To ask for your tips on how to care less? (in-laws behaving badly)

[elbell3]

My MIL and SILs have been continual horrors. After another drama over Christmas (sour faces, throwing tantrums, badgering, going behind my back, not respecting our boundaries or feelings), I've had enough now. Those of you with horrors for in-laws, how do you care less? DH isn't particularly bothered about seeing them, but doesn't want to go as far as no contact. They kick off when he doesn't make an effort and assume it is me keeping him away, even though I actively suggest he sees them. Can anyone help me come up with some strategies to deal with this?

Let DH deal with them.

I've never fallen out with my inlaws, but I'm not particularly close to them either. We speak when we physically see each other. But I don't contact them. DH does all of the contact, he arranges to visit etc. He will often take the kids to visit without me (largely out of habit due to different work patterns). I just don't get sucked into anything involving them unless DH tells me about it (which he rarely does).

You deal with it by not dealing with it. You don't involve yourself at all. It's your husband's choice to see them or not, and his responsibility to make it happen. If he doesn't, oh well, and if they think it's your fault, who cares? He may not want to go NC but that doesn't mean you can't.

Why are you actively suggesting a grown man sees his family?

Surely that's up to him?

You're all absolutely right. I need to extract myself entirely. The problem so far has been that they approach me first, because they think I make all the decisions. The fact that I say I need to speak to DH before I answer should tell them something...

I care too much what they think of me. I want him to go and see them so they don't think I'm keeping him away. I also feel for them, to a certain extent. I understand that they must miss him. But I'm tired of his absence being my fault...

When they contact you, tell them to ring your DH. Or even better, don't answer it.

I don't actually think my MIL has my phone number!

There's a book entitled, 'The subtle art of not giving a fuck'. The premise of this book is that you have a finite amount of fucks to give, and thus should be judicious in what you allocate them to.

Decide whether this is worth giving one of your limited fucks to. And if not, choose to stop giving it.

Don't care what they think about you, and don't get involved. If they ask you, tell them to speak directly to your dh. Their opinion of you is none of your business. Who cares what they think

As others have said, you don't deal with them, by not dealing with them

I haven't seen my MIL for months and she lives 20 minutes down the road. My DH goes over with the kids every week - she was supposed to come for Christmas (and would have been made welcome) but ended up in hospital.

I too had the 'If you'd let him come over' comments and eventually I said 'You've know him for longer than me? You know what he's like. If you don't see him it's because he doesn't want to see you and nothing to do with me'

I wouldn't say it made me popular but I drew my line in the sand. I am pleasant when we all meet up. I have been helpful whilst his mother is in hospital etc. I have been sent over meals and suggested she stay with us when discharged (declined). Like you Op, I care but the same I would for a neighbour/colleague. But no longer get stressed over snide and snippy comments. I don't look for hidden digs and slights - it all glides over. I tried for many years, but life is much better now - I recommend it.

These people always blame the girlfriend /wife. They say she's not letting him see family. I've seen it hundreds of times before.
My husband is the same. He would never speak or see his family if it wasnt for me. And it isn't for any reason. They are nice people. I have been to so many of their family get togethers and he hasn't come with me. He used to ask me to make excuses for him but I got sick of it and told them the truth. Now they don't expect to see him and no it's not coming from me