dont want more children

[legendofdruss]

The title says it all!

Have two children already with wife. I love them but often find myself in my head remembering my old life, living alone, making great money and really enjoying life.

We have discussed number of children at length and I have been adamant on 2. My wife also agreed two and was very happy with that. It's a discussion we visited periodically both before and just after marriage.

My youngest is now 3 and it's time to get a vasectomy. I would have got one sooner but a health issue and covid prevented it. I told mywife i wanted to get the ball rolling on it. This went down like a sack of shit.

My wife announced she wants another! She said that we could keep talking about it andwould go on the pill in the meantime. I am not happy about this! Am I in the wrong?

No one is in the wrong here really.
You don’t want another one. That’s ok.
She does. That’s ok too.
But, if you really don’t want another and she does I wouldn’t advise she takes care of the contraception!
It’s your body. You can have a vasectomy without her permission. But in an adult relationship is good to discuss these things first.
You really shouldn’t be railroaded into having any more children if you don’t want them, and traditional wisdom is that the wishes of the person who doesn’t want a baby trumps those of the person who does.
But, keep in mind that this could be a real dealbreaker for her. Some women desperately want more children and would leave a relationship to pursue that need with someone else.

She’s entitled to want more and you’re entitled to not want that, but imo the person who wants to stop takes priority. Children (imo) should (ideally) be planned and wanted by both parties. I think you should either go ahead (your body, your choice) OR take full responsibility for contraception (condoms basically). Those are your choices to avoid an ‘accident’.

You are not being unreasonable and your how you feel is totally valid.
I went (and still go) through stages of, we must have a 3rd. We spent many hours talking/me crying about it. Him standing his ground and me being grumpy! Whilst I think if we did have a 3rd, my husband would in no way resent that child and we'd bring the child up the same way as we have our other 2 but I have seen it where marriages have broken down because it wasn't something both parties wanted. You do really need to communicate this over and over until she gets it or even have counselling together. It can be a big thing for a woman who is still in her fertile years to be told no more children.

My youngest is now 5. I finally have no urge to have another. I have had the taste of freedom every time shes at school. Things are easier now we no longer need a buggy/massive changing bag!

Is it just me who winced at the ‘get the BALL rolling’ and ‘SACK of shit’ references in a post about vasectomy? Anyway - I agree that neither of you are in the wrong. Wanting a baby can become all consuming, and your wife may feel that her desire to have another baby is more important than staying in a relationship with you. If you are totally 100% sure you don’t want another baby, then please be really clear with your wife. That way decisions can be made about going forward. I also agree with others that you should take responsibility for protection, just in case there’s any mishaps…

No one is in the wrong but please don't leave contraception to the party that wants another child.

You are absolutely within your rights not to have another child. I would advise you to get a vasectomy quickly though and not rely on her being on the pill!

Tell us more about missing your "old life", the living alone, the great money, the really enjoying life, and the living in your head stuff, too.

You decided that you wanted 2 children and would have had a vasectomy before this if it was not for covid. You wife now wants a 3rd child as your youngest is 3 and her hormones could be telling her it time to go again.
I would be very honest with her and say that you don't want a 3rd child as both of you agreed on having 2 children in the past.

You also have to consider the 2 children you already have. As a friend of mine said it one thing bringing a child into the world but long term you have to think of the cost of bringing them up. You want to be able to send them to a good school, afford extra curricular activities such as music, sport ect, and to afford college.

I would also tell her that you had enough of lack of sleep, bringing nappies, clothes and buggies every where and that you were looking forward to children you already have getting that bit older.
As your children get older it's important that you and your wife have some adult time ie meals out and the odd night away as a couple.

I would use condoms meanwhile and even have no sex until you get a vasectomy and you know that you can't get her pregnant. Don't have another child unless you want to as I think you could end up resenting the child.

Like PP have said, you need to get a vasectomy (in the meantime use condoms). You can’t rely on your dw to take responsibility for contraception. She might forget to take her pill or take it at the wrong time. It’s not fair that she’s angry at you for not wanting more dc (and you both agreed on 2).

No one is wrong, she is entitled to change her mind but you do need to talk about the future and wether you want the same things going forward. It may be that you took her by surprise and she needs to digest it but ultimately it's your body your choice. Personally as the one who doesn't want children I would take responsibility for contraception.

If you don't want kids you need to take control of your contraception.

Get a vasectomy. You don’t need her permission and it’s your body. Granted it’s better if these things are done with agreement. Also agree with others about not trusting the party who wants a child to be in charge of contraception.

I agree that if you're 100% certain you should get the vasectomy.

Even if you trust her infinitely there's no saying that an accident won't happen in the meantime. Don't take the risk.

I absolutely wouldn't rely on her for contraception. You don't want more.

You don't need to ask or get her agreement. You just inform her. Its your decision. You don't want to produce anymore children.

She deals with it how she deal with it. If she tries to control you or tries to abuse you for it, then your marriage wasn't that great anyway.

My concern would be that if she did take contraception if it failed you wouldn't believe her and it would cause major issues. Just sort it out yourself.

Yanbu

I would be using condoms in lieu of the pill though.

‘Tell us more about missing your "old life", the living alone, the great money, the really enjoying life, and the living in your head stuff, too.’

I know you want a ‘gotcha’ moment from the OP, but as a mother of 2 kids, I sometimes daydream about life pre-kids. No responsibilities, last min holidays etc. Nothing wrong with it. Not everyone was marking time until they have the kids who are now their whole lives.

Use condoms and the pill for now (you control the condoms). Give your wife a couple of weeks or a month to digest the info that you want a vasectomy now. Then have the conversation again. She needs to know you are serious about this. And you need to see what her reaction is when she’s had a little time to think. You probably should try to get an idea of what state your relationship will be in after having a vasectomy when your wife has said she wants more children.

Yanbu

Two is enough. Its her hormones talking here. She will get over it.

Buy some condoms.

Get it done ASAP, and afterwards make sure you use condoms until you get the all clear.

@mycatistrans

You are absolutely within your rights not to have another child. I would advise you to get a vasectomy quickly though and not rely on her being on the pill!

^this

I think you are very responsible actually. I also feel for your wife but no one should be forced to have another.

Vasectomies take a while to organise and come up clear (DH had one), so I’d say if you’re sure see your GP now.

Of course your DW will be upset, so you need to be very clear with her and weather the storm.

And I completely get what you mean about missing pre-child days, even though we chose to stick at 1 DC,

YANBU.

I wouldn't trust her being on the pill to be honest. I would get the snip done and insist on condoms while you wait.
Your well within your rights not to want any more children.

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil

‘Tell us more about missing your "old life", the living alone, the great money, the really enjoying life, and the living in your head stuff, too.’

I know you want a ‘gotcha’ moment from the OP, but as a mother of 2 kids, I sometimes daydream about life pre-kids. No responsibilities, last min holidays etc. Nothing wrong with it. Not everyone was marking time until they have the kids who are now their whole lives.

Agreed. There's nothing wrong with looking back at your life pre-kids, little children are hard work. As much as I loved and enjoyed them, I also used to think about my life before I had them and look forward to when they'd be more independent and I could have a bit of freedom and time to myself. It didn't mean I regretted having them.

Of course, now my kids are older, I get misty eyed thinking about when they were babies and toddlers, forgetting the sleepless nights and having them attached to me 24 hours a day. It's just human nature.

I think the OP is being sensible and he's within his rights not to want any more, but I agree he needs to take care of contraception otherwise there may be a little 'accident' coming along soon.