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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I maybe want to get back with ex-husband ?

26 replies

JoanCandy · 07/01/2022 01:03

I'll try and keep it brief !
Together 15 years, married for 10, no kids together, I have an adult daughter with disabilities & learning difficulties.
We split a couple of times (instigated by me) but finally divorced a year ago, he eventually moved 3 hours away. We still speak most days, still great friends, neither of us are with anyone or are really interested in meeting anyone either (we're both in our 50's).
We split because he drank which wasn't an issue in itself as he was never nasty in drink or anything but over the years it made him lazy, affected his health and ability to work. A lot of pressure was on me to take care of everything in the home including paying bills, keeping on top of everything, the usual stuff. He'd cook and do small amounts of housework but that was about it. I'm not perfect either, I can be bossy and a bit of a control freak and like things to be done a certain way.
We have/had great chemistry though, he is a genuinely good person ... just not much of a husband !
There is something else too, he is due to inherit quite a bit of money from his late father's estate soon and he wants to gift me half of it. Part of me thinks that I can't take it but then another part thinks 'Why not ?' after all the years I paid the bills, kept a roof over our heads, paid for holidays etc, etc.
I do miss him. Despite our problems we were never an arguing or shouting kind of couple and I know that there is still a lot of affection between us.
Thanks for reading. Any thoughts ?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 07/01/2022 01:07

Has he stopped drinking?

DartmoorChef · 07/01/2022 01:12

Sounds like the money is a bribe to get you back. He must be missing his housekeeper...

Seriously, I think going back is going to be going back to exactly what you left .

RoyKentsChestHair · 07/01/2022 01:12

I’m pretty sure that unless he’s made some major changes then you’d end up back where you started soon enough! I split with my ex several times. Each time we got back together there was a hope that we’d do things differently this time. Funnily enough, it went exactly the same way every time!! Also lots of chemistry but that doesn’t help when someone is annoying the fuck out of you.

dopple · 07/01/2022 01:14

You went through the trouble of getting divorce, I assume to move on with your lives separately? He's now 3 hours away! You know you don't work living together but as a long distance relationship that can also be hard. It's up to you both isn't it and be on the same page about what you both want. Don't fall into the trap of being an on/off couple, it just wastes so much time and energy.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/01/2022 01:16

Only I'd he's made life style changes.

Re the money I'd be tempted to take it. If it had come through a year earlier, you'd be entitled as his wife, you've more than done your share and you have your daughter to provide for. But DEF no rekindling of anything. The money can't be a bribe and of you get back together it'll just revert. Would he even want to? He moved a fair distance. I'd keep the friendship and mutual support if that's working but don't do backwards.

Original poster
JoanCandy · 07/01/2022 01:26

Thanks everyone.
He moved so far away as a friend of his offered him some work and a place to stay until he got back on his feet again.
He still drinks.
In my heart of hearts I don't think anything about his situation has changed.
I don't think the money is a bribe for me to go back ... maybe it's an apology ?

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 07/01/2022 01:48

*He still drinks.
*You now live separately so you've romanticised what you had and your subsequent friendship.
*He's in his 50's and not in a stable career and inheriting this money isn't going to give him the inclination to work at that either.

Move on @JoanCandy

Original poster
JoanCandy · 07/01/2022 01:55

@thenewduchessoflapland ... well, when you put it like that Grin
I think you're right, I have romanticised what we had because I was unhappy for such a long time.

I'm being stupid, aren't I ?

OP posts:
Thistooshallpsss · 07/01/2022 02:01

Accept the money and if you want to date but do not live together then you can have the best of both worlds

User310 · 07/01/2022 02:38

It really depends. Now you have had a taste of single life, would you be happier with him the way he was but together or on your own for the foreseeable?

I think the reality is, you would have a honeymoon period again for a year or two and then it would return to 90% of what it was with maybe a little improvement.

Phoenixrising2020 · 07/01/2022 02:48

I think that you need to detach from the relationship as much as possible and then have a good long think about why it's been bad enough to leave before and then go through a divorce. Take yourself to the really bad times, because sadly that is the truth of it. No matter what else he offers you, it's all conditional upon you accepting that treatment and the dynamic of the relationship.

There are other ways to prevent loneliness that involve far less trauma and pain. You've done so well, don't turn back now. I think it would be a mistake to accept the money. Even though he says that it's basically no strings, because of who he is to you, it will have sentimental connotations.

Stay strong, you have been very courageous and come such a long way.

1forAll74 · 07/01/2022 03:08

I dont think anyone can advise you about your situation here. You have known your now ex Husband for quite a long time, so should be able to weigh up in your mind, if this is either a good idea to be together again, or not so. The money matters should not be making any difference of course.

HomeTheatreSystem · 07/01/2022 04:29

If he's still drinking, then no, you'll be back in no time to feeling like you did when you instigated the final split. I think it's good that you are still great friends though and you can still enjoy his company without being enmeshed in the chaos that excessive alcohol can wreak on a marriage.

His offer to gift you some money is very decent, if it's freely given: you know him best, do you think there might be strings attached? If you were already seeing the effects on his health of his drinking before you divorced, it might very well have worsened since then and perhaps he knows he's going to need support in the not too distant future.

Dizzylizzy22 · 07/01/2022 04:52

If you accepted the money and found someone else you are better suited to you you should consider he may end up guilt tripping you over his 'gift' to you?

Avarua · 07/01/2022 05:25

Can you just go and stay with him sometimes, him stay with you sometimes? Sex, friendship. Just not living with his lazy self anymore. It works for a lot of people.

Loving someone is rare. You don't have to live together for it to be love. And you don't have to fit into relationship norms either, you're 50, do what YOU want.

isthismylifenow · 07/01/2022 05:30

You split up because of alcohol. He's still drinking so nothing has changed.

I would be thinking of his reasoning to wanting to gift you half his inheritance. Does he have form for being manipulative?

You could accept, invest the money and then see what happens. If it becomes clear the purpose was to have some hold over you, give him the money back (and keep the interest earned)

But that is just me as I don't trust easily these days. I will always look for a reason for an action. But then again I have been dealt a heavy blow previously so this does seem a little suspicious to me.

KiloWhat · 07/01/2022 06:18

Take the money. He hasn't said you have to go back.

TheCatterall · 07/01/2022 12:55

You’ve described a friendship. Why would you go back? Is it purely because you have t met someone else and he’s a ‘known quantity’ and better than nothing? Stay friends. Take the money if it ever appears.

Honestly I’d put more effort into meeting more folks, hobbies and interest that aren’t all wrapped up in a relationship that failed due to his behaviour/drinking and lack of effort.

felicia661 · 07/01/2022 21:47

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RedHelenB · 08/01/2022 07:17

I wouldn't accept the money. You're divorced now.

JangolinaPitt · 08/01/2022 07:50

Accept the money. You can always invest it snd give him some if he needs it o the future. Date him but do not move back in!

Gunpowder · 08/01/2022 09:04

I think the money and getting back together should be two separate things.

If he is giving the money freely I would take it! It sounds like you picked up the tab for lots of things that have probably added up over time, also that you deserve an ‘apology’.

In terms of getting back together, I would be very wary. It’s very easy to forget how exhausting living with a drinker can be. Constantly being let down and always having to be responsible (not just for yourself but for another adult) is so wearing and frustrating. You got divorced for a good reason and it wasn’t on a whim. It was probably very hard to leave.

I wouldn’t rule out being friends or seeing each other but please value yourself and your future happiness highly. What’s easy now may not be in a couple of years.

GrandmasCat · 08/01/2022 09:08

You can always take the money and use it to sustain him so he can become a househusband or make up for his lack of income.

The only problem with this is that as soon as you start doing that, the chemistry goes out of the window, unless he is the men equivalent of a yummy mummy.

StrifeOfBath · 08/01/2022 09:14

You have a disabled Dd, the last thing you need / needed was someone else depending on you.

I understand having feelings for him. When you lived together you did a lot to facilitate that. Supporting him etc.

What about his feelings for you? If he really loves you and wants to be with you he will make a significant effort to change.

To come back, would he need to leave the job 3 hours away? Would he get another? Will he step up / towards you and be an equal partner? Bunging you cash in place if team work in a household is not being an equal partner.

Take your rose-tinteds off and Talk, talk, talk.

Original poster
JoanCandy · 10/01/2022 11:49

Hi all, just wanted to thank you all for your comments and sharing your thoughts.
I won't be going back.
As for the money, it was kindly offered by him and so I shall accept it and put it away in an account for my daughter.

OP posts:
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