To feel overwhelmed and a failure

[findingawaythrough]

The next few months are going have to be incredibly financially tight for us and I'm dreading it.

My DD has SEN and has been put on the waiting list to be assessed for autism but the average waiting time is 2 years and 6 months. She does have a lot of help at school and receives DLA and I carers.

I feel it's too long to wait so I am planning on paying for a private assessment. I already have a bit of savings and with being super frugal should be able to afford it by May.
I would have been able to afford it straight away if this was last year but I overspent and started buying stuff constantly when my relationship broke down.
So now because I left DD Dad he has completely disappeared from her life.
I also stopped being sensible and spent nearly everything I'd saved so I can't get her the help she needs as fast as I could have.

I'm still constantly thinking of stuff I should be getting like sensory toys, extra uniform, bedding, flash cards and a million other things that we can technically live without but would life easier and what DLA should be spent on.

I guess my AIBU is should I feel so guilty for the decisions I have made that will negatively impact my DD?

I suggest waiting for the free assessment. The diagnosis won’t mean anything changes, what is the benefit to her of getting it sooner? You could spend the money now on things that will make a difference to her life and yours.

@haribofiend
Without diagnosis you can't get NHS ASD support such as Earlybird plus or Cygnet ASD courses.
DLA also is to be reassessed and having more professional evidence can make it more likely to go smoothly rather than having to take this to tribunal.

Have you put in a CMS claim?

Totally agree with haribofiend. My child was diagnosed with autism at 13. I got to go on two free courses. One was great. One wasn't. That really was the extent of help offered.

Even if your dd is not on the spectrum then the parenting techniques for autistic children may still work well so research those now. You can make flash cards. Research the things that would help her or you.

K don't know how to answer AIBU. You should not feel guilty for choices you made on a personal relationship. If you were unhappy with your partner it was good to split.

His choice not to interact with DD might be influencing her negatively. That is his fault.

Is he a good influence to have around? I'd so, encourage interaction. If not, don't encourage it

However, either way he must pay maintenance for his child.

Research ASD charities and see if any offer support with or without a diagnosis.

Why don't you make your own clash cards?
Hi to the library a d borrow books, it's free. Take your child out for a walk and talk to them, again all free. Why do you need extra uniform?
You say your child already gets help and you get money for them why do you need more?
Google free toy libraries too.
Look in charity shops for toys, you don't have to spend a fortune on these things.

Second what haribofiend says. The support at school won't change that much after diagnosis if they're meeting her needs now. If you have been told she needs diagnosis for an EHCP, this is untrue (and also a lot of the time private diagnosis doesn't help with that). If she is unable to access mainstream education either without support or at all, then an EHCP can be applied for. Unless there is a reason why the diagnosis is needed urgently, I'd wait for the free one.

Don't beat yourself up about things you can't change. Being a parent of a child with SEN is hard enough, especially a single parent. It sounds as though you've been through a really tough time.

@Onlinedilema the OP isn't trying to get more money. A diagnosis of ASD won't do that. It won't change the level of DLA awarded. She's angry with herself for spending what she had.

It's not normally that easy to find sensory toys in charity shops, and the toys that can safely withstand the treatment they get from their users, who will squish stress balls very hard, to get deep pressure input, or chew things to meet oral sensory need, are not cheap, and need replacing often as they break or wear out.

There have been some good points made up thread about waiting for the NHS diagnosis and doing what you can yourself for little money. I'd also add a note of caution that some private assessments don't carry the same weight as an NHS diagnosis so please do your research if you do decide to take this route.

As an aside, some experts recommend that when a child is assessed for autism, that autism is considered for both parents too. Overthinking and feeling overwhelmed can be symptoms of Autism especially in women and might be something you want to look into for yourself.

Claim cms from DDs dad.

Then be kind to yourself. You’ve made a mistake that’s all. Happens to everyone.

Look for Facebook support groups and get in touch with autism organisations to get sone ideas of how to help DD while you safe for the assessment.
And you’re a lovely mum - if you weren’t you wouldn’t be feeling bad.

Using the library to gain access to flash cards is a really proactive step in helping though

What is done is done so don’t beat yourself up about it.
Your DD is loved and cared for, you’re doing the best you can now with the resources you have.
Check that your DDs school will accept your private assessment and act on it. If that’s so and you’re sure you can afford it, go ahead in May. A few months wait isn’t going to hurt in the long run.
Can you make at home any of the things you feel your daughter needs? Like the flash cards. Sensory toys, you might find some in charity shops or online (EBay?)

My dd9 has ASD and was diagnosed last year. Nothing has changed since her diagnosis school wise so I don't think you need to spend money on a private diagnosis. My dd loves fidget toys due to their sensory nature and you can get these quite cheaply. Our local market has a stall selling them for two for £5. She now has quite a collection. Don't beat yourself up I'm a single mum too and it's hard work be kind to yourself.

@Palavah @Italiangreyhound
Unfortunately as he has ghosted I don't have a way to encourage a relationship. I have claimed CSA but as he has left his job and doesn't claim benefits there isn't anything they can do.
@whydobirds
Thank you for making those points so I don't have to. Especially as she uses mouth sensory toys all day every day.
@Onlinedilema
Extra uniform as her main form of stimulation comes from biting and chowing, and she does take in a oral sensory toy to school but her sleeves on her jumper are more than frayed after a day.

With making flash cards it's actually cheaper to buy ones pacifically made for a lot of use and being thrown about/torn/eaten than constantly making them.
@OffCycling
I believe I maybe have autism but it is one of those things I have kind of put to the bottom of the list of things I need to do.

DD main issues are very little attention span, speech at a 2 year old level with lower than average understanding but can sign, unable to read emotions, when in meltdown she runs and escapes and if someone gets in her space too quickly lashes out/throws things, needs things constantly in her mouth and can't stand loud noises.
She has an EHCP but only for speech therapy twice a day and school supply a TA for 1-1 the rest of the day. The school are in the middle of changing her EHCP as it was made before she started school.

I didn't get a diagnosis for my ADHD and ASD DD until she was 11. I did go private because of the waiting times.

The most useful part for was them also talking to her, explaining what was going on which was a relief all round.

Id say there are merits in waiting so she can understand a bit more about what's going on, but I can understand why you want to get it done.

As an aside I am also a lone parent so I totally understand how you are feeling. There is a good thread on here (can't remember if it's on AIBU or relationships) about dealing with a really angry child with potential ASD or ADHD also undiagnosed, many tips and resources on that thread.

Sadly op a private asd diagnosis wont change anything. Ask the school if they have extra uniform or any charities nearby - most do. If she has echp this is probably taken more seriously for DLA, not sure why you would need re assessed as her needs would still be the same.

And our diagnosis didnt give us anymore insight. We found joining asd parent groups more useful and going to courses run by asd charities.

We did pay for adhd diagnosis purely to start dc on medication which did make a huge difference.