if that stay away is fair . He has no excuse other than he doesn’t want to . It’s unreasonable if him to expect you to bring them to him or him to come to you and stay in your house . It’s overnight which most reasonable parents would welcome not the odd hour occasionally.

Original poster
RedCandyApple · 10/01/2022 15:31

I would be more than happy to share the travel if he was having overnights but I can’t hang around on the street so he can have contact, he’s never wanted over nights told me he would take them out for the day once a fortnight 🤦🏻

OP posts:
Muthalucka · 10/01/2022 16:29

What a prince. Is he paying for them?

Xmassprout · 10/01/2022 16:33

He moved so he gets to do the travelling

Original poster
RedCandyApple · 10/01/2022 16:36

No he doesn’t pay. Another reason why I resent paying money to travel to meet him half way and then what sitting in a coffee shop for hours on my own paying more money Confused or shopping spending money!

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 10/01/2022 17:10

I was holding back until you posted that he doesn't pay anything towards their upkeep.

Please put this on an official footing. Get the authorities involved. As a previous poster mentioned "it's what's best for the children, not him" so that's my advice.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 11/01/2022 18:44

He doesn’t pay , tell him to get fucked . Seriously though he needs to grow up and be responsible only then should you start agreeing anything like meeting half way for travel arrangements. He needs to contribute to his dc seek some advice op.

TracyMosby · 11/01/2022 18:50

I started spending time in my room when he was here so there was a clear separation and so he could spend alone time with them but he didn’t like that either

Sounds like he still wants you to do all the parenting even when he has them.

It’s all very controlling of him, isnt it.

If he wants contact say he can pick then up at 10am and drop them back at four, and you're going out at 10.30 and wont be back until 4pm, so he needs to make sure he is organised enough to deal with that.

He will disappear again.

violetbunny · 12/01/2022 07:17

No, no, no. Tell him that if he wants to see his kids then the onus is on him to travel. And while you're at it, tell him that you'll also be lodging a claim for child maintenance.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/01/2022 07:20

Put a claim in for CMS.
Send him a link to a nearby soft play he can take them to once a fortnight (obvs he should do his own research but needs must).

Brigante9 · 12/01/2022 07:21

Organise maintenance through the proper channels and tell him to go to court for contact.

Justleaveitblankthen · 12/01/2022 07:39

It was bad enough to read all the rest of this, but he doesn't even pay for them?!
Is he unemployed?
Looks like you have bent over backwards for your children to have a relationship with their father, while he does nothing.
It's very obvious also that he still wants a cosy set up with you in the room to co-parent. He couldn't even spend a few short hours alone with them without sulking that you-his ex- weren't there also?
He's just all kinds of wonderful isn't he?

Littlegreenfrogcake · 12/01/2022 08:24

Absolutely not to that situation, there's no way I'd do that. He moved, his job to travel or come up with solutions.

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