to expect support from dh when I'm having IVF treatment

[TheMNPeacekeepingForce]

Ok I've just started taking drugs for IVF round no2 (no 1 made ds).
I think it's understandable that I'm feeling a bit apprehensive about it - it is not my idea of fun to pump myself full of unnatural amounts of drugs (incl injecting myself for a couple of weeks) and deal with any side effects. And I'm worried about what happens if I feel shite from the drugs and ds is having a bad day (as 2 year olds do!) cos I've no one to help whilst dh is at work.

But since I started this dh has just bumbled on like normal. Now how are you/ how are you feeling/ no oh that must be a bit crap etc.
My life is a bit put on hold for the next month and his goes on as normal which is obviously fine and the way it is but I just wanted him to acknowledge that I am going through something difficult here.

Whenever I have mentioned my concerns about it all, he just brushes over it e.g. saying 'oh well progesterone is natural so why would there be a problem' or whatever, and initially just couldn't understand why I wasn't excited.

I talked to him about it this morning and he said maybe I wasn't committed to doing the treatment given my 'moaning'. I am and I do want another baby but obviously who in their right mind would be excited about doing this cocktail of drugs/ invasive checkups etc???

I don't want him to drop everything and do way more than normal with ds but I just wanted him to make some slight acknowledgement that this is not great fun for me and to ask how I am every now and then.
Am I being unreasonable?

p.s. I guess I do feel a bit pissed off that I have to do all this and he doesn't have to do anything even though that isn't his fault and that there is something around me being miffed about having to do all this rather than just shagging to make a baby!

Anyone?

Maybe everyone's out doing last minute xmas shopping????

No YANBU

All my dcs conceived by IVF and it is without a doubt the most horrible thing I've ever had to do - even though it worked - must be unimaginable if it doesn't work.

Try not to get stressed out as you absolutely know that it won't help. I think men are just generally useless when it comes to anything to do with "womens problems".

For what it's worth - when the doctor was putting the embreyos back in me (you know after they've fertilized and there just putting them back in high up in the cervix) the nurse holding my hand said to me "do you want your dh to hold your hand" and I said "no, he's busy reading the paper"

he was sat on a chair in the corner of the room with his head stuck in a paper FFS!!!!!

Just keep reminding him about how awful it is and try to explain your needs without getting emotional.

Easier said than done I know.

I had my treatment at the Cromwell, is that where yours is. Whereever it is I hope it's successful.

Take care

Yes I think everyone's doing last minute wrapping and stuff. But you have my sympathy. It is really tough and he sounds like he doesn't really get that.

Maybe suggest you stab him in the bum with a spare needle every time you inject so he can learn to empathise....

Not unreasonable. Tis horrid.

I guess they are

I have read your post and I don't think YABU. I know a couple of people who have undergone IVF and have told me how stressful it is, undergoing all the pretty invasive exams and being pumped full of drugs. It doesn't sound at all pleasant. Just because you are having a whinge about doesn't mean you aren't committed - otherwise you wouldn't have done it in the first place! I sort of know who you feel, pg (due date today!) and have done my fair share of whinging ane moaning about morning sickness, back ache, piles etc., but it doesn't mean I don't want to be pg! It just means that I'm human and I don't care for pain and discomfort!
Not sure how you can communicate this to your DH - sometimes men can be pretty dense sometimes!
Hopefully someone will come across with some better suggestions.

Thanks for your replies - it really does help.

I offered to get him double testosterone to see how it was but maybe that wouldn't be wise!!!

I just feel now like if I moan to let off steam he'll think I'm being whingey!

I've gone through IVF and as a result I have a my dd and it is stressful BUT remember that men do handle things in a completely different way and sometimes they just need a kick up the arse to realise how serious a situation is especially when you are filling yourself full of drugs that make you feel like crap.
When we were doing it dh invited his entire family to stay for the weekend ffs, I had to clean the house and make beds and we had a huge row about it but afterwards he admitted that the way he could best handle the stress was to carry on like nothing was different.
Keep your chin up and I hope everything goes well for you. We're thinking of going again next year and I can't imagine how I'll deal with it and look after dd.

I had dd through the second attempt at IVF/ICSI and it was a nightmare - I was lucky in that dh was supportive to a silly degree (once I'd had the embryos implanted he wouldn't let me walk home from the station at night 'just in case'?!) precisely because he felt so guilty that he had so little to do in the process! But my mum, who I thought I was quite close to, acted utterly disinterested throughout and it made me feel quite desperate.

YANBU - as others have said, I think you need to have a serious conversation with him - men can be godawful ostriches at times and if you don't bring it to his attention (in the non-whingiest way possible ) then he probably doesn't even realise how he's being.

I know I have the tendency to expect DH to be a mind-reader and 'know' what the problem is ('if he cared he'd realise!') but over the years have come to the conclusion that it's not going to happen unless it gets pointed out to him in words of one syllable.

We're going for it again next year too, finances permitting [excited whilst scared shitless smiley], and I too am wondering how the hell I'm going to manage that AND dd as a 3 yr old.... wah!

Anyway, fingers crossed for you, hope everything goes well and your DH cops on.

Ohh I just want to give you a cuddle. My son was the result of my 3rd ivf and i can so relate to what you are saying. Could you perhaps let dh do your injections as a way of involving him? Men just cant possibly understand what the drugs do to your mind not to mention the fact you are having to come to terms with going through all this again when most people conceive so easily. Spell out to him what you want and what you need right now - if he soes not deliver then a swift kick up the jacksey is in order!

Good luck with your cycle - having gone through it 3 times I know how you are feeling - I hope you get bubs number 2 now and then you can pay him back by letting him do all the smelly nappies and night feeds.

Good luck xxxxxxxxxxxxx

You have all been lovely. Thank you.

I willchat to him again. He said that he was treating me like he'd like to be treated in this situation - with minimum fuss.....but I'm not him and he hasn't done all this.

Yep as some of you have said managing the treatment with an existing dc will be quite a challenge - maybe a distraction in the dreaded 2ww though?

Good luck to everyone else.
I know there are TTC threads on here but is there one for IVFers - maybe we should set one up?

YANBU - I have had 3 IVFs (one loss, one dd one negative & 2 neg FETs). I have a generally very supportive dh but he was not especially supportive or empathetic during my cycles. I found the last one pretty gruelling and I did get quite angry with dh (quietly, to myself) after that negative as it clearly affected him very little physically or emotionally and it just wasn't that easy for me to bounce back.

I think it's not just about the IVF - the whole ttc thing is very different for us and it's hard for a lot of men to really understand why we need support or what that means.