To think this is a recipe for PND?

[Elliephant23]

I am 33 and keen to start TTC soon and my partner is on the same page. But I am scared. We live in Scotland for work (first moved for his job in a specialised field then I found a job I like), moved a few years ago. I have really struggled with the cold, dark winters to the point of possible (undiagnosed) seasonal affected disorder. and the pandemic hasn't helped. it has been much harder to meet people and we don't have much of a social circle. Family live in southern England. So I am really worried about the realities of having a baby here without much (any?) support. We don't live in a big city but can drive to the nearest town. AIBU to let this fear of isolation and possible PND put me off even though I can feel my body clock ticking? I keep thinking 'wait until pandemic is really over' and 'maybe I will wait and we can plan
to move again'. My partner thinks we should crack on but it won't be him taking maternity leave. Does anyone have experience of a situation like this?

You need to very conciously and deliberately build a support circle if you get pregnant. Going to antinatal classes is the forst step - and seeing them as primarily a networking opportunity. Treat it like work 😜
I did that as I had dc1 in a commuter town where I knew nobody - worked brilliantly as there were other women doing the same.

Its harder if you've moved to somewhere where everyone else has lived all their lives and lives next door to their mum and down the road from their best friend from primary school obviously - easy if you've moved to a place with lots of other incomers and a fairly mobile population.

I did it again with dc2 though - arrived in a rural area where most people still live in the village they grew up in 6 months pregnant, but the second time a very outgoing toddler helped me get to know people in the playground and toddlers groups - you really have to talk to everyone. That wasn't during the pandemic though.

Overall it depends very much where you live and how outgoing you can pretend to be/ are.

You'd be relying on your partner. Will he be hands-on? Does he want to co-parent, or does he think it'll be upto you for the first five years? Could any relatives stay if needed? Does he muck in with the whole running of the house? Is he going to financially support you during maternity leave and working part time? Is he kind? Feeling that you've got to fit family in, them interfering and baby classes etc can be a recipe for PND. Some women like the space to do with their baby and time what they want.

Yes sounds like you need to work on your support network whether you have a baby here or not. It can be so hard settling in to a new place and you do need to do it consciously. Where’s your nearest big city?

We moved away from family when I was pregnant with my 3 year old and I did end up with PND. I felt lonely and isolated in a small village when I was used to living in a big city. We did it so we could afford to buy a large house because our budget just wouldn’t stretch to that in a decent area of the city. I tried going to groups when he was a few months old but it didn’t work out very well, I never got talking to anyone for longer than a minute. Then the pandemic hit and I was pregnant again, stuck at home for months. My depression has totally spiralled. I don’t know whether I’d feel better back in my home town with my family close by but I think I would personally. It isn’t just having a support network close by but being comfortable in a place you’re familiar with. I still go to groups now just to get out of the house but haven’t got past small talk with anyone. I’ve found most people already know someone there so it’s difficult to jump in with already formed friendships. You may find this if it’s a small place as well, lots of people grew up together in the area so it’s hard to jump in as an outsider.

It all depends on the person you are as well I suppose. If you’re fairly outgoing and confident it might not be such an issue. I’m shy and introverted so always find socialising difficult. Try antenatal classes if you can, that might help.

Check out things locally - you have to be assertive but there will be people like you nearby. When you’re pregnant join the local ante natal communities, parenting DH groups, etc and be the first to say “does anyone want to swap numbers” or, if the official group meets on a Tuesday, say “is anyone around for a walk in the park [or whatever] on Friday”. Someone won’t have the confidence to suggest it first, but would love to come along.

You may not make buddies for life, but you will build a structure around your days in maternity leave that can make it easier.

We moved to a new area in Jan 2020 and I had my baby in June 2020. Family were five hours away. My husband deployed when the baby was 10 days old. I’d always lived on my own before so it was a new experience being in married quarters. It was hard but I worked to make sure I was always as busy as I could be.

Mush and Peanut were great and I found lots of ladies that I could go on walks with who had babies similar ages. Baby classes opened in the September and I went to at least one a day, I think having a structure and something to look forward to really helped.