To think I've ruined my life?

[Ecala]

I'm 33. I've never really had a "proper" job. I spent a few years running my own restaurant, then worked from home doing various online jobs - admin/ customer service/ ESL coaching etc, nothing of much merit that I could use on a CV.

I do have a degree but I graduated 10 years ago so I don't think it really counts anymore. I haven't used it for anything.

I don't have kids, have suffered a few MC over the last few years, which, I guess has really demotivated me.

I feel there is no way forward for me now and I just have no idea what to do or how to get on with my life. I have a little bit of cash in the bank and I just want to blow it on a holiday, however, I know I'll just feel the same/ worse upon my return.

What would you do if you were me?

Kindly, YABU. You’ve been through a lot with your miscarriages, it’s exhausting and soul destroying, I’ve been there, but you have decades ahead of you and you can find happiness and purpose.

Are you working at the moment? I don’t what you mean by a proper job but running a restaurant sounds proper to me. Are you in a relationship? Still ttc?

Would you like to study something? Can you have the holiday but keep some savings back and get a change of scenery and spend some time thinking about what would make you feel a bit more optimistic?

The first thing I’d try and do is give yourself a break. Acknowledge what you’ve been through, accept it’s going to have had a profound impact on you, that you’re not currently where you want to be in your life but embrace the hope that better days lie ahead.

I really feel for you

I’m not one for blowing money for no reason.

But I’m wondering if using the money for a holiday might just reset your frame of mind.

You want a holiday so have a holiday if you can afford it.

Life sometimes moves in mysterious ways.

Things might stay the same. It could also give you time to think properly without the daily grind/same old scene and a solution or idea might present itself.

Your life hasn’t been wasted. We all have to find our place and sometimes it takes longer than you think.

You’ve plenty time yet lass.

"Running my own restaurant" is a life long ambition for many, many people so please don't dismiss it.

What makes your heart beat that little bit faster? What do you daydream about?

OP, I'm so sorry for your losses.

But, and I mean this with the upmost respect, YABU. You literally ran your own restaurant - that is a fantastic job and career movement and you should be incredibly proud of yourself.

Not that I'm saying you should be grateful, but the other jobs you have mentioned are actually really good jobs to have. Lots of people would kill to have those skill sets, and contrary to popular belief they look amazing on CVs.

What makes YOU happy? What would you like to do? 33 is no age - you can do whatever you put your mind to [coffee]

What do you want to do? Maybe look at career coach/cv help to get you moving forward. You are young and look at re training. A degree is a degree it always counts. You can still access postgraduate courses or graduate schemes with your degree. All your jobs would look great on a cv lots of transferable skills. If you have gaps then put something like travelling or family commitments. Lots of people have gaps for all sorts of reasons.

And the lost babies? I’ve been there also.

It will always be there. It does change you. It will affect your outlook on life.

But for me, with time comes acceptance.

Wow! You’re a graduate, who has run her own business, with a range of experience in different fields. That’s a lot to have going for you!

I’m sorry about your losses. That must be so hard to deal with. I suspect it’s clouding your view of everything in your life though.

If you need a break and can afford to, take it. It’s really important to look after yourself and you have so much to offer - do you have ideas about what you would like to do if you could do anything?

Wow, thanks so much everyone. I truly appreciate it.

I think I just feel like I've never had a "proper" job because I've been self-employed. I've always been told employers see that as a negative thing because it implies you won't be a very good team player/ be able to follow orders from a boss!

I've never worked in an office or had that kind of environment where you have colleagues/ work mates. I think I'd enjoy that, but I feel like I'm not good enough.

You sound amazing! Lots of transferable skills from running your own business that employers would value.

I’ve never worked in an office either-yahs not the only sort of work!

Your degree will always count for something-don’t dismiss that.

How did you come to run a restaurant-that’s usually the culmination of a career for most people? Did you have years of working in the restaurant first to secure this post? What’s your experience here?

You are good enough.

We all have different lives, different opportunities, different experiences.

This allows us all to being something to the table. I think you have a lot to offer in that respect.

Have your holiday. Soothe your soul. Look at the world again with different eyes.

My Nan used to say ‘what is for ye won’t go by ye’.

Sometimes you just have to reach out and grab it when it presents itself 🙂 🌻

@theNumbersStation my Nan used to say the same thing  thank you!

To answer @Howshouldibehave I secured funding through a young persons new business scheme they were running in my area.
It was only a small amount of money but enough to secure the lease on a premises, get basic equipment and set myself up.
Over the years I upgraded everything, expanded and eventually moved to bigger premises in a major city. That's when it started to go wrong. I couldn't really keep up with the overheads, VAT was huge, I needed more and more staff and I was there 24/7, or so it felt. I managed to sell it for a very small profit. Which was very lucky.
I had no life outside of it; now, I feel like I have no life without it - Ironic I know!

I've felt the way you are feeling before - you can't give up. That's the only way you actually lose, is if you give up. You're 33. Study for a masters degree - look into funding. Fund it yourself part time while working part time? 33 is young to not have kids. You can try and have kids again if you want in the years to come.

You are a graduate. That is wonderful. And you ran your own restaurant. That's brilliant.

Must be so sad and disappointing to experience a miscarriage. I'm so sorry. Huge hugs to you.

Maybe see a counsellor to talk through things?

Take care. Never give up. You are worth it. And 33 is young. 99 years old is not old enough to give up. Never, ever give up on yourself. If there is life ahead, there is hope.

Take the holiday! Why wouldn't you?

When you get back would you want to get into the restaurant industry again?

Your degree counts and so does running a business! Sounds like you’ve got a really good broad spread of skills! Could you spend some time thinking about a career that would suit you and put the money towards training or setting something up?

Ps I changed careers at 40!!!

I went back to university and retrained in your situation. Qualified as a midwife aged 38.

Don't dismiss WFH PT jobs you've had since DC arrived. Doing admin customer service and ESL training all sdtack up and actually fit with your skillset of running a restaurant.

You probably have better than average organisational and interpersonal skills - good customer service skills.

Consolidate these on your CV. Leave off the dates and group the work. E.g. 2015-2022 - concurrent with raising children, I run a small business from home, offering remote admin and customer services advice for local companies, specialising in XYZ, building on the organizational and interpersonal skills I developed while running the restaurant.

Just spin it. Find common themes or skills and group them. Look at what you have achieved over a year or five years while raising DC. Have you developed software skills? Can you set up and run Zoom meetings? Not everyone can, even after so many lockdowns.

Apply for work locally - maybe school office work or lunch cover management at a local busy cafe or restaurant and then build back up from there.

33 is everso young, although I know I felt like I was getting on when I was that age it's all about perspective - you have many, many years of being working age ahead of you and so lots of time to try different things and aquire new skills - although it sounds like you have lots of skills, your restaurant experience would absolutely look good on a CV.

I'm doing a part time masters at the moment, I'm 42. I work part time as a teacher and I study 2 days a week. I've been able to fund it through student loans. I'm not saying it is for everyone, but just saying that, at 10 years older than you, I'm changing careers, it can be done.

I had a miscarrage in my 20s, my first pregnancy and I was adrift career wise for about 2 years afterwards - I felt bereft and couldn't focus on anything. I should have got some help, but I just kept on trying and trying to 'get over it' - obviously that didn't work - but eventually I found peace with the loss.

I agree that you should take a holiday, have a reflect. I think you should think what would you advise your best friend to do in your situation, and be your own best friend. For some reason we are better at being kind to others than we are at being kind to ourselves.

Best of luck.

Don't put yourself down, OP. You have had lots of proper jobs.

These jobs are very varied, but perhaps you could look at the skills you needed for each one, and cluster those.

Try to be proactive, and not simply react to what life has thrown at you.

Keep talking.

@wonderstuff you're so right. If someone said this to me I'd be full of advice and try to be positive for them. I need to try that!

What is a “proper” job? That’s very subjective. You have been an entrepreneur and that’s something to be proud of.

People live to be over 100 these days so you have plenty of time to find a path. There is no set way or timeframe for anything OP.

Take some time and think about what it is you want to do. You’re not in any race to get anywhere OP. Just try to be a bit easier on yourself because no one has the blueprint to life. We are all learning as we go.

You ran your own restaurant! Nearly 20% of those fail,but you didn't really fail because you left with a modest profit, not debts or bankruptcy.

The whole WFH thing will be great on your CV as so many businesses have decided that WFH is a thing, either part of the week or full time, so if you have experience of that, it's a definite plus!

As for your degree, why does it matter if it was ten years ago. Maybe if your degree is in something terribly scientific or technical where things have moved on and you still want to work in that field, yes.

But people still respect that I had the application and intelligence to get a degree. I've never had a job where I needed to discuss the Brontes.

Thanks guys, you've given me some much needed perspective.

I've just rewritten my CV, so that's a start.