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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling used by my sister

15 replies

croissantsnchocs · 08/01/2022 10:23

My sister lives abroad in one of the Scandinavian countries, as do all my family. I live here in London. We’re really close, and we used to speak everyday, she went through a lot with her ex and I was there for her. It’s been 2 years since she left him, and for the past 12 months things have been really weird between us. We barely speak anymore, and if we do it’s always about her and her problems. Sometimes we will go weeks and weeks without talking, even though I call or text to see how she is doing, my calls and texts gets ignored. And then suddenly she will call, and talk about her problems. There’s no hi, or how are you? And then she will talk about how busy she’s been etc. I am busy as well, I have children, work and a house. We all have lives, but I can still make time to talk. Then after that, we won’t speak again for weeks and then she rings and talks about her problems and how busy she’s been, it’s the same thing all the time.

She’s also got a new boyfriend that she spends a lot of time with. She just texted me last week that she’s in the hospital, no context. I called and texted to hear what was wrong, no response. Calls and texts ignored again, yesterday she sent me a picture of a gift her boyfriend bought her. And I’m like what?? How do you ignore someone and then send a random picture like that? I’m annoyed tbh, I was worried and she didn’t even care about getting in contact with me to let me know she’s OK.

Ive decided to just leave her alone now, but I can’t help but feel used.

OP posts:

phishy · 08/01/2022 10:27

YANBU, next time don’t send the multiple worried messages, you’re playing into her hands.

When she calls can you not say ‘oi, can we talk about me for a change?’

But i think you’re right to leave her to it. Don’t call her.

Harpydragon · 08/01/2022 10:29

I get you. My sister has made me realise that I'm more of an acquaintance than family. I realised that it's pretty much me who does all the running and she never puts herself out for me.
I've made the decision to let her do all the running this year. I called to wish her a happy New year and am leaving it now, I'm going to see just how long it takes her to get in touch with me, and if she can actually be bothered to ask how my family and I are. It might be petty, but there had to be a time when you (I) matter too. I kind of came to the realization that I was always trying to keep the peace, be a people pleaser and I'm not doing that anymore.

PurplePikachu · 08/01/2022 10:32

How recent is the new boyfriend? Just wondering if she cut back on contact with you when she met him?

Hadtocomment · 08/01/2022 11:01

Rather than cutting back on contact wouldn't you let her know first that it's not on to send a worrying message and then not reply? It is your sister and I think you should be able to express this without it being really confrontational. She could be wrapped up in herself but doesn't mean she can't get a little jolt and see it from another perspective. It's not a fair thing to do to someone.

BobbieT1999 · 08/01/2022 11:02

Talk to her about it

taylorwilde · 08/01/2022 11:09

When people are busy and overwhelmed, with lots of changes happening in their lives, it can make them very self-absorbed.

I understand that your feeling resentful, especially if you provided a lot of support to her. Could you try talking to her about how you feel?

Original poster

croissantsnchocs · 08/01/2022 11:09

She met her boyfriend in October I think, sometimes I think the reason why we spoke a lot in the past was because of the things she was going through with her ex. She was with him for 10 years, 4 kids. And she would always cry on the phone to me, but then the minute things got better for her and she got rid of him she didn't need me? It's hard not to feel like that.

One time when I worked in care, she called me I couldn't talk cuz I was doing a night shift. I texted her back later saying I'd call her when I got home in the morning. It was a 12 hour shift, 8 til 8. I got home around 8.30, made a cup of tea and called her. She didn't pick it up, but texted me that she was tired and we should talk another time. It just made me angry, I just got home after a 12 hour night shift, didn't even take a shower and called her instead and she's saying she's tired? What about me? I'm tired aswell, this is what I mean about making time. I made time for her even though I worked all night and was exhausted, she was home all day and still could not make time to talk.

I got a different job, and was so excited to tell her, when I called her she just talked over me and started talking about her problems. No congratulations, no nothing. It's draining. But I am done now, I can't take it anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

croissantsnchocs · 08/01/2022 11:14

I've spoken to her about it before, all she says is that she's busy with the kids and work. I have kids and work too. After she explains why, and we talk about it. It happens again, and then the same thing "I was busy" etc.. it's the same thing. There's nothing to talk about, because she does it all the time.

OP posts:

Skeumorph · 08/01/2022 11:20

And she would always cry on the phone to me, but then the minute things got better for her and she got rid of him she didn't need me? It's hard not to feel like that.

Well, yes! What do you mean it's hard not to feel like that - of course you would feel like that because that's exactly how it is? She's a user. Not necessarily because she's a horrible person, but she certainly is a thoughtless entitled person and as a result there's a pattern/dynamic which has developed into her seeing you as someone who is just THERE and she doesn't have to consider.

If you want that to stop, you need to stop acting that part too.

If someone started a pattern of vaguebooking, taking for granted nonsense with me - the moment I noticed it would be the point it stopped!

Don't get in touch.

Don't reply to her next couple of messages.

You WAIT - the second she realises you're not engaging when she wants to, the toys will come right out of the pram. Then it will be time for some firm pushback. 'Sorry, not seeing the problem here? You haven't replied to loads of my messages so I just assume you're busy? If you don't like people not messaging you straight back why do you do it?'

Skeumorph · 08/01/2022 11:22

@croissantsnchocs

Then you've already gone through some of this process.

Stop messaging and don't reply to her next message. Then send your own message after a couple of days completely ignoring what she said and giving your own news.

Keep doing this for a while and see if it changes her behaviour, if it doesn't, then just drop the rope and stop making any effort at all.

Not all siblings are worth actually having a relationship with, they just don't see or value any specific connection that's any different to any other friend!

Willome · 08/01/2022 11:25

I have a similar situation. It's hard to work out if they are struggling and completely self absorbed or just don't value your relationship at all.

MissMogwai · 08/01/2022 11:50

I can empathise. I stepped back and realised the relationship with my sister was all one sided and I was being used, both emotionally and financially.

I didn't hear from her for months, only to receive a message asking for money, no hello, how are you, just usual sob story. I said no - back to radio silence...

Leave her to it as PP said.

Mary46 · 08/01/2022 15:30

Yes op I took a step back. I found I got texts if they either wanted a favour or some drama with our mother. Wouldnt be in touch otherwise. Im not as available now since this

lastnightthemooncame · 08/01/2022 19:07

Good luck OP. Stepping back & stopping people pleasing/stopping being available seems can put the kibosh completely on relationships...but if relationships are anxiety inducing then they probably won't last anyway unless change occurs. I'd maybe try talking, but if it's not successful, pull back & put that attention elsewhere? And also- have you a parent that puts you in competition in any way or has it been a harmonious upbringing??

taylorwilde · 14/01/2022 10:27

Okay - it sounds as though she's chronically self absorbed.

That's unlikely to change. Only you can change. Begin to set boundaries to protect your energy and spend your time on activities / with people who fill your emotional cup rather than deplete it. You deserve healthy balanced relationships (even with close family). Sending best wishes.

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