Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Do you think I'm being petty

13 replies

Bennylafitte · 09/01/2022 22:12

My ex DP and I keep in touch for the sake of the DC's and as far as I'm aware he's good with the kids as in they're happy to go to their dads I don't really hear of anything bad happening. I will say that both DC have SEN and one cannot speak.

But unless he is getting his own way with me he is horrible and if anything bad happens he uses it to his advantage and always tries to find a way to hold on to the DC's. I feel it's to control and have a sense of power over me, keep me in my place essentially. There are quite a lot of back stories and I obviously can't explain everything but he will shout at me in voicenotes, tell me his family would "love to get their hands on me" for example buying my SEN child who has absolutely no sense of danger and low muscle tone so get tired easily a new buggy.

The most recent thing that has happened is I got covid, I am immunosuppressed and we were never sure how it was going to effect me, my ex lives quite a distance away and because of multiple things if something went wrong I wouldn't have any one to keep the DC's. My ex came and picked up the kids and kept them while I was unwell, he also asked me for money for because he was struggling after Christmas over the course of a week I gave him £110 he then asked for more money and I said "look my isolation is finished, to take the strain off I'll come pick up the kids"
He was not happy with this, decided to call the police when I arrived and tell them I had an extra day of isolation, I didn't.
The police's response was look let them stay tonight and tomorrow he won't have an argument. Anyway this weekend I kept them home with me, and my Mum feels like I should get a court order in place so he only has them once a month. I don't think this is fair, I think the current situation of him having them at the weekend while I'm working, works well but I just don't want the abuse anymore I don't want to have to deal with him. So I'm kind of siding with my mum but it also feels unfair to the kids and I'm at a bit of a crossroads. I'd also have to give up work.
I'm so sorry this is so long but I just need it off my chest, a bit of support and maybe some outsiders insight

OP posts:

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 09/01/2022 22:51

Your ex demands money for having his own children for a few days and called the police on you? WTF.

What is the current arrangement with money and shared access? You mention weekends, does he have them every weekend? If that works for both of you, just get that agreed via a court order along with the money he should be giving you as RP.

Theunamedcat · 09/01/2022 22:56

Can you still get live with orders? So he can't do this again?

Are they at school?

Briarshollow · 09/01/2022 23:03

Why see you minimising what a total cunt he is?

Original poster

Bennylafitte · 09/01/2022 23:09

@Briarshollow

Why see you minimising what a total cunt he is?

I'm just sick of complaining about him it's been going on so long now, we were together from I was 16 until 27 I'm 32 now and I'm just tired.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bennylafitte · 09/01/2022 23:12

@Theunamedcat

Can you still get live with orders? So he can't do this again?

Are they at school?

I've always been scared of going down the official route he can be persuasive when he wants to be. But I think now might be time.

They are at school he told the police officers that I had another day of isolation (as I said I didn't) and if I took them back they would be going into a SEN school and possibly infecting them all 🙄

OP posts:

FairytaleOfLancashire · 09/01/2022 23:14

A court order should take all the stress out of contact arrangements. Just make sure you dot the i's and cross the t's on non term-time contact, my ex has tried to misread, misinterpret, and manipulate our court order - to the point of mansplaining to the woman who wrote it (my solicitor) about what it meant!
All in all though, it's been a godsend, and well worth the money. We got an order by consent, so agreed to Co tact and just asked the court to make it legally binding

Original poster

Bennylafitte · 10/01/2022 00:00

I feel so alone when dealing with him and that no one else sees what I have to listen to or put up with.

I also feel like a court order would give him some kind of leverage over me. He'd find a way to use it to his advantage.

OP posts:

RedCandyApple · 10/01/2022 00:03

The first paragraph of your op says

But the rest of your post totally contradicts this!

Original poster

Bennylafitte · 10/01/2022 00:12

@RedCandyApple

The first paragraph of your op says

But the rest of your post totally contradicts this!

Could you clarify the contradictions?

We do keep in touch. Doesn't mean it's friendly communication all the time.

The DC are happy to go to their dads.
His abuse is mainly directed at me.

OP posts:

RedCandyApple · 10/01/2022 00:25

Well if he’s abusive to you then he’s not a good dad, also you say nothing bad happened then go on to list various bad things, you don’t need to be in contact with him unless it’s about the children. The start of your post made it sound like you have an amicable relationship when it’s far from it.

flowersinherhairinjune · 10/01/2022 00:46

Go to court and get a schedule put in place. He will get more than once a month as your mum suggested unless there is abuse going on. He will probably get EOW and a day in the week. Set times and then there will really be no need to communicate other than strictly about the kids.

Original poster

Bennylafitte · 10/01/2022 00:54

@RedCandyApple

But every professional... Social services, the police that were involved are of the opinion that as long as he's good to the kids it doesn't seem to matter how he treats me. "There are no welfare concerns" We are only in contact about the kids and as I said when he's getting his own way, which is the majority of the time he's amicable enough.

OP posts:

Lou98 · 10/01/2022 01:03

I do think it would be a good idea to get a court order in place, then you both know where you stand with contact and he can't keep the children, refusing to give them back to you.

However, unless there's reason to (that can be proven) a court order doesn't necessarily mean he'll only get one visit a month like your mums said. The fact he's had them every weekend until now I think it's unlikely the court will only give him one a month - it would be more likely EOW.
If every weekend works for you both and you wanted to keep it that way, you could still get it official through the courts though

Flip