Fathers child blocked me after I kicked him out, feeling a lot of regret.

[Newhere1394]

I was with my sons father for almost 10 years. I gave him a final chance after substance abuse issues getting serious, he got clean but relapsed & I had to call it a day due to the stress of the lies & fear of the relapses. He blocked me since he left 2 weeks ago & I’ve had to arrange contact with our son for a few hours through his parents. I feel so guilty that I couldn’t stand by him & support him, he was so desperate to be with us as a family during his recovery from cocaine. He is also getting on with his life having fun with friends & I am a bit of a depressed hermit. I thought I made the right choice ending things due to the addiction and the way it effected me when he was using or coming down. Did I make the right choice & do you think he will keep me blocked for a very long time due to being angry at me?

Surely the fact be blocked you is confirmation you made the right choice? What loser blocks the mother of their child

The fact that he's blocked you rather than sending you messages is a good thing. Sad that you can't see that many men would be sending angry texts blaming you for their current predicament.

I suspect he's also blocked you because he's out partying and doesn't want you to know details about where he is and who he's with.

You need to try and detach from all this. It sounds good that they grandparents are interested in contact.

You’ve done the right thing. You’re protecting your child.
His father sounds immature, blocking you because he couldn’t have his own way. My experience of a spouse with an addiction ( alcohol) is it only gets worse. He is responsible for himself and will make his own choices good or bad. You will move on from this, you’ve separated physically and now you need to separate emotionally from him.

You made the right choice.

You really did. 🌻

Do not bend over chasing after him via his family etc for contact. Do nothing! It is his job and responsibility to sort that out. Plus, perhaps it would be better that he sorts out his addiction before being in the kid's life!

He will still be using
I kicked mine out for alcohol abuse and of course he now says he doesn't drink anymore but he is full of shit, absolutely lying out his arsehole

He is proven clean and getting therapy but it doesn’t mean I think it will last as he relapsed when he was clean in therapy already which is why I kicked him out but he manages to stay clean for weeks at a time and then that’s it he uses again unfortunately! I don’t know if he will stop for a long time, this time or not. I like to be positive and think the best in people but this time I had to be cautious as it was not the first time

So obvious you made the right choice.

You need to protect your son and your mental health. The cycle of him being clean for a bit then relapsing must have sent you and your child insane. It's no way to live.

I don't doubt that getting clean is difficult but he needs to do it without dragging you and your child down. You need to try and detach from him - he was a big part of your life for a long time but you need your energy for now and the future.

If blocking you helps his recovery then you need to respect that.

You made the right decision.

His response should have been to contact you saying that he's sorry and he'll sort himself out and prove to you he can maintain it for over a year before expecting you to take him back.

Addicts rarely change, not long term and not until they hit rock bottom.

Let him arrange to see your son, that's not your job.

You are absolutely doing the right thing for your son. Blocking you just shows how childish he is.

Your son's father isn't in recovery if he relapses the moment he comes out of therapy. That means he isn't ready for recovery.

And so you and your son should not have him in your lives. Letting a recovering addict into your life is not a sensible thing to do until that person has achieved long term sobriety - we are talking a year at least, preferably more.

Contact via grandparents is acceptable. The rest of it isn't your problem. Please get some support for yourself from an organisation specialising in such things: link here. You will meet people who are just like you, you will learn coping strategies and you will learn to deal with the misplaced sense of guilt. You don't have to do it alone.

It's only been 2 weeks. I was in the same situation with my husband and the first time he got clean was "to make me happy". When he relapsed he said he didn't have a drug problem, he had a wife problem and that it was me making everyone miserable by making a big deal out of things.

I kicked him out like you did. You did the only right thing you can do in this situation. It's up to him to get clean, and it's up to you to take care of yourself and your children.

My husband went into self-destruct mode when he left. It looked like endless partying, but he knew he'd lost everything and didn't think he could get clean. It also took a while for him to accept that he did actually have a problem.

The kids and I barely saw him during that time. It was a very difficult time. You're now a single parent, you're worrying about your ex, and there's no one to take the kids at the weekend or talk to when your ex is a drug addict. I felt very alone. My children were also struggling with their dad suddenly disappearing.

You're allowed to feel angry and sad. It isn't fair and it's not the life you'd wanted, but this is how it is. He may or may not get into recovery, but that's on him. Not you. You have no control there.

What you can control is getting support for your children through school, and support for yourself. Make some changes and fresh starts. I gave my house a makeover. I reached out to friends and discovered sadly that many had had just as hard a time of things, they just hadn't said anything.

Act on the things that you CAN control.