Hello all,
Going to try and make this as brief as possible otherwise I could write a book.
My mum has been an alcoholic my entire life. We were always very close and when you’re little she would be nice to you when she was drunk but the moment you got about 10/11 and would start commenting on her drinking you were suddenly a villain. She had quite a tough upbringing. My father died when I was a baby very suddenly so that really triggered her. That’s not to say she was fine before he died. She’s very cruel and abusive when she drinks. As a child she try and physical fight me and my siblings, drag us out of our rooms, try and boot our bedroom door down if we barricaded them. You could never relax and sleep properly because you were just waiting for her to burst into your room and smash something or spit on you. When she was/is sober, she’s great, very hands on etc. When she eventually sobers up (sometimes she’ll go in week longer benders) you would have to pretend like nothing has happened. If you mentioned anything or tried to say ‘you did x it really upset me’ she would get angry and say ‘I’m just trying to do my best are you really going to do this to me’.
So my life was spent with her being completely horrendous and out of control drunk and then when she is sober you had to pretend nothing happened.
For context, we were very comfortable financially, I think that is how things seemed/semi were ok.
I also want to say, I was quite a tricky teen. I guess I was quite demanding and would go out a lot. In my defence, I felt very lost and angry as a teen. Didn’t know any family, my mum had lots of different boyfriends. I just felt very messed up.
Fast forward, Im married with a baby. My husband had a drinking problem when we met. He has just graduated from uni and was going through a breakdown as a result of a family crisis. He did things like say horrible stuff to me, smash up my flat. But when he was sober he was very sweet and very apologetic for his behaviour and I knew he was just a messed up and damaged person. ( yes I know if I wasn’t raised by an alcoholic I never would’ve accepted this behaviour).
He has now changed. Yes we have our problems but he rarely drinks now except for special occasions and when he does drink the worst he’ll do is be playing Leonard Cohen. His behaviour isn’t bad in itself but for some reason I just find him drunk triggering.
When I was 8 months pregnant my mum tried to attack me and through a speaker at me (it didn’t hit me but nearly did).
We were living with my mum for a couple of months as her place was being renovated and delayed. She ruined my son’s first birthday. Was very rude to my husband’s family and told them to leave. Cut the giant 1 ballon off his present and released it into the sky because she said it was annoying her.
A month later on my birthday, I was ill, a couple of close friends insisted on showing up so I could have a cake on my birthday. My mum was angry that they brought cake. She said it wouldn’t get finished and would be wasted and then told them to leave.
She showed up to our home recently when I was out, it was just toddler and husband at home and she was saying how much she hates me and what a bitch I am. And that she despises him. She was screaming her head off. He had to lock him and son in a room and wanted to call police.
Another thing I think is important to mention is that she had loads and loads of boyfriends. A lot of them treated her badly.
They, in particular one, would very aggressive towards me. She sided with them. And then gaslight me and accused me of saying all kinds of things to provoke him which were not true. He even confirmed this was not true. She would always side with a boyfriend over one of her kids. Yet she accuses her kids of standing in the way of her love life.
She’s not a bad person. She’s a very troubled person.
But again, due to an overlap in living situation we were semi living with her for months. I did everything I could to be as helpful as possible. Suddenly whenever she had a drink she was very aggressive towards me and accusing me of wronging her when there is literally not a single thing I’ve done. I just don’t get it. When she would start again on her bender we would go to my in-laws.
She’s now moved to her new place so we’re not co—habiting anymore but the occasion I mentioned a little earlier of her showing up whilst I was out happened last week. She had moved out at this point but still had a key.
On New Year’s Eve she starts sending me all these rude messages out of nowhere. Of course she’s drunk, of course I should ignore it. But somehow her sending me that as we entered a new year felt so symbolic.
A couple days later she’s sobered up and I haven’t seen her but she’s been texting me the odd thing ‘oh is that any x where you are I think I left something there’. Talking to me as if nothing happened. That’s what I hate the most. It’s the passive gaslighting. It’s the me having to pretend she hasn’t hurt me.
I don’t have much family but I don’t feel like it’s good for my brain having this kind of relationship.
Should I just cut her out of my life for life?
Thank you if you’ve made it this far
Also, please vote. I feel like if I see the numbers it will be more clear what I need to do.
Thank you so much