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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Patronising or not patronising? AIBU?

50 replies

Passthegin99 · 09/01/2022 14:27

Hoping you can help me settle this argument, even if only in my head. Two parents on a train this afternoon with DS aged 3.

DS asks Parent A: Why can I see the moon and the sun at the same time today?
Parent A doesn't know the answer but knows Parent B will, so asks Parent B to tell DS. Instead Parent B answers Parent A with questions, 2 or 3 times, which Parent A tries to answer but still doesn't know why the moon is visible. At which point Parent A gets cross and Parent B says: I was just trying to help you reach the answer yourself.

Parent A is furious and accuses Parent B of being patronising. Parent B is furious that Parent A has leapt down Parent B's throat for no reason and is adamant they were not patronising.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

BurntO · 09/01/2022 14:54

Yeah it’s patronising. There’s certain topics OH is good with and certain topics I am good with. We’d never speak to each other like this even though it might feel like second nature to us, to have the answer. There’s no need.

DysmalRadius · 09/01/2022 14:55

It's an annoying way to answer questions for kids as well, to be honest. My mum was a teacher and seemed really reluctant to give up information to me, but I only remember the frustration of someone refusing to answer my questions - I don't remember learning more by being patronised.

As a result, I avoid doing this with my kids. I will sometimes ask my kids if they want a clue when they ask me something, if they have already indicated that they have a train of thought that might result in them reaching the answer by themselves, but usually they just want to know, so I tell them and we talk about it.

Skeumorph · 09/01/2022 14:55

Parent B needs to be pushed swiftly off Cliff A

How can you bear him?!

Eustonhalf · 09/01/2022 14:57

Everyone is hangry.

This could have been avoided by not speaking.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2022 15:02

@LethargicActress

Parent B sounds like a teacher and parent A sounds like they are being silly and overreacting. There was no need to get cross.

Unless partner regularly pulls this patronising crap to try and make them feel stupid

VelvetChairGirl · 09/01/2022 15:05

both idiots.

the correct answer is the moon is up too late or the sun is, go to bed sun or moon.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2022 15:06

@VelvetChairGirl

both idiots.

the correct answer is the moon is up too late or the sun is, go to bed sun or moon.

Well yes, at three poor kid doesn't want a physics lesson.

Naughty Moon!!

Original poster

Passthegin99 · 09/01/2022 15:07

@VelvetChairGirl

both idiots.

the correct answer is the moon is up too late or the sun is, go to bed sun or moon.

Dammit! If only you'd been there! Could have saved all this :)

OP posts:

Aimee1987 · 09/01/2022 15:17

Your DP was being a patronising ass. This is the type of stuff where I would have more knowledge (due to the fact that i am a scientist) but i would never speak to my DP like a child if he didnt happen to know.
Does he behave like this alot?
However as others have said you didnt need to involve your child in the disagreement. We are very strict on not disagreeing with each other in front of the kids. I grew up in a house where i was used as a go between when my parents weren't talking to each other or fighting. It's made me really bad at conflict resolution. Any kind of disagreement i see i just internalise it.

Aimee1987 · 09/01/2022 15:21

@sleepingstandingup makes a good point I remeber talking myself int knots trying to teach the concept of evolution to DSS when he was 4. It didnt go well. Perhaps sticking to the silly answers at this point would be better.

But as he got a bit older then that if there was something we didnt know we would say 'ohh that's interesting. I dont actually know, shall we see if the library has a book on it?'
Most of the time he forgot by the time we went to the library but sometimes with a prompt it would lead us to get a book on a given topic

iklboo · 09/01/2022 15:26

I've just remembered I actually said to DS: Daddy seems to be evading the question perhaps he doesn't know the answer either.

He definitely didn't know & was evading the question, hoping you'd give the answer. Then he could say 'that's right. Well done'. Patronising. Save it up for next time he asks where something is or how it works. 😂

Original poster

Passthegin99 · 09/01/2022 15:30

Agreed it's shite for DS. My parents were dreadful fighters (happy as larry now though weirdly) and it's awful. DP didn't grow up with two parents so doesn't know what it's like to have fighting parents.

So the next question is how to make him see he was patronising? Or do I have to throw this into the well of resentment along with all previous incidences and just move on? I think that may be why I get cross so quickly...

OP posts:

KittytheHare · 09/01/2022 15:34

Well you can throw it in the well for now, but at some point all of this will erupt.

mbosnz · 09/01/2022 15:35

@Passthegin99

Well, I guess you could try his technique of asking him multiple questions to 'help him get there by himself'.

If he gets cranky with that, he might like to reflect on what that might tell him about how annoying it is for it's recipient when he does it to other adults - for example, his partner. . .

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2022 15:38

Talk to him tonight.

When you do X, it makes me feel Y
When you ask me questions instead of just answering our child, it feels like you're treating me like I'm stupid. I feel patronised when you do it. Please don't treat me like that.

CSJobseeker · 09/01/2022 15:40

Parent B is a colossal, patronising dick.

SirChenjins · 09/01/2022 15:41

Has parent B been on a coaching course at work, by any chance? Colleagues of mine who have been often come out with this sort of patronising claptrap.

CSJobseeker · 09/01/2022 15:44

@VelvetChairGirl

both idiots.

the correct answer is the moon is up too late or the sun is, go to bed sun or moon.

I'm not saying this is the wrong approach, but when I was a kid I really loved it when adults took my questions seriously and gave me a serious (albeit sometimes simplified) answer. I also loved it when the adult said, "I'm not sure, shall we look it up together/get a book out of the library about it next week?"

It made me feel more inclined to ask questions, knowing that I wouldn't get a silly brush off. My parents always treated learning as an exploration, not something that started at 5 and stopped when you left school.

malmi · 09/01/2022 15:45

To be fair you would need to work out how much the other person knows to be able to meaningfully answer.

CSJobseeker · 09/01/2022 15:47

@malmi

To be fair you would need to work out how much the other person knows to be able to meaningfully answer.

Except he's answering a 3 or 4 year old. It might have come via the OP, but he knows who asked the question and where he needs to pitch it.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2022 15:48

@malmi

To be fair you would need to work out how much the other person knows to be able to meaningfully answer.

No because the person wanting the answer was a 3 yo child. The other adult doesn't need it explaining to them to explain to the three yo. Just tell them naughty moon stayed up past him bedtime or that due to the angle of the moon, earth and sun, we can still see some of the sun's light shining on the moon so we can still see it.

georgarina · 09/01/2022 15:48

Parent B was extremely patronising. Not up to them to give the other a "teaching moment." Parent A is not the child, and it's damaging to the child to see this.

malmi · 09/01/2022 15:50

Oh, I was assuming parent A did want to know the answer, otherwise they would have just made something up and be done with it.

Original poster

Passthegin99 · 09/01/2022 16:05

@SleepingStandingUp

Talk to him tonight.

Thanks. This is helpful

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2022 17:25

@malmi

Oh, I was assuming parent A did want to know the answer, otherwise they would have just made something up and be done with it.

Maybe she wanted the child to have the proper answer instead of Mr Moon is a naughty Moon and is trying to stay up as long as he can but he's going to be extra tired tonight!! ". Which is more my kind of answer tbh

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