Partner cheating?

[Anxiousaboutit]

Posting for traffic please.
I have a horrible, gut feeling about my partner's relationship with his ex wife. Always have but I have minimised it as she has an on-off partner of two years. We also have two years together. I am very physically nervous around her-I don't know why but we live in the same community so I do encounter her from time to time.
I cannot shake this feeling. I am recently (past 2 weeks) having dreams which tell me they are together, the feeling is getting stronger. He denies this and I feel like I believe him when I am with him. But when I am not my mind is constantly questioning it.
I don't have this feeling about anybody else, although I am insecure, so am nervous about him wanting someone else.
Over Christmas he used his children as a reason to go on Xmas eve and Xmas day and New Years for dinner. If I get upset about it he gets angry with me. It seems excessive but it is so different to my situation (v low contact with ex) that I don't know what is normal. I am embarrassed by it though, and think it makes me feel humiliated in case people think they are still together and I don't know but they all do.
But, all my ex's have cheated-my ex husband had another women for all our relationship, I only found out at the end. My father was a serial cheat. I don't know, I am constantly on edge, and have this gut feeling that 'I know'-I don't have any real evidence though just feelings.
Would it make me look totally out of order if I just ask her? That could be potentially embarrassing, but I feel like if I ask, she will say yes they have been together and maybe that's why I'm uncomfortable around her. But then my insecurities are out in the open, which might embarrass me in the case it's nothing.
What can I do to feel better? I do love him very much, and would like to be with him for a long time, he approached me as I am not very confident and I felt very lucky. But I can't live like this either. In my heart, it is heavy and I feel like, well, I just know.
Could I be wrong?

Don't ask her, you wouldn't trust her answer if she said no anyway - and it could go horribly. I don't think it matters if he is or isn't. The huge fear that you have means that this relationship just isn't worth it. End the relationship and start working on yourself, you've been treated badly a lot, you're insecure, low self esteem. Get yourself the help you deserve and see that you're not 'lucky' if someone asks you out, when you value yourself that little you're likely to attract people who will take advantage of you.

Usually I would say gut feeling is important but if you've been treated poorly in every past relationship I don't blame you for expecting it to happen again, even if it's innocent in this case. Someone who 'gets angry' when you explain your worries, knowing your past relationship history (I assume) doesn't sound like a kind person though. Have you spent any time single, working on being happy with yourself? I've been cheated on and it kills self esteem and makes you more likely to settle for a partner who doesn't treat you well, as you think it's what you deserve. I don't think speaking to the ex wife is a good idea op x

Thank you I won't speak to her.
Every single man in my life has let me down, I look back at my father, I realise that the reason I hate myself is because he hates me so I thought there must be something wrong with me.
My ex just lied to my face time and time again.
I was on my own for 5 years before this man asked me out. He bought me flowers, nobody has done that before.
I won't ask the ex. There is a tension there which is quite apparent when they talk, not sure why and not really my business. They are definitely divorced, though, and have been for 5 years.

I would be more pissed off he spent more of Xmas with his previous family. Is this what every Christmas will be like for your dc?

We don't have dc, and he went for about 1 hour each time.

He went for 1 hour to see his children? Blimey I thought you were going to say he spent all day there. I don't think that's excessive.

No don't ask her. You will come across badly, and he will be furious.

OP nothing in what you've said makes me think he is cheating. He went for an hour to see his kids on xmas. This is completely normal in a lot of ex relationships and is healthy for the children if its amicable. He didnt 'use his children' for a reason to go round, he went round to see them open presents / share their excitement.

Yes all the men have let you down in the past and it's easy to see how this has formed a view of what's going to happen going forward. But all you've got is a 'feeling', no other indicators whatsoever.

You will push him away if you don't do something to stop these intrusive thoughts, they will drive you mad

He saw his kids for 3 hours in total over a week. I can think of several good reasons to leave him based on the poor showing - but cheating isn't one of them.
Go to the GP and don't humiliate yourself by laying your anxiety at her door. She'll probably fall apart laughing at the idea

Hmm, difficult as I do believe in gut feelings, I had the exact same once where my only indication that now ex-DP was back with his ex was that I kept dreaming about it, it turned out to be true! However, it was out of character for me to be suspicious or feel insecure, so I'm not sure if you can trust your gut here with your history, the evidence doesn't seem all that damning from what you've written.

It sounds to me like you are really hurting from past relationships, starting with your dad. It's understandable the way you feel and I do sympathise OP. However, I don't think he is cheating at all. He has children with his ex-wife and at least he is involved with them, seeing them over Christmas. Personally I think 3 hours over Christmas week isn't enough to spend with his kids! Surely if he was cheating he would find a reason to have spent the whole of Christmas day etc with her and use the kids as an refuse. It's inevitable that he will still have some involvement with her, not like he can cut her off completely, because they have kids. Remember they did get divorced for a reason.

@Anxiousaboutit

We don't have dc, and he went for about 1 hour each time.

I thought you meant he'd spent all Xmas and new Year there fgs :/ That's such a small amount of time to see his kids

Oh also OP, I dated someone who kept having dreams about me cheating on him and was convinced it was true, and that I was going to leave him for my ex! And he had a history of being cheated on. I did leave him because it was too much for me, wasn't nice being accused all the time, I certainly was not cheating on him nor did I leave him for my ex.

If all men have let you down why do you feel like you need a man?

You could have the perfect or the worst relationship but you would still feel like this. You don't trust yourself to judge things correctly so I don't think its healthy to be in a relationship where I are projecting that anxiety.

What poster 1 said was spot on.

I know it's hard but you need to find a way to love yourself before you can love someone else.

You are experiencing (quite extreme) paranoia. Its not surprising, given the history of your trust being broken. You need to work on the paranoia, for your own well being and happiness.

It's not his fault you've been cheated on in the past and it's not his job to continuously prove his innocence to you. My ex used to accuse me all the time and it ruined everything. You need to get help from your GP as other pp's have suggested.