Emotional unavailable ILs

[HobgoblinGold]

I am estranged from my whole family so that leaves my husbands family.

I find his parents really difficult. Both parents are emotionally unavailable and this has caused my husband a lot of issues which has lead him to therapy several times over the years. Conversation is always superficial. I try to have deeper conversations with them, actively ask about there lives - but it is not reciprocated. I feel emotionally burnt out after being with them, as though they are vacuous, just absorbing any type of emotionality out of any conversation.

However, owing to my own background which has lead me to estrangement i am unsure as to how to navigate this?

So aibu? If so - how? Or do you have similar experiences?

Mine are the same. I've kept it at light chit chat and DH does any serious stuff. I believe they are as vacuous as they appear and 15+ years of scratching the surface hasn't shown me depths that make me want to dig deeper. Polite superficial chit chat till they die. Fine by me.

@Chimley

Thanks for replying. I know I'm putting more expectation on them because of my own shitty family. I just can't understand how parents can be so ‘empty’. My husband/there son had an MI just before Christmas - they didn't ask once how he was. How? No questions about anything in my life? Nothing about the kids - school, nursery, the fact that DD was projectile vomiting over Christmas - nothing? How?

I think you're being a bit harsh. Some people are brought up in a way that means they keep their private or deep thoughts to themselves. It doeant mean they dont have feelings, it just means they feel very uncomfortable sharing them and this was much more common in the past when 'just getting on with things' and 'not making a fuss' etc were seen as positive qualities. You're not going to change them now. So accept them for what they are or move on. Sorry I know that sounds harsh but for your own sanity you probably need to find a way of accepting it

Yep there are some people who are simply not interested in other people. There are also people who keep themselves to themselves and don't like talking about anything personal. DH found out by accident from a nurse treating his DM for something else that she'd been taking anti-fitting medication since before he was born! Kind of wish she'd told us before allowing her to look after young children unsupervised! But not my circus not my monkeys.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

This is pretty much my husbands approach with them. I know I find it difficult to let go I things. I also know I also have a crap compass of go to deal with difficult family dynamics. I don't have anything ‘normal’ to go off if that makes sense?

Keeping thing superficial is inauthentic for me, I am someone who likes to connect with people by getting to know them - otherwise whats the point? I actually dont know how to be superficial without appearing rude? If it's work colleagues- tvi is fine, but family?

@Chimley

‘Not my circus - not my monkeys’

I think I put more onus on them because there all I have, and theyre pretty crap tbh.

Yeah mine are like that. Never ask us any questions, zero interest when DP tells them his news/achievements. They probably couldn't tell you what I do for a job, or anything else really about me, 7 years in. I don't care that they aren't interested in me but think its so sad for DP that they take no joy or interest in him. My way of coping is to see them as little as possible and when we do see them I just play with DD and barely speak to them. I get really fed up making all these efforts at starting conversation by asking about their lives only for them to reply and then..silence again. I often wonder how they function in other areas of life like hobbies or friendships.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Sorry - shocking typos! Why is there no est function?

This is pretty much my husbands approach with them. I know I find it difficult to let go of things. I also know I also have a crap compass of how to deal with difficult family dynamics. I don't have anything ‘normal’ to go of, if that makes sense?

Keeping things superficial is inauthentic for me, I am someone who likes to connect with people by getting to know them - otherwise whats the point? I actually dont know how to be superficial without appearing rude? If it's work colleagues- then fine, but family?

I'm LC with my family so have an understanding of that too.

But your ILs life was carrying on before you came on the scene. It's not you, it's them. Once you change your expectations to be more realistic (Mo Gawdat Solve for Happiness is big on expectations getting in the way of happiness) then you'll feel less disappointment. They aren't rejecting conversation with you. You could be anyone. They don't do meaningful with anyone but themselves. Your husband's therapy is testament to that.

@Walesrecommendations

I'm slowly coming to the conclusion this is what ill have to do moving forward. We went round this evening and I have left feeling absolutely crap because it was just so hollow. It just makes me sad, because I don't have my own family either. It just gets lonely.

@Chimley

Thanks for the book rec - it's in my Amazon basket.

Thanks for the insight too - really helpful. I hadbt thought of it like that. I guess part of me had taken it/them personally.

I mean this kindly, but why do you care? I can see why it would be difficult for your husband but why do you feel the need to be close to your ILs? I personally would not feel the need for that sort of intimacy with my husband's family (in fact when I was married I actively avoided it).

I agree with @DrinkFeckArseBrick that they are very unlikely to change, they are clearly very uncomfortable with it and there probably isn't much to be gained from prodding them to do so. But I also think it may be a bit unrealistic to expect to have that level of closeness to people whom you only know through marriage.

Do you have other people that you can get that kind of emotional engagement from?

Because you see superficial conversation as inauthentic. You pride yourself on your authenticity I imagine? (I'm currently reading Atlas of the Heart Brené Brown)

I imagine it's also hard for your husband not to take it personally but again it's on them not him/you.

@thepeopleversuswork

I definitely overcompensate with DH mum and dad because I am estranged from my whole family. My mum died when I was 2 and my dad was abusive.

I guess in a nutshell - they're not my people.

@Chimley

I don't see superficial conversation as inauthentic - of course for some people this is just the way they are. I guess I'm struggling with how fanily, especially a mum and dad, can be like this?

@Chimley

Another interesting book choice - also popped in the basket.

@thepeopleversuswork

'Do you have other people that you can get that kind of emotional engagement from?'

Not wanting to sound completely pathetic - I have never been parented. I guess I was hoping/trying for them to do this. I seriously mourn never having parents. A loving mum and dad - what does that feel like?

I think that is part of the problem. You're still looking for a parent figure. But as an adult that isn't going to happen.

Definitely just accept them as they are and that that is what they have to give.

But also consider counselling. I have found it so helpful. I was constantly looking for a "parent" too as I didnt have one and recognising I was trying to put that on people has helped.

@WoodenReindeer

I know you're absolutely right. I know I've been doing this. I'm also crushingly self destructive and can ruminate on ideas.