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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday blues - am I overreacting?

26 replies

LowlandsAway · 09/01/2022 10:48

It was my birthday on weds, not a milestone - 38 - but they all feel like milestones atm. Partner of a couple of years (not DDs father) turned up with a gift of an ornament he already had in his house and went to sleep for a few hours because he was knackered from work the day before. We’d agreed not to go out for dinner as we are in a COVID hotspot but we’re going to get a nice takeaway, then he woke up so late it was impossible to get anything in our area but an Indian which I’m on the fence about but of course he loves.

AINU to still be feeling hurt and under-appreciated? He’s usually pretty good, not sure wtf happened. Am I being an ungrateful bitch over a present he already owned and a poppadom?

OP posts:
Original poster
LowlandsAway · 09/01/2022 10:49

*AIBU - obviously Blush

OP posts:
Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 09/01/2022 10:50

You should have doused him in vindaloo sauce....
Guessing he hasn't got the gist of regifting then?
When is his birthday? That spare pack of loo rolls then op?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2022 10:51

Bloody hell. Of course YANBU. He didn’t get you a present and didn’t sort you a nice meal. He did nothing. He didn’t even stay awake. He’s useless.

Ancientdreams · 09/01/2022 10:53

Omg what an insult! What did you say to the old ornament? Did he actually wrap it or just hand it to you? Nope not good enough and I would be very offended that he didn’t even act like he wanted to be in your company.

Original poster
LowlandsAway · 09/01/2022 10:53

Thank you Anne, that’s how I was feeling about it but wasn’t sure if I was being precious

OP posts:
Original poster
LowlandsAway · 09/01/2022 11:05

Ancient - it wasn’t wrapped no, just in a cardboard slip :/

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2022 11:08

You’re not being precious enough, or not expecting enough anyway. Has it made you think of him differently? Do do you want to stay with someone so disinterested in making you happy and feel appreciated?

Original poster
LowlandsAway · 09/01/2022 11:10

I am thinking of him differently yes, I feel a bit shocked and turned off.

OP posts:
CMhater · 09/01/2022 11:11

He turned up with one of his ornaments then went to sleep?
The Indian is just the cherry on top.

He doesn't value you or care about you at all.

LadyCleathStuart · 09/01/2022 11:14

Oh god yeah I would be pissed. We don't do big birthday celebrations but I at the very least expect a nice present and to choose the takeaway. I also don't get the sleeping during the day thing unless he works nights?

Restart10 · 09/01/2022 11:16

Yanbu at all. Things like this matter to me. I couldn't be with someone who is just so thoughtless.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2022 11:20

You’re right to feel that way.

BliainNua · 09/01/2022 11:21

Yanbu, that's shitAngry
What's his explanation for the ornament that he didn't even buy for you, but picked up from a shelf in his house??

Original poster
LowlandsAway · 09/01/2022 11:33

Bliain, apparently it’s something he thought I’d like Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
LowlandsAway · 09/01/2022 11:38

It is an expensive thing but tbh that’s really not the point for me.

OP posts:
Dozer · 09/01/2022 11:40

That’s shit. Do you still want to date him after so little effort?

You’re questioning yourself for being pissed off?!

Muthalucka · 09/01/2022 11:41

Yanbu

ExtraOnion · 09/01/2022 11:47

Why did you not wake him up ? Or discuss the takeaway before he went to sleep ?

What’s with the passivity ?

He didn’t stop you from ordering a takeaway, you chose to priorities his sleep, over what you wanted.

Put your needs first

Original poster
LowlandsAway · 09/01/2022 11:47

I’m questioning myself because it is still an unusual nice thing he’s given me, but it’s the lack of thought and effort about it.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/01/2022 11:47

Get rid of this fool. What is the point of him.

Original poster
LowlandsAway · 09/01/2022 11:48

Extra - I know but I would have felt awful waking him up as without being too outing his shifts are NHS and he’s under pressure atm.

OP posts:
Original poster
LowlandsAway · 09/01/2022 12:02

And re takeaway, I don’t have the money in my account at the moment, that’s why it was going to be a treat from him. I couldn’t order anything.

OP posts:
ExtraOnion · 09/01/2022 12:18

So your needs will always come last as he works in the NHS? Bullshit - plenty of women on here work in the NHS, and still manage to treat their partner with respect.

Either you are prepared to put up with stuff like this, or not.

You need to communicate your needs better, otherwise it’s just going to be years of complaining you feel unappreciated - when you have never expressed what makes you feel appreciated.

Birthdays / Valentines etc are not important to my husband - never have been. However very early on I said to him “they may not be important to you, but they are important to me, so treat them as such”. Set your stall out.

oklets · 09/01/2022 12:45

YANBU at all, I would be upset too. But if this is out of character, then maybe give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe there's something else going on. I do think you need a calm conversation and explain your feelings are hurt by the lack of effort.

RedHelenB · 09/01/2022 15:53

@ExtraOnion

Why did you not wake him up ? Or discuss the takeaway before he went to sleep ?

What’s with the passivity ?

He didn’t stop you from ordering a takeaway, you chose to priorities his sleep, over what you wanted.

Put your needs first

This.