How to feel happier and less stressed after major life incident

[inbedcrying]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.

What are your ways to feel less stressed? I've had a shock to my life this week. Have lost my job after lies were told of me. I can't do anything about it. The job had been causing me a lot of stress so maybe it's for the best. I have lost weight and feel down all the time. I'm 49kg and struggling to eat. Sleep is ok I suppose.

What are your ways to feel happier, better, especially after something traumatic has happened?

I’m very sorry for your situation.

My DM died suddenly in July last year. I was rurally shell shocked.

Truly very simple things helped a bit.

Most of it is cliched. But true.

Deep breaths. Slow in and out.
Visualising something calm
Warm scented baths.
Camomile tea
Making a to do list each day
Believing “this too will pass”.

Thank you. Very sorry for your loss. That is truly heartbreaking.

It is utter shit when people affect your life with lies. When exh told so many about me I moved away. Just 30 miles but enough for mentally a fresh start.
Sorry you are having a rubbish time op.
Ime Karma is actually a 'thing'..

Self care. Take the opportunity to really spoil yourself- luxurious baths, good food, exercise.

You have a window to take stock, then work out what you want to do next and get on to it.

I find it helps to write a sequence of events, logging what happened, either on the ipad under notes, or in a book - some of the burden shifts over time having written it down.

Also trying to build just small moments of joy into a difficult day - cake with tea, short online yoga if I feel weepy, a walk, and sharing with a good friend if you can.

Time mostly.

I’m sorry it isn’t more helpful.

I was bullied relentlessly for years and the petty nips turned into major accusations (think criminal).

The company dealt with it all so badly that they circled wagons and management lied to protect themselves.

Bully left with a golden handshake. I was left with a reputation in tatters and no chance of promotion. I was told it was clear ‘he wasn’t well’ and ‘I should only pity him’.

This when my hair fell out and my skin was disintegrating. And enjoying the treat of chronic insomnia.

I’ve stayed because of my pension and that is it. What once was a job I loved is now just a job.

I obviously am still a bit bitter (passed over now for several jobs) but I don’t think about it 24-7 any more.

I might grizzle a bit if his name comes up or I can’t tame the unruly patches of short hair that has started to grow back but it isn’t ever present.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. The unfairness of it all is crippling.

Personally, I feel better by water. There is something soothing about it. That and stomping about the countryside with the dog I walk for a relative.

I wish you well because I’ve been in your shoes. It does get better. But it does take time.

Sorry for waffling 🌻

I'm sorry this has happened to you x I watched a good TED talk about resilience, If you can look it up, in a nutshell it stated 1) accept what has happened don't battle with why me?
2) Look at the positives try and ignore the negatives or threats,
3)don't do anything that causes you harm, mentally/ physically etc. Be kind to yourself.

Take one hour at a time. Literally this x

Focus on self care, in particular start looking at ways to nourish yourself...try and make some lovely food to tempt yourself into eating. Steer clear of alcohol. Also find some meditation videos on YouTube and try and do something that absorbs your mind and gives it a break from ruminating (jigsaws are good for this).

Thank you for the advice.

The taking one hour at a time is great advice.

One small treat each day.

Get out for a walk each day. Look up at the sky.

I hope you start to feel better soon. Life can really sock it to us sometimes. Don’t feel afraid to come back on here and let us know how you get on. There are people who care.

My sympathies, that sounds like a really difficult situation. At the moment I am sure it is all you can think about, but in time the shock will lessen and the feelings will be less painful - and the consolation you have already identified - that the job wasn't right for you and was making you unhappy - will become clearer.

So sorry to hear this OP.
This too shall pass indeed.
I agree with the advice on self care and time.

My faith is my strongest crutch but I know it’s not helpful if you don’t have a faith.

My life was bulldozed with a terrible event three years ago. The pain was indescribable. I wish I had talked to a friend at the time but it was too traumatic. I Bury it now and still I don’t talk. Maybe if I could talk I still wouldn’t feel grey inside and beaten. But it hurts to much to say words out loud.
I would say talk now before you bury it with more pain.
Other than that walk .. and look for beauty in the countryside. I also turned to my faith and felt it helped too.

Make a practical plan so you can get your life moving again whilst you deal with the emotional stuff.

Immediately… keep your dignity and health. I kept flossing and brushing my teeth twice a day, moisturising and showering. Sounds silly but I was going to bed nearly fainting after something similar to theNumbersStation. Instead I robotically floated and brushed my teeth, removed my makeup. I ate three times a week. I drank lots of water. I cared for me as if I had Mary poppins do it :) it really just set myself a standard of basic care, even if others were going to treat me like shit I was going to at least keep myself alive.

To mid-term - don’t do anything other than for yourself if possible/ ethical. Conserve your energy. Put the telly on and have “off” days. Do a plan of action when you can. Don’t rush yourself to “improve” or turn your life around.

Long term - regardless of what has happened, where do you want your life to be? Has the bad event revealed anything to you (eg if a job issue, if the job is more widely rubbish and you should move on). How can you achieve that and can it be positive/ exciting? We all need happiness in life so go for it :) doesn’t need to be traditionally “successful” or “standard”. Have fun and use it as an opportunity to explore, and if anyone thinks you’re having some sort of mid-life crisis (or similar) you can put it down to the bad event with a polite smile (and laugh about them when you get home!).

Sending positive vibes. You’ve got this far. This event isn’t going to end you, you’ve got lots more to do and are more than any one aspect of your life.

(Mid term…. Speak to friends, LEAN on them as they would and should you. Practice supporting one another, I really mean that.

Long term… do speak to a therapist if you can and still want to. You’ve had a massive breach of trust and probably feel uncertain as hell. Get a professional to guide you back to “normal” as at the moment you’re used to being surrounded by snakes and life isn’t like that, you need to shake off feelings of suspicion, betrayal and regret… I am projecting!)

I had this experience a couple of years ago leaving a previous job. I didn't handle it well. I channelled all frustrations into not eating and went underweight. I thought about the situations too much and the more I thought about them and spoke about them or wrote them down to 'get it out', the more they multiplied in my head.

How did I get past it?

Time, yes, but also some good choices despite how I was feeling. Sometimes it's good to know when your instincts aren't right, and let your head rule the way.

I went for an awesome job I thought was a bit out of my reach. This was my third interview since leaving previous place. My previous job bad mouthed me to one prospective employer (before I showed up to the second interview. My confidence was in tatters after). I'm in a city that's small enough for networks to form. I thought I was ruined.

I went for the interview at the place I am now and as soon as I walked through the doors I felt safe. The interviewer (now my boss) created a great space to chat about my experience. I felt confident and showcased myself at my best. I work with a group of people who are much more mature and professional (most of the time!) I began to trust colleagues again, and trust myself and my judgment. My previous environment was young/cliquey marketing agency and there was a lot of bullying. I've learnt that I'm massively impacted by the environment I work in, and I try to surround myself with people with good values.

Changing environment and the people I worked with helped a lot with moving forward. I got into weights workouts and met new friends through that. Once I started to build my own networks I started to feel more confident again.

I think it took me about two years to see the situation clearly. Not that I'd been thinking about it for two years but by cracking on with things and making some good choices, I was able to reflect on it later and with a more objective mindset.

So my advice OP is what small things can you do? Grit your teeth and do them. Future you will thank you.

I hope any of that helped. Just know you're not alone. You know who you are and no-one can take that away from you. I can't remember who said it but no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent. You have much more power than you think you do. After all, why do you think they were threatened by you in the first place? By lying about you, ultimately they've harmed themselves more.

What else is going on with your life OP? How long were you in your job?

Take care of yourself. I didn't. I ignored how sad and angry I was until i became physically and mentally poorly. I decided not to talk to friends and family as often I was disappointed and further injured by their response because I was so fragile (not their fault). I eventually found professional help in the form of psychoanalytic therapy which was hard but effective to process the trauma and previous traumas.

On a more simple level I found lying down just for twenty minutes in the quiet really restorative or walking in nature or by water. I bought a weighted blanket which made me feel swaddled and grounded at bedtime. I also watched a fair bit of crap TV and lost myself in a box set. I think being able to turn off and bring the stress levels down is key.

Finally reminding yourself that this will pass and that you will be ok even when you feel bleak it gives some small comfort.

My mother recently had a suicidal breakdown, was diagnosed with dementia and I had some very bad long term health news for myself. I went into full fight-flight mode, panic and fear, crying all the time. I managed it by getting propanalol from the GP for the panic, by trying to be busy and not alone. It took a couple of months but I'm back in a better place now. Try to manage it with distraction until time starts to heal the pain.

Live alongside it

You dont have to ‘give in’ to it

You dont have to ‘fight’ it

Just notice that it is there, acknowledge it but then get on with what you can manage that day

Every day is a new day

I'm so sorry this has happened OP. A broadly similar thing happened to me, and I didn't handle it well. I basically stopped eating, and when I did eat, it was very disordered.

Looking back, I'd say that self-care is the MOST important thing. Shower regularly (I always feel better after a shower), brush your teeth, put clean clothes on, try and get some gentle exercise, and eat healthily.

But what helped me most was just time. Let yourself grieve, and take the time you need. This will pass. x

I'm a magnet for trauma so I empathise and the fact you've asked for ideas in itself is a good first step.

Keep aware of any signs of depression and speak to your doctor. It may be worth a conversation with them anyway to check there is no medical reason to the weight loss and just a check up to be aware of the physical results of stress. Some counselling may also help - especially to explore stress management and the root causes.

In terms of easy things you can do to help yourself today - When the world feels like it's caving in and I feel beaten down, I take a moment just to think of things I'm grateful for and can find pleasure in (healthy things - not alcohol, drugs etc). Not big things but the little things, more simple and sensory - really take a moment to think of things you like and just sit with it a moment. As an example of how small and random it can be - I had bought a new deodorant and it smelled of bubblegum and I loved the smell so in that moment I just felt the little bit of happiness and pleasure in that one small thing. Others on the list - flowers, soft blankets, a song I love. I think there's a dopamine release that comes from that small experience which helps to ease the stress and allows clearer thinking. Which can also help you get the essentials back on track - eating, sleeping, light exercise - which in turn will make you feel much better.

People may trot out the whole "some people have it worse than you so be grateful for what you have" stuff but it can be very hard to see that or have a good sense of perspective when you are overwhelmed and stressed. I also gained a huge amount from volunteering with a homeless charity over my Christmas breaks (pre-Covid). I was super nervous and it was pretty emotional so it was a challenge, but I cannot explain the sheer appreciation and gratitude that getting in the shower and into my bed at the end of an overnight shift at the shelter. And I felt useful - which helped repair my confidence after some very dark times.

When you feel better and have processed things a bit, you can look back on the situation with your old job with logic and not emotion and see what, if any, lessons can be drawn from it. Don't do this until you feel better and don't rush it - but I find this a really important step to be able to move on happily. It may simply be that you were in a deeply unfair situation and being victimised and you may now have more awareness of the early red flags of that. I have a rule that I will find at least one positive out of every traumatic situation I've experienced - no matter how small.

Good luck OP - hope something there helps!

OP
My best mood lifters are exercise, fresh air and using my brain for other things (reading, listening to interesting podcasts etc and learning a language). When you're down it's sometimes the hardest time to motivate yourself dlto do those kinds if things, but they really do help, especially the exercise.